the right words at the right time

"kind words are like honey: sweet to the soul and healthy for the body."
-proverbs 16:24

i've been going to curriculum training every few weeks since september. the trainer for the class, betsy, is a wonderfully ecentric lady in her 60's. she's earthy and organic and kind and adventurous. over the past nine months, betsy has heard me talk about various disasters that have sprung up in my life - mostly house related. yesterday we were talking about labeling people, and she asked us to share a label we had been given. i quickly told my peers that my family often called me "an accident waiting to happen" or "mayhem."

last night my heart broke a little when an exciting and encouraging relationship came to a close. i felt discouraged, sad, undesirable, and unbeautiful. this afternoon as betsy was wrapping up our training, she gave me a strong hug and whispered this in my ear (she had not done this to another soul in my class):

"i don't think you're a disaster waiting to happen. i think you are a strong, creative woman who can survive anything."

i don't know if betsy is a believer or not, but her words were so perfectly timed and so genuinely spoken that my eyes welled up with big tears and i could barely muster a "thank you." her words were not magic; they weren't eloquent; and she had no idea how desperately i needed to hear them. but jesus knew, and he used them to speak to the ache in my heart.

somebody asked me one time if i ever felt like there was a black cloud hanging over my head, because i face a lot more challenges than the average person. something is always going on - my house floods, my garbage disposal explodes, my washing machine stops working, my furnace quits in december. i can't keep a cell phone working, my debit card is always lost, and the most random things go wrong with my vehicle. and let's not even talk about relationship disasters. i just can't seem to have any luck in that arena. it's so easy - so, so easy - for me to look around and compare my life to others'. and, as you can imagine, it's so, so easy for me to feel like such a mess. satan so quickly attacks my heart when i allow myself to exchange god's truth for his lies.

the truth is this: i was created in my heavenly father's image. i was creatively and thoughtfully designed - every freckle put in place, my cowlick carefully considered, my crooked nose gently formed. on purpose. god made me the way i am on purpose. the misadventures and frustrations and challenges that i encounter on a very regular basis teach me so many things. i've learned to really believe and rejoice that i am not in control. i've learned to be flexible and not freak out about little things. i have learned that things can always be worse. always. i've learned that my life exists to glorify god, not to chauffeur me safely and smoothly to the end of a happy and easy life.

as i press on, i keep replaying cs lewis' words in my head: "there are far better things ahead than any we leave behind." anything that must be left in the past is only a promise that something greater lies ahead of us. the lord promises good to me. i'm gonna trust him - even when it's hard.

i know i am not...

but i know I AM.

if i have learned anything over the last few months it's that i am insufficient. there is really nothing that i am capable of doing on my own.

i cannot show grace.
i cannot love well.
i cannot trust Jesus.
i cannot forgive others.
i cannot ask for forgiveness.
i cannot walk by faith.
i cannot save my soul.
i cannot make myself righteous.
i cannot be faithful, consistent or dilligent.
i cannot speak kind words seasoned with grace.
i cannot give myself joy.
i cannot heal my hurt.
i cannot show patience.

i cannot. i cannot. i cannot.

kinda discouraging when you first think about it. but today i found, for the first time in a while - or maybe the first time ever - such sweet, sweet relief in the truth that my life is not dependent on me. my life is dependent on Jesus Christ for everything. EVERYthing.

two situations have had me kind of worked up today. one is relational and the other is a potential life-changing decision that i will have to make. the relational situation is simply a matter of me trying desperately to avoid being hurt. the life-changing decision is a matter of me striving to figure out how to deny myself and honor Christ, but do something that i'm happy with. the beauty of both of these separate situations is this: i don't know what's going to happen. but i know the One who has orchestrated my life so beautifully - through pain and joy, ups and downs, fears and failures, disappointments and victories - for twenty-five years. i know He is good and faithful. i know if i am hurt, that He will heal my hurt, restore my heart, and bring something even better into my life. i know that if i make a decision with the motive of His glory, He will bless it in His sovereignty and trust that He is capable of redirecting my path in the future.

Jesus is sufficient for me. He is all i need. He is all i want. He is my exceedingly great reward - the horn of my salvation - my rock and my Redeemer - my portion - my inheritance - my promise - my hope. He is more than enough.

i am not. but i know I AM. and i can throw my heart and my fears and my worries and my hurts and my desires upon that truth. i can rest in the fact that my desperation is met by His desire and promise to be my All in All.