the beauty of just letting go

you know the light has left his face

but you can't recall just where or why

-patty griffin

my dear friend, margaret, gave me some great advice yesterday. she said:

ashley, i think the best thing you can do is just release your heart and your emotions.

wow. such simple advice. just release your heart and your emotions. i think so much of the time i focus on holding myself together, that i forget that there is real beauty in the letting go. what's funny is that it's so much easier to hold on. it's easy to wallow. it's easy to miss. it's easy to want. it's easy to be sad. it's easy to replay. what's difficult is actively choosing to let go. it's hard to accept that what's done is done. it's hard to face the truth that you're not wanted. it's hard to believe that something that made you so happy is over. it's hard to give up the fight. it's hard to stop thinking "what if?" it's hard to move on when you don't understand and you don't have any answers. it's hard to forget.

but that's the choice i made yesterday. for whatever reason, the past three weeks have been absolute agony for me. i'm being dead serious. almost every day has been painful and miserable and has resulted in tears. i don't know why. i think it has something to do with that "first time back in the saddle after a really bad fall" kind of thing. hard to let go of something that was hard to open up to in the first place. but i digress. i'm choosing to believe that where christ is there is freedom (2 corinthians 3:17), and because christ is in me and ever present with me, there is relief from the bondage of heartache. such a sweet promise. it's time to give up the heartache - let it go - and trust jesus as i move on.

something else i'm trying to remember as i walk through this process, is that i need to make sure i'm filtering each emotion - thought - action through the cross of christ (not just in this situation, of course, but since this is what i'm dealing with this is what i'm going to focus on). it's so easy to let our emotions overwhelm us and dictate how we talk and act and think. so quickly emotions can rob us of joy. jesus, through the cross, offers a remedy to each emotion i have experienced over the past three weeks.

heartache - "he draws near to the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" (psalm 147:3). he promises to move closer to me and heal my hurts.

loss - "i came that they might have life and have it to the fullest" (john 10:10). his desire is to give me a full life - lacking no good thing.

loneliness - "i will not leave you as orphans; i will come to you " (john 14:18). i'm never going to be abandoned; jesus will always seek me and find me and stay with me.

anger - "bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another" (colossians 3:13). i hurt others as often as i am hurt. there is nothing too great for me to forgive, considering the great debt that i have been forgiven.

confusion - "the lord turns my darkness into light" (psalm 18:28) and "for the lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding" (proverbs 2:6). christ will illuminate the dark and confusing places in my heart and mind and life. he promises to give me understanding - at some point and in some way.

unworthy - "because by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy" (hebrews 10:14). because of christ's blood on the cross, i am completely worthy. i am perfect.

incomplete - "you are complete in christ" (colossians 2:10). that's a promise. i'm not lacking anything.

there is a promise from christ in response to every thing i have felt. i can either choose my emotions, or i can choose his promises. i think i'll choose to believe and hope in his promises.