...but there were lessons learned.
i have to admit something that i really don't want to. i feel like i need to get this off my chese though. i am lonely.
i don't know if you've ever lived alone, but it really is a tremendous blessing. i enjoy it. i like decorating in my style; leaving dishes in the sink if i want to; coming and going as i please; and having the whole house at my disposal. i like having people over when i want. i like cooking huge, messy meals. i like living alone. but if you've ever lived alone, and you've been in any kind of relationship and gotten used to having somebody over a lot, it is unbelievable how empty your house can feel (no matter how small) when the relationship is over. when i say empty, i mean empty. oh, how my heart aches right now. there's always a readjustment period, i think, when relationships of any kind come to an end. you've got to get your mind situated around the idea - the loss of a friend or spouse or significant other or just someone you've been spending time with. when you live alone, part of you kind of starts to depend on that company and that other body - just to fill the space with you. even if you don't live alone, you get used to texts and calls and hanging out and thinking about the other person. you just get comfortable. you get used to them. when the relationship is over, you're left extremely uncomfortable (no matter how short or how long), trying to figure out how to get this person out of your system. that part is hard. i kind of feel like i'm clawing at air right now, trying to grab on to something to make me feel comfortable.
however, i think all my air-clawing is in vain, because sweet jesus is already holding on to me. he knows how easily i get attached - and how tightly i hold on. he knows how my heart breaks when people float out of my life. he knows how sensitive i am to feelings and emotions (although i'd like to pretend that the opposite is true). he knows that 99.9% of the time i see the absolute best in people and the best they can be and how i desire that for them. jesus knows that sometimes i'm lonely, and he knows that i often look outside of him for someone to fill that empty space. he knows that i'm loyal and committed to relationships. he knows that i'd do anything to make some things work when they're just not going to. jesus knows how hard i love the people in my life. and jesus also knows that i don't love the people in my life like he loves me.
i think there are so many lessons to learn when relationships of all kinds end for a million different reasons.
-my heart aches when people leave my life like jesus' heart aches when i try to run up ahead of him chasing things that won't satisfy.
-my lonliness can only truly be remedied by the faithful friend and father i have in christ.
-everything that happens in my life and every person that happens in my life happens for the purpose of my good - however painful and pointless it may seem (jer. 29:11 - the lord's plans promise to prosper me).
beloved, listen to me
don't believe all that you see
and don't you ever let anyone tell you
that there's anything you need
but me
-derek webb
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