my mother is the queen of rational thinking and good advice. today she told me that i needed to be careful not to "pigeon hole" people. now, if you're like me, you'd never heard this catchy little phrase before, and if you ask me, it sounds like some kind of rude gesture. but after further investigation i realized that she made a great point. let me "unpack" (in true perry noble form) this for you a little.
i've been sorting through a dating relationship recently, trying to figure it out, understand it, prepare myself what could or could not happen. i've been trying to decide how to handle it, what to do, what to say, what not to do, what not to say. there are some truths that i have realized about myself:
1. i am quick to write guys off - this is so regrettably true. my expectations are often unreasonable and absurd, and at the first sign of disappointment, i drop the relationship and move on.
2. i am quick to size up a situation - again, so true. i am so quick to decide if something will or will not work out, and then i act accordingly. fail.
3. i'm not perfect either - dang it. so many times, especially recently, i have found that i am at fault for problems in a relationship. while i like to place the blame on the guy or guys in the past who have made me the way i am today, a lot of the time if i just take a step back i realize that i could have done a lot of things differently.
4. i am scared - i am scared out of my mind to trust, to fall in love, to commit, to take a leap of faith and say "okay let's do this." i don't really have much else to say about this; i'm just scared.
those things said, i have come to the conclusion that i am very quick to pigeon hole people - particularly guys. i think a lot of girls share in this struggle. we start a relationship with a guy casually, then things progress, things get a little messy, and at the first sign of trouble we decide he's not perfect, so he can't possibly be the one. here's my take on this:
there is no such thing as the "perfect" guy. if you ask any married woman out there she will tell you that her husband, though she loves him completely and totally, is not by any stretch of the imagination perfect. and truth be told, i'm sick of searching for the perfect guy. guys are not a checklist. they are not a formula to figure out. there are not ten steps for understanding your man. there is no way to know what will or will not happen in any given relationship or any given situation. there is no way to size up a man based on imperfections or flaws. i'm so tired of people acting as though there's some magic step-by-step process for finding a guy, deciding if he's the one, and then proceeding accordingly. how unfair to approach a guy and a relationship that way. there's no way for me to know what's going to happen with my current relationship, because there is another person involved. a PERSON. not a formula. not a robot. not a checklist. he is a person. he changes. he messes up. he comes through with flying colors. he hurts my feelings. he makes me happy. he fails. he succeeds. he is a human being. i refuse to believe that by reading self-help articles about dating or relationships or deadly dating traps or whatever other kind of crap is floating around out there that i will be wiser and more equipped to handle this situation. he's a person that's not to be "figured out" - he's to be appreciated and honored and valued and trusted - and he should feel safe to do the same with me. it's not a matter of reading some article - having one fight - him messing up one time - and me saying "okay, well this is who he is and this is who he'll always be and this is how we're going to end up." this is true for ANY guy and ANY relationship - not just my current situation. i 100% believe that the only way to know if something will work is to try. and to try you have to give a little - you have to get involved - you have to let things get a little messy. you have to be willing to hurt a little. you have to be willing to be patient and wait a little. you have to be willing to be painfully honest. you have to be willing to sound like an idiot. you have to be willing to say the thing you need to say but you don't want to say. and if i'm scared, chances are, he's just as - if not more scared, too.
i'm tired of looking for the perfect guy. he's not out there. but there is a completely imperfect guy who's perfect for me. he'll mess up. he'll break my heart at times. he'll make me cry. he'll disappoint me. but he'll get it right occasionally. he'll make me happy. he'll make me smile. he'll encourage me. i don't want to be the girl who let a good guy get away, because i was too self-righteous to see all the good qualities through the flaws. i hope that a good guy can see my few good qualities through my many flaws. i don't want to approach him like a checklist. 1 corinthians 13 says that "love keeps no record of wrongs." i want to be quick to forgive, not keep score of shortcomings or disappointments. i think you have to be prepared to love somebody before you actually fall in love with them. you have to be willing - from the beginning - to be patient, to persevere, to go the extra mile, to try, to forgive and even forget - or you'll never even get to the place where you CAN fall in love. what guy can trust a girl who's throwing his mess-ups in his face all the time? what guy can trust a girl who's counting the times he hurts her? what guy can trust a girl who's demanding? what guy can trust a girl who's expectations are unattainable? i know that i need second chances - a lot of them. shouldn't i give second chances as easily as i accept them? when you find something you believe in, i think you have to.
so this is me throwing my checklist - my expectations (not my standards - totally different post for a different day) - my self-righteouness out the window.
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