the beauty of just letting go

you know the light has left his face

but you can't recall just where or why

-patty griffin

my dear friend, margaret, gave me some great advice yesterday. she said:

ashley, i think the best thing you can do is just release your heart and your emotions.

wow. such simple advice. just release your heart and your emotions. i think so much of the time i focus on holding myself together, that i forget that there is real beauty in the letting go. what's funny is that it's so much easier to hold on. it's easy to wallow. it's easy to miss. it's easy to want. it's easy to be sad. it's easy to replay. what's difficult is actively choosing to let go. it's hard to accept that what's done is done. it's hard to face the truth that you're not wanted. it's hard to believe that something that made you so happy is over. it's hard to give up the fight. it's hard to stop thinking "what if?" it's hard to move on when you don't understand and you don't have any answers. it's hard to forget.

but that's the choice i made yesterday. for whatever reason, the past three weeks have been absolute agony for me. i'm being dead serious. almost every day has been painful and miserable and has resulted in tears. i don't know why. i think it has something to do with that "first time back in the saddle after a really bad fall" kind of thing. hard to let go of something that was hard to open up to in the first place. but i digress. i'm choosing to believe that where christ is there is freedom (2 corinthians 3:17), and because christ is in me and ever present with me, there is relief from the bondage of heartache. such a sweet promise. it's time to give up the heartache - let it go - and trust jesus as i move on.

something else i'm trying to remember as i walk through this process, is that i need to make sure i'm filtering each emotion - thought - action through the cross of christ (not just in this situation, of course, but since this is what i'm dealing with this is what i'm going to focus on). it's so easy to let our emotions overwhelm us and dictate how we talk and act and think. so quickly emotions can rob us of joy. jesus, through the cross, offers a remedy to each emotion i have experienced over the past three weeks.

heartache - "he draws near to the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" (psalm 147:3). he promises to move closer to me and heal my hurts.

loss - "i came that they might have life and have it to the fullest" (john 10:10). his desire is to give me a full life - lacking no good thing.

loneliness - "i will not leave you as orphans; i will come to you " (john 14:18). i'm never going to be abandoned; jesus will always seek me and find me and stay with me.

anger - "bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another" (colossians 3:13). i hurt others as often as i am hurt. there is nothing too great for me to forgive, considering the great debt that i have been forgiven.

confusion - "the lord turns my darkness into light" (psalm 18:28) and "for the lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding" (proverbs 2:6). christ will illuminate the dark and confusing places in my heart and mind and life. he promises to give me understanding - at some point and in some way.

unworthy - "because by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy" (hebrews 10:14). because of christ's blood on the cross, i am completely worthy. i am perfect.

incomplete - "you are complete in christ" (colossians 2:10). that's a promise. i'm not lacking anything.

there is a promise from christ in response to every thing i have felt. i can either choose my emotions, or i can choose his promises. i think i'll choose to believe and hope in his promises.

your words in my memory are like music to me

i find the map and draw a straight line
over rivers, farms and state lines
the distance from "a" to where you'd be
it's only finger-lengths that i see
i touch the place where i'd find your face
my finger in creases of distant dark places

i hang up my coat in the first bar
there is no peace that i've found so far
the laughter penetrates my silence
as drunken men find flaws in science

their words are mostly noises
ghosts with just voices
your words in my memory
are like music to me

i'm miles from where you are
i lay down on the cold ground
i, i pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

after i have travelled so far
we'd set the fire to the third bar
we'd share each other like an island
until exhausted, close our eyelids
and dreaming, pick up from
the last place we left off
your soft skin is weeping
ajoy you can't keep in

i'm miles from where you are
i lay down on the cold ground
and i, i pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

"set fire to the third bar" by snow patrol

if you haven't heard it, go youtube it immediately. amazing, amazing song. it's from the new movie, "dear john."

you're so gangsta, i'm so thug

things that make my life sweet:
1. quiet times
2. water with lots of lemon
3. when my cowlick lays flat
4. warm weather
5. sunburn
6. spur of the moment lunch dates
7. never taking my clemson ring off
8. hope
9. family dinners
10. having friends over
11. the hangover
12. diet coke
13. graham crackers
14. anything in the honeysuckle flavor from bath and body works
15. sticky notes in different shapes and colors
16. index cards
17. organizing
18. cleaning my house
19. sleeping with huck
20. running
21. painting
22. when a plan comes together
23. travelling
24. july 4th
25. vacation days
26. when my skin is clear
27. being 6 feet tall
28. high heels
29. my pati fleece
30. the dog park
31. "me" time
32. sleeping with the windows open
33. sunday afternoon naps
34. when months start on sunday
35. punctuality
36. accountability with sara
37. when i get out of bed and my sheets aren't messed up
38. fireworks
39. song lyrics
40. new highlighters
41. hair products and make-up
42. kids
43. leaving work early on fridays
44. when people follow-through
45. selflessness
46. healthy eating
47. writing in my planner
48. my business cards
49. writing with lead pencils
50. fresh flowers

honey, i'm home

click on this link to read the lyrics to colbie caillat's new song, "i never told you."

http://www.directlyrics.com/colbie-caillat-i-never-told-you-lyrics.html

those words make my chest ache.

this post will be kind of quick. it's already 4:00, and i've got a good bit i need to finish up before i call it a day. while on the subject of work, let me just say that i totally believe in the four-day-work-week. i mean come on, people. this is the way to do it. i would even go so far as to say that the work week should only consist of tuesday through thursday, but i'm not naive enough to think that'll ever catch on.

i think i've already mentioned that i've been doing a character study on abram in genesis. last night i was reading in genesis 13, and the lord really spoke to my heart. i was having one of those days where i had kind of relapsed a little into my "funk," as i have begun affectionately referring to the state of mind i've been in the past two weeks. i desperately needed some encouragement. in genesis 13, abram and lot have traveled to a new land. they were both abundantly wealthy - both in money and possessions - and tension had started to build among abram's servants and lot's servants. abram (displaying his character) went to lot and told him that he didn't want the tension to harm their relationship. abram told lot to look at the land around them, and to take his pick of it. lot chose what he thought was the best land. after leaving his home, not knowing where he was going or how he'd get there, abram is seemingly cheated out of some great land. this is what i read next:

"and the lord said to abram, after lot had separated from him: “lift your eyes now and look from the place where you are—northward, southward, eastward, and westward; for all the land which you see i give to you and your descendants forever. and i will make your descendants as the dust of the earth; so that if a man could number the dust of the earth, then your descendants also could be numbered. arise, walk in the land through its length and its width, for i give it to you" (genesis 13:14).

after all that wandering, all the journeying, all the unknowns and fears, and losing what might have seemed to be the most promising land, father god gently tells abram to lift up his eyes and look around. i love that image of abrams obedience. he was so focused on listening to god, doing the right thing, following god's heart, that when he finally arrived to the place the lord had been leading him to, god had to say, "hey, abram, go ahead and look up now - you're here." ah! i want to be like that! i want to be so focused (heart and mind) on my faithful savior that when i arrive to each new destination he has to say, "hey ashley, we're here. you can open your eyes now."

the other thing that brought tears to my eyes is that god didn't say, "okay abram, here's your land. wait, no, not all of what you see, just that little patch over there in the corner. see that? squint really hard. yeah, that's it over there." no! he said, "it's all your's - every bit of it. i'm giving it to you forever, and i want you to enjoy it." god was giving abram all the fullness of himself and of his blessings and of his promises. he wasn't holding out anything. abram waited for what the lord had, and when it was revealed, it exceeded what abram had even imagined. what joy there is in knowing and believing and hoping in the truth that our god does not withhold any good thing from us (psalm 84:11)! hallelujah!

that's what i want. i don't want to settle - to choose - to desire anything less than god's fullness. so often i am too easily satisfied by less. less than what god wants to give me. less than what i deserve. less joy - less peace - less hope. i want more. i want all of him and all of his blessings and all of his promises. i want to choose to wait, to focus, and to hope in the promise that every destination is revealed at the perfect time.

i get lost in the language...

ten points to you if you know where that quote is from ("i get lost in the language"). you don't know? you've got mail, of course!

here are things i know for sure: when you think you're right, you are most likely wrong. things that break - be they bones, hearts, or promises-can be put back together but will never really be whole.

i saw this quote on somebody's facebook status yesterday, and i've been turning it over in my head for the past 36 hours. at first when i read it, i thought, word. it seemed so fitting for how i was feeling. but the more i've thought about it, the more i've realized that it just isn't true.

i've had an assorment of broken bones. i've been promised a million different things that never came to fruition. and i've had several broken hearts; one that i did not think would ever heal, a couple that took a really long time, and others that mended as quickly as they broke. it's hard to see the other side of hurt when you're hurting, but once you've made it through it once, the next time you can remind yourself that you've been okay before, and you'll be okay again. i think that's jesus' role in hurt (part of it, anyway). he came to make things new - to give a fresh start. if our hearts were never to be whole again after a break, then god is not the god he claims to be in isaiah when he promises:

"forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. see, i am doing a new thing! now it springs up; do you not perceive it? i am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland" (v. 18-19).

he is the god of new things - of second chances - of fresh starts. he also promises in ezekiel 36:26 to give us a new heart. he will completely take away the broken heart and give us a new, whole heart any time we ask (which is repeatedly for some of us, myself included). praise the lord for this truth!

knowing this, i can also admit that i don't believe we're ever the same after a heart break. it changes you - for the better or for the worse - but regardless, it changes you. if you let jesus use it in your life for his glory, he can teach you so much about depending on him, trusting him, letting him be your healer. but if you let it, it will eat you up from the inside out, leaving you angry, bitter, and not much fun to be around. i don't think we ever forget about the people or circumstances that hurt us. i don't think we're supposed to. i think we're supposed to forgive, but i don't think we're supposed to forget. in the old testament (i have no idea where; i can picture it in my bible, underlined and highlighted, but i couldn't tell you the book or chapter right now), the lord reminds his people to remember all of the things he's shown them and taught them - that was the point of altars that the people set up all over the place: to remember the deliverance, the redemption, the provision that had occurred there.

i hope that as i walk through a little bit of heart ache right now, that the lord will be faithful to give me (another) new heart - a whole heart - a heart like his. i also hope that he will help me to forgive the heart that hurt me, but that he won't ever let me forget the ways he is changing me and shaping me and encouraging me and loving on me right now. i want to carry these things with me.

thank you, father, for being the god of second and third and fourth chances and new beginnings every day!

cleaning up the mess you made

i want to be beautiful
make you stand in awe
look inside my heart
and be amazed
i want to hear you say
who i am is quite enough
just want to be worthy of love
and beautiful
-bethany dillon

i don't really know how to start this post. and truthfully, i don't really even know how to write it at all, but i can warn you that this will be a very honest look into my heart. i like for my blog to be about my life, the good, the bad, and the ugly and all the things the lord is teaching me through the afore mentioned situations. while i'm on the topic, let me just go ahead and address this: i don't write for other people. i write for myself, because it's therapy for me, and it works as kind of a back-up to the journal i keep. do i hope that jesus can teach the people who read my blog through what i post? absolutely. do i write for sympathy or praise? absolutely not. i hope that people read what i write and can relate and feel like they're not the only one. and i hope that people are encouraged by the lessons the lord teaches me.

moving on.

i don't think i've ever felt cheaper in my life than i do right now. on top of that, i feel confused, hurt, angry, sad, embarassed, stupid, worthless, and deceived. thank the lord for sweet sara giffin and her endless encouraging words, or i don't know how i would be handling this. i'm so thankful for her. we had accountability last night, and i was sharing all of these things with her, and as i'm spilling my heart out, she was finishing my sentences - she knew exactly what i'm going through and how i feel. what a blessing. we talked for a long time about the story in matthew 9 when the paralytic is carried to jesus by his friends. we reminded each other that we need to be faithful to carry each other to jesus, to intercede for each other, to pray for each other, and to pour out love and encouragment on each other. sara never tries to belittle my feelings; she doesn't try to solve my problems; she doesn't make me feel like i'm being dramatic. she validates how i feel, and she points me to truth. it's funny i mention this after yesterday i posted about leaving emotions out of obedience. sara also reminded me last night that emotions are a beautiful part of being human - that it's okay to have them and experience them and work through them (jesus, too, had emotions). thank you, jesus, for the sweet friend i have in sara giffin.

sorry for the tangent. aaanyway. i think that i've finally started to understand the consequences of following your heart. what freaking bologna. "follow your heart." "listen to your heart." "the heart won't lie." don't get me wrong, i love reba, but what my heart does best is lie to me. i followed my heart into yet another situation that left me hurting. not only that, but i'm asking the question "why am i not enough?" over and over and over. and let me tell you, friends, if you've ever wondered that about yourself, it's a miserable place to be. i'm wondering why just me - who i am - wasn't (or isn't) enough. am i not pretty enough? not thin enough? not godly enough? not smart enough? not funny enough? did i not give enough? i don't understand. some days i feel like i'm being punished, because i'm single. like i've messed up too many times, and now god is just going to let me suffer a lonely life of really great (and sometimes not so great) almosts. (i know that isn't true and that's not how god works, but i told you that i was going to be honest.)

jeremiah 17:9 says, "the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked."

proverbs 4:23 says, "guard your heart above all else, for out of it springs the issues of life."

true and true.

i was not protecting my heart - or rather having jesus protect it - and while it was vulnerable i was deceived, and now i'm in a mess of heartache. when, oh when, will i learn this lesson? when will i stop searching for affirmation in anyone else but jesus christ? when will i realize and belive that i am complete in him (colossians 2:10)? when will i stop giving so many pieces of my heart away to unappreciative recipients?

remember the other day how i said this was a sweet time in my life? that jesus gets to have me all to himself? i think that's exactly what he wanted. and he's taking me apart, bit by bit, to put me back together just how he wants me. i just wish this process weren't quite so painful. but you know the old saying, "beauty is pain?" i think it's true in this case, too. and i don't mean physical beauty.

"you refine us like silver."
-psalm 66:10

do you know how silver is refined? it's refined to seperate the pure silver from the junk. first, it's mixed with nitric acid to dissolve the silver; this creates silver chloride. then it's mixed with sodium carbonate and heated in a furnace to a temperature of 1200 degrees celsius. this process produces table salt and pure silver. it works without the addition of sodium carbonate, but without it, the reaction from the silver chloride and heat creates poisonous chlorine gas.

it's a miserable process for the silver, i can imagine (hello, 1200 degrees celsius cannot feel good to anybody or anything), but without exactly the right steps, the end result is catastrophe - it's poisonous.

refining isn't fun. but it's necessary. and the end result is beautiful (see above lyrics).

our god reigns

i was on my way to make a site visit this morning, and i was flipping through my pre-set radio stations. i got to 89.3 (HIS radio - gag me), and usually i roll my eyes and fly right past it, but today i stopped. chris tomlin was singing "our god reigns," and for the first time i really stopped to think about those words and what it would mean if i lived my life as though i truly believed that my god does in fact reign.

it's easy to say that "god is in control." sometimes i think i say it without meaning it or without thinking about what that actually means for me as a believer. it's kind of like a cop-out answer. things aren't going my way: god is in control. i'm worried about something: god is in control. i'm afraid of things i don't have answers to: god is in control. of course, it's absolutely true. god is in control. but i can throw that around so quickly and so haphazardly that i don't even realize what i'm saying. i know this because sometimes i find that i'm still living in fear and doubt and worry. if i truly let those words settle into the deepest corners of my heart, i would know that the truth in those words frees me from the bondage of fear.

god being in control means that i'm not, and i don't have to be. it means that he has already gone before me and knows the big picture - he knows for certain the answers to all of the questions that i am so uncertain about. nothing that happens in my life is a surprise to him. it doesn't just mean that he is all knowing, but it also means that he is controlling my life. he never stops moving and working in my life - even when it can feel like he has completely let the bottom fall out from under me - he is still in control. he's holding it all together (colossians 1:17). i love that in psalm 119 the lord is called "a light for my path." he promises to illuminate the things that i can't see and can't understand. he will illuminate the confusion and the scary and the unknown parts of my heart. he might not do it with a spotlight and megaphone but with candlelight. oh, that i would be drawn near enough to him to see all of the things he wants to show me! today i'm trying to wrap my head and heart around this truth: that god is in control. not just that he sees my life and the things and people in it, but that he is reigning over it all.

as i'm tossing these things around in my head, jesus is reminding me about abram (abraham). i started a character study on him this week (starting in genesis 12), and already i've learned so much that i can apply to my own life. abram was married to sarai who was barren. they moved to a new place with abram's father and nephew, lot. out of the blue, god up and tells abram to hit the road. he doesn't say why, he doesn't say where they're going, he doesn't say how they're going to get there. all god tells him is to go, and he promises to bless abram and his family with abundance and riches and fame and fruitfulness. scripture leaves out all of abram's emotions during this part of the narrative. god says, "go," and the very next thing you read is, "so abram left." i can only imagine that abram had to have been thinking why? where? how? why? how are you going to bless me if my wife is barren? why? i'm scared. i don't know where we're going. why? i find it really interesting that scripture doesn't reveal any of his thoughts or feelings or any of the dialogue that i believe he must have had with god about this command and these promises. i also find it interesting that my devotion from proverbs31 ministries this morning was about not depending on our emotions, but relying on truth. i also find it extremely interesting that something i'm struggling with right now is dealing with feelings/emotions and the fact that i want to act on them, when truth is telling me that i need to let it go and trust that this is what's best for me. you cannot tell me jesus is not alive.

anyway. i think the lesson in this part of abram's story is this: obedience disregards emotions. sure, abram probably had a lot of dueling feelings and questions about this move god asked him to make. but he seperated those from the truth, and the truth was that god asked him to go and promised to bless him. the only obvious choice was to go. and it's not wrong to have emotions and to work through them and try to figure out where they're coming from. but we have to trust god - fear, anger, worry, heartache aside - and choose to obey and believe that his promises are good and true.

i don't know where god is leading me. no idea. i don't know how he's going to get me there. abram didn't know either, but genesis 12:9 says, "so abram journeyed, going on still..." he kept trusting, and he kept putting one foot in front of the other, because he believed that "our god reigns" and he chose to act on that - not on his emotions. what relief we would find if we could learn this lesson once and for all!

everything rides on hope now

for the past 24 years of my life - up until this point, that is - i have had the absolute wrong idea of what hope is. i hope this post will open your eyes and your heart to the things that the lord has been teaching me over the past week and a half and help you to have a more biblical understanding of hope.

i hope for a lot of things. i hope i get married. i hope i have children. i hope i get to open my own business one day. i hope my family and i live long, healthy lives. i hope i get a raise soon. i hope play-it-again sports will trade in my elliptical for a treadmill. i'm hoping for the reconciliation of a relationship.

some of those things are more serious than others, obviously, but the idea is the same. i hope for a lot. that first one on my list is the thing that started this plunge into discovering what exactly hope is and how i can trust it. i have wanted to get married for my entire life. i've waited for it. i've dreamed about it. i've cried for it. i so desire to get married. i hope i get married. there are two possible outcomes for this desire: either i get married, or i don't. on the one hand, i'd be thrilled to meet the right man and fall in love and marry him. on the other, i'd be terribly disappointed that i did not get married, and probably spend a few years bitter and lonely and sad and even a little resentful. i was struggling with these thoughts and fears last week, when jesus pointed my heart to romans 5:5:

"and hope does not disappoint us..."

i immediately thought, well obviously if hope doesn't disappoint, then i'm going to get married - hooray! reality check. thank you to the holy spirit for always keepin' it real. hope doesn't mean i get what i want. hope means i get jesus.

i've been confusing hope with the things i'm hoping for. my hope is in the idea that one day i'll eventually get married. my hope usually lies in the object - the event - the person. my hope isn't hope at all, because hope does not disappoint, and my hope does.

jesus has been gently rearranging my heart the past few days to recognize and understand that he is the hope that paul is talking about. he is the only hope there is. if my hope is anything else short of jesus christ himself, i am certain to be disappointed. when my hope is christ and christ alone (who he is, not what he gives), i cannot be disappointed - he is a guarantee: his character, his mercy, his love, his return. this true hope is promised to be made sight one day.

what i'm realizing is that these things i "hope" for are really just things i want, and there's nothing wrong with that. they are the honest desires of my heart. but i can't rest my hope in the eventual fulfillment of those desires, because i may be disappointed. i have to rest my hope in the only hope there is - jesus. i'm learning so much about my will versus his. and honestly, i'm struggling through these lessons he's teaching me. i don't have this all figured out, and my heart is being twisted and stretched and broken in places to allow for him to shape it to be more like his (even knowing that it's still a painful process).

as much as i hate to admit it, it's kind of nice to be alone as i search the lord's heart through this process. not that i wouldn't like for certain things to have worked out or been different, but i don't think i could wade through the messy places in my life and heart right now while trying to figure out a relationship, too. maybe god knows what he's doing after all...(haha)

so. that's kind of where i'm at. over the past ten or so days, i've kind of felt like my heart may just break in to about 4,000 pieces, but the lord has been near and faithful and has been so gracious to teach me so much when i'm struggling with so many fears and thoughts and feelings. i have to believe that a lot of other single girls my age go through these same things (i mean i HAVE to believe that, or i'll think i'm crazy). but what a sweet time in my life this is, to experience jesus intimately and to have this time with him all to myself - and for him to have me all to himself. my prayer is that he would constantly take me to new depths in my relationship with him - to know him and trace his heart and his hand all over my life and in the lives of those around me.

follow up post soon: why do i focus so much on what i want?

the southern law

it's 7 am. i wake up, stretch, and rub the sleep from my eyes. i dart - well, maybe not dart - from my bed and to the window. sunshine. glorious. i hit the shower, running over the day's schedule of events in my mind. hair washed and conditioned and my legs are even shaved - this is a big day, indeed. i turn on my ipod to my special mix of tunes pre-arranged with this particular date in mind. the rush of sounds are exciting and edgy, and i dance to the beats in my bathroom with a hairbrush as my mic. i put on my outfit - specifically selected months prior to make its debut today. last, but certainly not least, i place an orange tiger paw on my right cheek.

it's game day.

towards the end of winter, i'd say as soon as march madness is over, i begin to crave the hot, sticky summer saturdays spent in death valley, tailgating until i can't eat another bite, and screaming until i have absolutely no voice. i love college football. no. i LIVE college football. i take every game seriously, and if you plan on using one of my season tickets, please, for the love of the ncaa, DON'T TRY TO TALK TO ME ABOUT THINGS UNRELATED TO FOOTBALL. i pace. i bite my lip and chew on my nails. i scream. i fight with the opposing fans. i jump up and down. regrettably, i criticize play-calling and mistakes made. i cry when we win, and i cry when we lose.

you are probably wondering why i wrote about this on the final day of college football for this season (hook 'em horns!). well, my friend, i chose this topic today because someone told me earlier in the week that i take football too seriously. i beg your pardon? i asked. then i heard the four little words that cause my lip to snarl, my eyes to narrow, my blood pressure to rise, and my pulse to increase. it's. just. a. game.

no, kind sir, it is not just a game. maybe to you, but it certainly is not just a game to me, to the thousands of tiger fans around the world, and not to the 105 players standing on that field. football is a way of life. for 20 years my family and i followed my brother around the state of south carolina watching him play recreation league football, then junior varsity football, then varsity football, and then, finally, in the culmination of his (and my father's) life dreams, we watched my brother run down the hill for the first time in 2007. i cried like a baby. my family, that now includes about thirty of my and my brother's closest college friends, tailgate together before and after every home game. we gear up in our best orange and purple and cheer for our tigers together rain or shine, home or away, winning or losing. my most favorite memories from my life are times i've spent at a camden high school or clemson university football game.

football is a dirty game. it's physical. it's hard work. it takes grit and determination. when the rain is pouring and it's muddy and it's hard to hang on to the ball and you're down by a touchdown with minutes to play, that's when champions are made. that's when you see what a player has. that's when you see character. football brought a community together in the tiny town of camden, south carolina, when kelvin grant ran a 98 yard kick-off return in the final seconds of a playoff game to put the bulldogs ahead. we won the state championship that year. football held a community together when the marshall university football team was killed in a tragic plane crash, and the sport was the only thing that could bring the college, students, families and city back to life. football is the only thing that made life - not money, not fame, but life - doable for high school student and future nfl star michael oher. football gave meaning to t.l. hanna's beloved "radio."

football doesn't change. it's pure. it's honest. it's a battle. i will never forget friday nights in zemp stadium. "we're in zemp tonight, boys. it doesn't get much better than this." coach neal says that to his players, and as a camden high alumni, i can tell you - it STILL doesn't get much better than a friday night in zemp when it's 20 degrees and the entire town is shut down because everybody is at the game. joe sherman said "there's something in these hills" about clemson. he's right. there's something in the hills of clemson university that you can't get out of your system. those days and nights in death valley, you never forget those. i carry them with me all the time. i calculate other events in my life based on clemson wins or losses. i plan future events in my life based on clemson's schedule.

i am already excited about the 2010 football season. i'm excited about wearing orange, seeing old friends, tailgating, hearing tiger rag, chanting "c-l-e-m" in cadence count, hearing the cannon explode, fighting tears back during military appreciation day as the f-16s fly over and taps is played. i'm excited about the chill bumps that cover my body as i watch the tigers run down the hill. i can't wait to link arms with the friends or strangers beside me and sing the alma mater.

don't tell me it's just a game.

some pages turned, some bridges burned...

...but there were lessons learned.

i have to admit something that i really don't want to. i feel like i need to get this off my chese though. i am lonely.

i don't know if you've ever lived alone, but it really is a tremendous blessing. i enjoy it. i like decorating in my style; leaving dishes in the sink if i want to; coming and going as i please; and having the whole house at my disposal. i like having people over when i want. i like cooking huge, messy meals. i like living alone. but if you've ever lived alone, and you've been in any kind of relationship and gotten used to having somebody over a lot, it is unbelievable how empty your house can feel (no matter how small) when the relationship is over. when i say empty, i mean empty. oh, how my heart aches right now. there's always a readjustment period, i think, when relationships of any kind come to an end. you've got to get your mind situated around the idea - the loss of a friend or spouse or significant other or just someone you've been spending time with. when you live alone, part of you kind of starts to depend on that company and that other body - just to fill the space with you. even if you don't live alone, you get used to texts and calls and hanging out and thinking about the other person. you just get comfortable. you get used to them. when the relationship is over, you're left extremely uncomfortable (no matter how short or how long), trying to figure out how to get this person out of your system. that part is hard. i kind of feel like i'm clawing at air right now, trying to grab on to something to make me feel comfortable.

however, i think all my air-clawing is in vain, because sweet jesus is already holding on to me. he knows how easily i get attached - and how tightly i hold on. he knows how my heart breaks when people float out of my life. he knows how sensitive i am to feelings and emotions (although i'd like to pretend that the opposite is true). he knows that 99.9% of the time i see the absolute best in people and the best they can be and how i desire that for them. jesus knows that sometimes i'm lonely, and he knows that i often look outside of him for someone to fill that empty space. he knows that i'm loyal and committed to relationships. he knows that i'd do anything to make some things work when they're just not going to. jesus knows how hard i love the people in my life. and jesus also knows that i don't love the people in my life like he loves me.

i think there are so many lessons to learn when relationships of all kinds end for a million different reasons.

-my heart aches when people leave my life like jesus' heart aches when i try to run up ahead of him chasing things that won't satisfy.
-my lonliness can only truly be remedied by the faithful friend and father i have in christ.
-everything that happens in my life and every person that happens in my life happens for the purpose of my good - however painful and pointless it may seem (jer. 29:11 - the lord's plans promise to prosper me).

beloved, listen to me
don't believe all that you see
and don't you ever let anyone tell you
that there's anything you need
but me
-derek webb

today's play list

a few songs on my play list right now that are becoming my heart's prayer for today:

come ye sinners by robbie seay band
our great god by todd agnew
so high by jeff johnson
o love that will not let me go by chris rice
you are my hiding place by selah
be thou my vision by jeff johnson
revelation song by kari jobe
stronger by hillsong
at the cross by hillsong
the hammer holds by bebo norman
wedding dress by derek webb

hold my heart by tenth avenue north

how long must i pray, must i pray to you?
how long must i wait, must i wait for you?
how long til i see your face? til i see you shining through?
i'm on my knees begging for you to notice me
i'm on my knees; father will you turn to me?

one tear in the driving rain
one voice in a sea of pain
could the maker of the stars
hear the sound of my breaking heart?
one light, that's all i am
right now i can barely stand
if you're everything you say you are
won't you come close and hold my heart?

i've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
so much can slip away before i say good-bye
but if there's no other way, i'm done asking why
cause i'm on my knees begging you to turn to me
i'm on my knees, father will you run to me?

one tear in the driving rain
one voice in a sea of pain
could the maker of the stars
hear the sound of my breaking heart?
one light, that's all i am
right now i can barely stand
if you're everything you say you are
won't you come close and hold my heart?

so many questions without answers
your promises remain
i can't sleep, but i'll take my chances
to hear you call my name