earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal

the lord has surely blessed us. over the past week people from around the world (literally) have been reading our story, praying for us, sending messages, notes, texts, emails, making phone calls all in the name of encouragement. i am blown away. what's more amazing is how the lord has woven the lives of the people in my family together so intricately through this struggle.

many of you saw my post last night about my brother and sister. i guess i should clarify that my brother is not married to my sister. although that would certainly make the story even MORE interesting! gray met jennifer in 2009 and loved her from the first moment he saw her. i was the first one in our family to meet her, and i have also loved her from the first moment i met her. she and i have the most unique relationship that i have ever experienced. the lord has literally bound our hearts and souls together and blurred all lines of blood and marriage and what the law says about our relationship. she is my sister, and our bond is one of the most sacred things in my life. anyway, she and gray are walking through a similar but different situation as they try to begin their family. please, if you pray for me and kenny, read their story and pray for them. you can read about what's going on in their lives on jen's blog: thegardners7712.blogspot.com.

since so many of you have read about their story and have appreciated knowing exactly what's going on in with them, i thought i should give a little clarity to our own situation. this might explain what's going on a little better.

kenny and i got married in june of 2013. i immediately quit the birth control pill. we knew it could take at least three months for my body to adjust to the drastic change in hormones, so we made the decision to go ahead and stop it as soon as we got married. since i quit the pill my body has been in an all out mutiny. when i quit the pill my mom and several other people laughed that i'd probably be pregnant by september. i had really hoped so. weeks turned in to months, and my body did not adjust. in fact, it rebelled. i must have taken 75 pregnancy tests between july and february. seriously. my body didn't regulate itself to doing what it was supposed to each month, so each month we got excited that maybe, just maybe, we had gotten pregnant. and multiple times each month i sat on the bathroom floor and cried surrounded by multiple negative pregnancy tests. in october i went to the doctor and had every panel of blood work run that you could possibly have run. everything came back normal. we kept trying. by march i was at my wits' end, so we decided it was time to head back to the doctor. my doctor ran another panel of blood work, and it turns out that i have no hormones. well, not none, but not enough to make me function like a normal person. we also learned that my body does not ovulate on its own. super. to get pregnant you kind of have to ovulate. my doctor put me on an oral hormone and a fertility drug that should have forced my body to ovulate. the first round of this medication was one of the lowest points i can remember having in years. that is no exaggeration. it was absolutely horrible. i was horrible grumpy, depressed, had hot flashes, insomnia, everything hurt, my emotions were ALL over the place, and everything inside of my body was overstimulated and swollen. i could barely move, sit, or stand. uncomfortable doesn't begin to describe it. i cried most of the time. this lasted for two and a half weeks out of each month we did this. the cycle started with blood work to check levels, oral hormone to stimulate my "monthly friend," fertility drug, doctor's visit on day 14 to check follicle growth and to be sure i wasn't having any symptoms of a potentially fatal side effect called ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome. then on day 21 i went back to the doctor for more blood work to check my levels. on day 28 i started taking home pregnancy tests every other day until day 35. at day 35 i went in for blood work to confirm the absence of a pregnancy. this was the all clear to begin again. just to give you an idea of how completely worthless my body is at making babies: my levels of progesterone needed to be at the VERY bare minimum a 3 for that be a sign of ovulation. my level was 0.3. you read that correctly. 0.3. ideally i would have been at a 10 or higher.

as we got ready to start our final round of this drug, i was so overcome with fear and dread. i didn't want to. i mean i REALLY didn't want to. research shows that with these types of drugs if they're going to work, they'll work the first time. the medicine wasn't forcing my body to ovulate. it wasn't working. i went back to the doctor and told her i was done and what else could we do. she explained that i would need much more serious medication (with much more serious side effects) and that she could no longer help me. she referred me to a new specialist. in the mean time she put me on a diabetes medication (i am not even close to being diabetic) that could help my body get back to normal. 

kenny and i had a decision to make: continue on with more serious drugs that could pose a more serious threat to me long term or stop all treatment. we did some research and found some studies that indicate that fertility treatments increase the chances of having a female specific cancer by as much as three times. i have a strong family history of cancer. we were not comfortable moving forward with treatment.

and that is how we came to the conclusion to adopt. i saw this somewhere, and it's really true about how we feel: it's more important for us to be parents than it is for me to be pregnant. i may never be pregnant. i may never know what that's like. maybe at some point the lord will perform a miracle and allow to me to get pregnant. for now, we will grieve the loss of babies that won't be born of us, but we will pray hopefully and expectantly for the baby (or babies) that will be born for us. there's a david crowder song called "come as you are." my favorite line says earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal. i don't understand why every jane doe on the street who DOES NOT NEED A CHILD can conceive easily, over and over again and i cannot. but earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal. these light and momentary afflictions are nothing compared to the glory awaiting us.

all the way

today in church the choir sang the old hymn, "all the way my savior leads me." the following words are from the second verse (which happens to be my favorite):

all the way my savior leads me

cheers each winding path i tread

gives me grace for every trial

feeds me with the living bread

though my weary steps my falter

and my soul athirst may be

gushing from the rock before me

lo, a spring a joy i see

it got me thinking about this journey kenny and i are on.

throughout the past year as we have failed to conceive, even in my most emotional moments, i have had incredible peace. i have never once doubted that we would be parents. i have always wanted to adopt. always. i don't know where the desire came from, except that the lord put it in my heart. when kenny and i first started dating, we had the "kid talk." you know the one: we talked about how many kids we wanted, how far apart, when we wanted to start, etc. then i threw out the adoption card. kenny said he thought that was great, but he wasn't overly excited about the idea. at that point, i knew i was going to marry him (really, i did. i knew from the moment i met him.), but i don't know if he was there yet. i just assumed he would eventually come around to the idea of us adopting.

fast forward to the months following our wedding. we began to talk more seriously about growing our family, and adoption was always a part of the conversation. i made sure of that. as the months passed, and we didn't get pregnant, adoption began to become a more serious part of the conversation. while kenny agreed that adoption is wonderful, and we would probably adopt down the road, he wanted to continue with fertility treatments to hopefully have a biological child first. i have only shared this next story with one other soul:

one day over the summer, i was driving down our little street headed home from picking up another round of medicine. i already had a pit in my stomach, because i dreaded the side effects i would experience over the next two weeks. this always happened before i started medicine. i was completely overcome by dread. i was about a quarter of the way down the road when i suddenly had this overwhelming feeling of the presence of god. it was like my heart sank - not in a bad way - but it was that kind of feeling. i felt his presence pressing into every bone in my body. in that moment i felt the lord whisper that we should adopt. and not just one child. all three of the children we want. for a few minutes i just sat in my car kind of stunned. i wasn't quite sure what to do with that. a little later i texted my sister and told her what happened. she knew it was my desire to adopt, and we both felt like this was the lord's confirmation of that desire.

flash forward to last thursday. i was at a women's ministry event at my church. sweet robin jeffers (who just so happens to be family and the mother of two adorable sons who are adopted) walked up to me, and we started chatting. randomly, she told me that she had been thinking about me that morning. she said that for whatever reason she began to think about kenny and me adopting a baby. i immediately thought that she must have heard that we were actually planning to. when i asked, "so you've heard our news?" she replied that she didn't know what i was talking about. i excitedly told her that we had just made the decision to adopt. we were both speechless! talk about the holy spirit moving! the lord strategically placed her in my life to give me that sweet moment of affirmation. that same night i sat down at my table and began chatting with the other ladies sitting with me. when our adoption came up, the woman to my left spoke up and told me that she had been adopted! what are the odds?! i am thankful for god's goodness through confirmation. it's so good for my heart.

hurry up, november 7! we are so ready to get this show on the road!

in the meantime

first, let me say that the response to our adoption news has been nothing short of overwhelming in the most wonderful way possible. i had NO idea that so many people would jump on board with us. of course, i should not be surprised. we are blessed beyond to measure to be loved well by SO many incredible people. thank you, thank you, thank you for the calls, texts, emails, facebook messages and comments! you have truly multiplied our joy, and we love sharing this journey with you!

for those of you who have not heard, we were accepted to the november 7 meeting! this is sure to be one of many amazing "god moments" throughout the next few months. thank you for interceding on our behalf! we are relieved that we will have orientation complete in the next few weeks. at orientation, we will receive our formal application. this is the "monster" of paperwork that includes everything from our pets' immunization records to our proof of insurance. i am NERVOUS. once we complete our application, which i'm told could take us a month or so, we will wait to hear about our home study schedule. the home study will consist of three separate meetings: one with just me; one with just kenny; and one with us together. basically we're doing all of this work, opening up our hearts and families and lives and home, for someone to decide if we're going to become parents or not. we can be approved or denied. after all of this work over the next several months, they could still tell us no. we would be heartbroken.

here's what we hope happens: we go to orientation on november 7. we complete our application by mid-december. our home study is complete by the end of january, and we are considered a "waiting family" - meaning we could get the call any time!

so what are we doing in the meantime?

well, i've gone baby crazy. seriously. i cannot stop myself from stalking every baby related item on every website known to mankind. i'm trying to keep myself in check, but honestly, it's just so much fun! i have to actively make my brain and my emotions just stop sometimes. i have to stop and remind myself that i am not running this show. it. is. so. hard. that said, i am beginning to piece together our nursery. i don't want to be overly prepared before it's necessary, because i'm not sure how wise that is. but at the same time, i want to have enough that if we got the call sooner rather than later, we are prepared. there's a fine line between praying expectantly and being hopeful and at the same time remaining poised and sober-minded. kenny doesn't care much for decorating, so my mom and i are having a ball looking at patterns and colors and cribs and all of those fun things. i know kenny will be interested in choosing the car seat. he is a safety nut. he'll want something with 22 straps, locks, buckles, bungee cords, padding, etc. he's gonna be a good daddy!

we are also starting the process of getting funds in order. yall. adoption is expensive. phew. this is going to be a HUGE financial commitment, but we are trusting that the lord will provide everything we need down to the last penny. please be in prayer for us as we make plans and preparations with our finances.

i would love to put together a group of prayer warriors - just a group of people that we can really count on to faithfully walk with us in prayer. i want to be able to send out a quick email or message to those of you who would be kind enough to cover that need in prayer. if you're interested, just shoot me a message!

we are so humbled by so much love. here's how you can be praying:

• finances to come together
• approval - that everything would go smoothly, and we would be approved to be a waiting family
• nerves/emotions/sanity!!

xoxo.

some news

hello, blog enthusiasts! it's been a while. i always have the best intentions when i begin blogging again. alas. real life hits (AKA school) and that goes right out the window.

anyway. there is a real point to this blog, and it's an exciting one! a quick recap: kenny and i were married in june of 2013, and we knew we wanted to start our family sooner rather than later. fast forward 16 months, and we're still baby-less. that said, we have made a rather life-changing decision:

WE'RE ADOPTING!!

i have always felt strongly about adoption, and when kenny and i realized our journey to parenthood would not go exactly as planned, the lord began to lead us seriously in this direction. we made the decision last week, have chosen our agency, and are SO EXCITED about this journey.

it's amazing how quickly your mindset can change from, "i'll never be a mommy" to "i'm going to be a mommy." i finally FEEL like it's going to happen, and i really needed that. we are under no illusions whatsoever that this adoption journey will be easy or without pain and frustration. we expect those things going in to it. we also know that our god is bigger than any thing that may come our way down this road (somebody remind me of this when i feel like i'm at the end of my rope!).

what is truly incredible is how radically the lord can open your eyes and change your heart to understanding his ways. all of a sudden, knowing that our child will be adopted, i have new eyes. it's like i understand god's love for me a little better. i know i am only standing on the shore of what i will feel and understand and grasp once we have our baby in my arms, but it really is amazing to think about the love i already have for our baby. i don't know where our baby is. i don't know where our birth mother is. but i love that baby with my whole heart already. and i want it - not because i need it; not because it will do anything for me. i want it simply because i want it. i love because i love it. oh, the great and infinite love of jesus.

so here's the information i can give you so far:

the agency we've chosen to work with is bethany christian services. we have decided on domestic infant adoption. this means our baby will be from the united states, and more than likely, we'll meet our baby when he/she is born in the hospital. this was really important to me, as i so desire to have the experience of bringing a baby home from the hospital. we've submitted our initial paper work, and we're waiting to hear about our orientation date. here's where we could use your help: please pray that we would get into the next meeting on november 7. this is the last meeting this year, and we don't want to have to wait until march. we would really like to have everything done on our end by the close of the year.

other things you can pray for:

• of course, the november 7 meeting
• that we would be able to complete our home study with no major problems
• finances - this is a huge commitment, and we are working hard to get things in order to bring our sweet baby home
• our nerves (well, mainly mine!) - i can barely sleep at night, because i am constantly going over money, crunching numbers and dates, planning a nursery (did i say that out loud? just keepin it real), fighting butterflies of excitement, and confronting satan's attacks of fear with truth (let me tell you - this is exhausting!)
• our birth mom - wherever she is; that she is safe, healthy, taking care of herself, peace in the midst of what will be the most difficult decision she's ever made, and most importantly that she would know the love of jesus
• our baby - god alone knows the journey our little love will take to get to us; pray that he/she would be safe, healthy, cared for until we are together

we are over the moon excited about what the lord has in store for us. please pray with us and for us as we begin this journey!