destruction

I have built a city here
Half with pride and half with fear
Just wanted a safer place to hide
I don’t want to be safe tonight
I need You like a hurricane
Thunder crashing, wind and rain
To tear my walls down
I’m only Yours now
I need you like a burning flame
A wild fire untamed
To burn these walls down
I’m only Yours now
I’m only Yours now
I am Yours and You are mine
You know far better than I
And if destruction’s what I need
Then I’ll receive it Lord from Thee
Yes, I’ll receive it Lord from Thee
I need You like a hurricane
Thunder crashing, wind and rain
To tear my walls down
I'm only Yours now
I need You like a burning flame
A wildfire untamed
To burn these walls down
I'm only Yours now
I'm only Yours now
And it’s Your eye in the storm
Watching over me
And it’s Your eye in the storm
Wanting only good for me
And if You are the war
Let me be the casualty
‘Til I’m Yours alone
I am only Yours
I am Yours alone, Lord
-Jimmy Needham

i am obsessed with this song. i'm trying to get brave enough to pray it. the thing is, though, that i really do long for safety. i like for everything to be going well. smooth sailing - that's my kind of ride. i fear the unknown, and i'm scared of anything bad happening. i literally live in fear of something going wrong, especially times like right now when everything is going so well. i heard this song months ago, but i just started listening to it again. begging for destruction seems ludacris, but when you think about the truth behind the words in this song, it makes sense.

why do i crave being safe? it's about control. i need to know that i'm in control. why do i need to be in control? because my heart is full of pride. my heart rests its confidence in ashley, not in christ alone. i don't trust god. i don't take him at his word. i don't believe him when he tells me that his plans for me are designed for my good; that all things work together for my good; that he is the lord, and he only does wonderful things. the walls i build up to protect myself may seem to keep me safe, but in reality they leave me at risk for being in the most dangerous place of all - outside of god's will. i've been there. i don't want to be there again. it's a sad, lonely, and scary place. but the thing about it is, when god violently destroyed those walls, it was the most beautiful thing i've ever seen. and in that place of brokenness, that's when he was able to put me back together the way he wanted to. i forget so quickly that it's not about me. it's not about my safety. it's not about an easy trip. god cares more about my holiness than he does my happiness. that's not to say he wants me to be miserable. if you know anything about god's character, you know that his heart's desire is to bless us. but it's not to say that he won't destroy things in our lives that keep us away from him. the only safe place to be is right where god wants me to be. why am i holding on so tightly to things that aren't mine to begin with? why do i so desire to have control in my life when everytime i get what i want, it's wrong? why cannot trust that the lord is big enough and good enough and loving enough to only give me what is best for me? why do i live in fear instead of ultimate faith in the one is never surprised by anything that happens in my life?

i am wrestling with this idea right now. part of me is so close to throwing up my hands in surrender. the other part of me wants to hold on to the control that satan makes me think i have. lord, make me brave enough but humble enough to beg you to rip through my life and my heart like a hurricane.