massive life update

can it really have been nearly a month since i last updated my precious blog?? indeed, it has been. it's been an insanely busy three weeks in the life of ashley gardner, but i'm excited about where the past twenty-one days have brought me. i'm going to try to update you, sparing you mindless details, but filling you in on important lessons, events, and thoughts.

i left united way and started my new job on july 26th. i haven't blogged in such a long time that i can't remember if i already explained my new job or not. i was hired by the ymca of greenville (specifically, the judson community center) to be the lead 4K teacher/director of curriculum and home visits. what a blessing it's been already! i have loved (almost) every second of it. i'm walking through some unchartered territory here, learning things about my students that break my heart, and experiencing the unconditional love of a child every day. i don't even know where to begin to explain the lessons i have already learned - and i've only been at it for fifteen days. i love my kids. LOVE them. they are precious and resilient and beautiful and spirited and have wonderfully unique personalities. i feel incredibly blessed and priveledged to spend ten hours a day with them. it's interesting, because there are times when i feel myself totally in the moment with them: smiling, laughing, and loving on them with every ounce of myself - giving them every ounce of myself. then there are moments when i am tired and impatient and frustrated and at the end of my rope, and i hear myself talking to my sweet preschoolers in ways that make me cringe to recall. the thing is, they never stop loving me or thinking that i'm great or hugging on me or fighting to sit in my lap. they love me, just because i'm miss ashley. it really is a beautiful picture of how jesus loves me - just because i'm ashley and not because of what i do or what i say or how i act. praise jesus for that. i say all that to say: i love my job. i adore my babies. i leave each day feeling exhausted - physically, emotionally, and mentally. i am giving more of myself than i knew i had in me. and i love it. that's not to say that the first week didn't find me in tears a few times, feeling worn out, overwhelmed, and unsure of the huge life change i had made in switching jobs. three weeks later finds me a happy girl!

i finally came to the end of a long journey. a ten month long journey, to be exact. the past ten months have been confusing and frustrating and draining and at the same time, there have been moments of absolute bliss and contentment and joy. finally, after an especially trying four months, the trip - roller coaster - whatever you want to call it - is finished. what's funny is that closing the door was hard. it was brutal. it was sad and dramatic and ripped my heart out. but now that the door is closed, i feel better. i'm on the other side, and i made the decision. now. that's not to say that i don't still FEEL, because i do. i feel a lot. a lot of love, a lot of hurt, a lot of aching for someone. i'm reading "eat, pray, love" right now, and i swear that book was written for me. the author chronicles her journey through a very raw heartache in her life (oddly enough, about a man who shares the name of the man i've been writing about for so long now). it's been great, cheap therapy for me to read elizabeth gilbert's words, because they are truthfully my own words. a few things i've learned from her so far: you can't put a time limit on when feelings will be over. when you'll stop loving someone, wanting someone, missing someone. you have to keep living, and eventually, those feelings will go away - when you've felt them out and taken everything you needed to take from them and moved on. what beautiful advice. people are a part of your life for a reason. the second beautiful truth i've learned is this: "you've gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone is." bam. i'm the queen of wishful thinking, and i learned the hard way that sometimes you have to stop wishing and stop standing up for what you want - not settling for what you're wishing might change one day. so here i am, with the door closed behind me, still feeling out all of these emotions, but thankful to know that 1. i'm not walking alone and 2. this person and these feelings have a purpose in my life. i'm going to keep living - squee