there's no point to right and wrong, the heart must go where it belongs

okay. you might need to brace yourself before reading this post. men and women alike. i'm about to unleash a few months worth of bottled up rage towards a certain subject. not only rage, but insight, and wisdom, and frustration, and laughs, and in general, the outspewing of my heart and mind. you ready for this? dating. (insert scary, dramatic music here) let me say before i even dive into this, that i am guilty of everything that i am going to complain about. so if any (or all) of this applies to you, you're not alone. i've been there.

confession: sometimes i feel like i am repelling guys. have you seen "how to lose a guy in 10 days"? that is the story of my life. except i can do it in about 10 minutes, and i don't even know what i do...usually. i get so sick of seeing guys pick the wrong girl. the girl who has no morals, no wit, no intelligence, no charm, no independence, no passion, and let's face it, who probably isn't very attractive. why do they do this? why do guys pick these girls? i think it's because they're scared. those are the easy girls to ask out, because chances are, they're going to say yes. while i am fully aware that i am not perfect - i do not look like heidi klum; i say the wrong thing most of the time; i can be difficult and stubborn; i am emotional; i have plenty of flaws that i will not share for all the world wide web to read - i have a healthy dose of self-confidence, and i think i'm pretty great. and before you get your panties all in a wad and think that i'm conceited, just do me a favor and close this window, because you clearly don't know me at all. i am who i am and what i am, because of what jesus has done in my life - because of who jesus has created me to be. i've got a solid relationship with christ, i'm independent, i'm confident, i'm witty, i'm fun, i'm generous, i'm compassionate and kind. i know that i'm going to be a great wife and mother, because jesus is preparing me for that now. i have nothing to do with the good parts of me, and i know that. now. if i'm so great, why are all these guys passing me up for girls who are mediocre versions of me and many other women like me? because they're a bunch of pansies. i'm sorry, men, but yall do a pretty sucky job of being men. if you like a woman, if you have even the slightest bit of interest in her, TELL HER. ask her out. get her phone number or email address and CONTACT HER. one of the biggest turn-offs for me is a guy who just refuses to act like he has some testosterone pumping through his body and cannot even SPEAK to a girl he has feelings for in front of her friends or his friends or not even at all. that's the most backward and ridiculous thing i've ever witnessed and experienced. women don't need a huge romantic gesture. we don't need "i love you" written in the sky by an airplane. we don't need "marry me" on a billboard on the side of the road. we need you to say, "hey, i think you're really pretty and a lot of fun. i'd like to take you to dinner and a movie." that's all it takes. i mean, i'm making this pretty easy for you, i think. it's like i'm feeding you your lines. and i may be alone on this point, but i like (i need, rather) to be TOLD what i'm doing. tell me you like me. tell me that you're going to take me out. tell me when you're going to pick me up. tell me where we're going. this wishy-washy crap of maybe liking a girl, maybe not, but being too scared to ask her out, and then if you do ask her out pull this "so where do you want to eat?" garbage - DOES NOT CUT IT. have a plan. open doors. pay for her. call if you say you're going to call. a text message is not, in fact, the same thing. for too long, women have been led on by worthless men, so if you like us you're going to have to be pretty obvious about it, because we're a little jaded from all the years of analyzing words and inflections in voice and brushing shoulders and texts and looks. if you're taking a girl out, paying for her dinner, and continue to do this over a period of time, you can expect her to think you might like her. if you do, great. if you don't, do her a favor and let her know that you're glad yall are such good FRIENDS. be a man and be honest. yall seem to pride yourselves in being manly and being in control. well here's your chance. in fact, there's no better way to really show the world that you're a man than by pursuing a woman the right way. so get some standards, get some nerve, and start pursuing the right women the right way.

now. ladies. you didn't think you were going to get out of this, did you? though men do their fair share to screw up, we do nothing to make it easier on them. most of us spend the majority of our lives pining over guys who just don't seem to notice us. then we get mad when another guy does like us, because he's not the guy we like. trust me. i know. we get messed up in wrong relationships, because we got tired of waiting for the right guy and settled for one who paid us a little attention. women: get some standards. seriously. you don't have to go out with every guy who asks you out. you don't have to kiss every guy who tries to kiss you. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SETTLE. and believe me, i've done a fair amount of settling. i've liked many-a-guy who has not even known that i was in his atmosphere. and let me tell you, that's the stupidest thing we do. if he doesn't recognize how truly remarkable you are, then do you really want to be with him anyway? i hope not. but we've got to stop blaming guys for how emotionally damaged we are. we bring a lot of it on ourselves. stop giving so much of yourself over (emotionally and mentally speaking) to a guy if you know he's not interested. suck it up, and get over it! i know it's hard and i know it hurts, but seriously - get a grip; we've all been there. if you know you shouldn't be involved with a guy - don't get involved. be a grown-up for about 10 seconds and make a smart decision. i know everybody messes up, believe me, i know (if you've read any of my blogs, you know that i have messed up). but seriously? how many times should you best friend have to listen to you whine and cry about the same guy and the same situation and the same crap? i'll give you 2 times, and then you should be smart enough and have self-respect enough to stop wasting your time on a loser. you can't expect to be in a real, adult relationship if you're messing around with guys who are not mature and who are not ready for the same things you are. again, i know this. the best thing i ever did was write down my list of "must-haves" in my journal. i made a list of the things that ANY guy i would ever get involved in had to have. number one is: he must love jesus MORE than he loves me. also on my list are things like compassion, financially responsible, family-oriented, etc. make some standards, and at the first sign of your man not making the cut: drop him like he's hot. another fantastic thing i did was make a list of dating standards - things i've decided NOW, before i ever have a real, serious relationship. things about what i'll accept emotionally, physically, socially, etc. these are things that i WILL NOT COMPROMISE. period. i've made the decision, and it's not going to change. and i will not be with any guy who does not RESPECT me for that and who does not work towards those things with me. so women, don't get involved with a man just to have somebody buy your dinner or take you to a movie or cuddle with. it's not worth it. now, although earlier i said that you don't have to go out with every guy who asks you to go out, i do think we need to be a little more open-minded. don't shoot somebody down because he doesn't drive the kind of truck you want your future husband to drive. use good judgement. if he doesn't seem like a good guy, he probably isn't, so don't go out with him. if you're not attracted to him, don't go out with him if you don't want to. but if he's a good guy, and you think you'd have fun, give him a chance. this makes them a little more prone to actually ask women out on dates. also, guys think differently. and while they need to take dating a little more seriously than "whatever, it's just dinner," you also can't expect them to be planning to marry you after 2 dates. so don't get mad when they're not there yet.

after (not too many) years of crappy dates and crappy guys, i have come to the liberating decision that i am DONE with this. this cannot be how God intended for us to date. this is crap. it's frustrating (for men and women). it's not fun. it's confusing. and it's painful. so i'm not doing it anymore. i don't mean i'm not dating, i just mean i'm not going about this the same way anymore. i want to meet someone and fall in love and get married. i really, really do. but i wash my hands of this stupidity that society calls dating. if you like me, great. tell me. ask me out. if i like you, and you don't like me, fine. i'm not wasting my time wishing you would, because that's just pointless. i'd rather wait for someone who really appreciates me. men are not potential husbands, they are brothers in Christ, and they are people who just happen to be anatomically different than women. (lindsey, i bet you didn't think i'd add that part, did you?!) i'm not going to waste time analyzing conversations and actions and what he did or didn't do or said or didn't say. i'm just not doing it. i'm not going to complain to my girl friends about how immature guys are or how stupid they are or how frustrating they are. i'm not going to mourn the loss of another tall guy to a short girl, or bitterly announce that another great guy has gotten engaged to a woman who isn't me. i'm not going to worry about finding a date to weddings. i'm not going to practice saying or doing the right things. i'm not going to scan the room for cute guys at restaurants. i'm just over it. i'm so sick and tired of it. and i'm not doing it this way anymore. i'm going to wait. and enjoy this time. and enjoy my freedom. and enjoy my friendships. and continue working on me. and i'm going to love on jesus, and spend time with him, and trust him to bring me the right man and the right time, and trust him to help me focus on himself and on bringing him glory instead of fretting because i'm not dating. so there.

comments, encouragement, thoughts, hate mail are welcome. : )