ohhhh grillllllll

i'm trying desperately to learn to love people the way that Jesus does. i fail miserably. i'm just going to be really honest: i find people so unloveable sometimes. people are selfish, mean, judgemental, untrustworthy, undependable (or is it independable??), and just plain not nice. and i am included in that description, too. when i remind myself of that - which i do regularly because i do/say/think things that make me thing, "ashley, are you serious??" - my heart hurts. i know that my attitude is so far from Jesus'. how in the world can He love ME? i'm the one who's unloveable! thank You, Lord, for being a faithful, patient, and compassionate Savior who loves me even when i fight against Your spirit that longs to change me.

sara and i had such a great time during accountability tonight. i am so thankful for her sweet and kind heart that always encourages me and empathizes with me, but also for her heart to see me become more like Jesus. she always points me to Him. we had a long talk about friendship tonight, which stemmed from colossians 4, and i was reminded of how important it is to surround myself with Godly people who build be up, pray for me, encourage me and who i do the same for. if paul, mr. "copy my life" himself, needed solid friends, i'm pretty sure i do, too.

i've finised studying colossians, and i've moved on to hosea (with sara). i think the Lord had me in mind when He wrote this story. not that i'm a prostitute (literally), but again, if you know me, you know what i mean. i can so see a time in my life where i lived in complete rebellion. i ignored my Father's discipline and love and mercy, and i pursued other "lovers." you need to read hosea if you don't get why i'm talking about prostitutes and lovers. it brings me to tears even now, when i think about the big, mighty, unconditional, life-changing, real LOVE of my sweet Savior. how far He had to reach to bring me back to Him from where i was. He was so patient and so faithful and so kind. He loved me even in my rebellion. He pursued the heck out of me, and in the end, allowed me (like israel) to experience ultimate heart ache and brokenness and devestation so that i would return to Him. thank You, Lord, for the measures You went through to bring me back, no matter how painful.

"beloved, don't believe all that you see
and don't you ever let anyone tell you
that there's anything that you need -
but Me"
-derek webb

listen to that song ("beloved" by derek webb) right now.

i am learning that truth and as i learn that more and more, i experience more and more joy.

so this blog was kind of serious. but i feel like that's what really matters. Jesus. and nothing else. : )