i know i am not...

but i know I AM.

if i have learned anything over the last few months it's that i am insufficient. there is really nothing that i am capable of doing on my own.

i cannot show grace.
i cannot love well.
i cannot trust Jesus.
i cannot forgive others.
i cannot ask for forgiveness.
i cannot walk by faith.
i cannot save my soul.
i cannot make myself righteous.
i cannot be faithful, consistent or dilligent.
i cannot speak kind words seasoned with grace.
i cannot give myself joy.
i cannot heal my hurt.
i cannot show patience.

i cannot. i cannot. i cannot.

kinda discouraging when you first think about it. but today i found, for the first time in a while - or maybe the first time ever - such sweet, sweet relief in the truth that my life is not dependent on me. my life is dependent on Jesus Christ for everything. EVERYthing.

two situations have had me kind of worked up today. one is relational and the other is a potential life-changing decision that i will have to make. the relational situation is simply a matter of me trying desperately to avoid being hurt. the life-changing decision is a matter of me striving to figure out how to deny myself and honor Christ, but do something that i'm happy with. the beauty of both of these separate situations is this: i don't know what's going to happen. but i know the One who has orchestrated my life so beautifully - through pain and joy, ups and downs, fears and failures, disappointments and victories - for twenty-five years. i know He is good and faithful. i know if i am hurt, that He will heal my hurt, restore my heart, and bring something even better into my life. i know that if i make a decision with the motive of His glory, He will bless it in His sovereignty and trust that He is capable of redirecting my path in the future.

Jesus is sufficient for me. He is all i need. He is all i want. He is my exceedingly great reward - the horn of my salvation - my rock and my Redeemer - my portion - my inheritance - my promise - my hope. He is more than enough.

i am not. but i know I AM. and i can throw my heart and my fears and my worries and my hurts and my desires upon that truth. i can rest in the fact that my desperation is met by His desire and promise to be my All in All.