a day that will live in infamy

april 24th is a weird day for me. it's a day i celebrate/dread/laugh at/always remember. there is a real point to this post, but you're really gonna have to stick with me to get to it. just buckle up and hang in there.

let's rewind eight years ago to 2007. i was a junior at clemson, involved with a guy named rhett who was a senior at duke. if you don't know this story, wow. it's a good one. i'm not tech savvy enough to figure out how to post a link to my post on that subject, but go back to 2009 some time. it's there. basically, i was in a relationship with this guy for over a year. we never met in person, but we sent over 800 emails and exchanged texts, letters, pictures, gifts, etc. fifty-four weeks after his very first email (on april 24th), multiple failed attempts to visit each other, a trip to kentucky to see him (which resulted in me leaving disappointed because he wasn't home), frequent emotionally intense and draining situations, and a whole lot of pining away for this guy, i found out that a dear friend of mine had been pretending to be him all along. she had sent the emails, the letters, the gifts. the pictures were of a random guy she found on the internet. i opted out of my lease for my senior year. i was looking at condos in greenville. i was looking for wedding dresses. i was 100% convinced i was going to marry this man, all the while, confiding in my very close friend (the one actually pretending to be rhett) about all the highs and lows of our relationship. there is much, much more to this story, but this is the point: i was devastated. crushed. my heart was in pieces. it took me years to recover. my heart is permanently scarred from the betrayal, humiliation, and mind-blowing heartbreak i experienced.

i somehow managed to pull myself together to start dating again in 2009. i desperately wanted to get married, but i knew that getting to that point was going to be extremely hard for me. in every relationship i was involved in, i was in a constant struggle of bliss vs. crippling fear and the desire to cut and run. my first boyfriend after rhett was an experiment in how much hurt can both of us withstand? we tormented each other because of all of our baggage. after fourteen months of up and down, back and forth, on and off, it was finally over, and i was left cleaning up the pieces. again. i had to find a new church. i had to find a new route to and from work. i had to rearrange the furniture in my house. i had to paint the walls. it was a long and painful journey to healing.

shortly after, i decided that the best band-aid for a heartbreak was a new relationship. i'm wise beyond my years, i tell ya. i call this relationship my "horrible, terrible, no good, very bad decision." this was a mistake of epic proportions. i put myself in a situation that led to me feeling cheap, used, and worthless. i wondered how in the world i'd ever get over the ever-mounting hurt brought on by my love life. how i'd ever find the right guy and get married. i followed this brilliant moment in time up with several other poor choices: namely a missionary who gave me rules for how often we could communicate and in which way, and an irish man who gave me four ducklings.

by early 2012 i had floundered my way through most of my early twenties dating and breaking up, g-chatting my best friends about my heartache, dabbling in online dating, and metaphorically throwing my hands up in the air in submission to the universe (not really - i was walking with jesus through all of this, that just sounded like a good thing to say). i had really given up on marriage. i was fairly convinced that it was going to be me, jesus and my dogs for the rest of my life.

then, at the end of march, through the death of my beloved uncle roger, god bought kenny richardson in to my life. what a story the lord wrote through my whole life to bring me to april 4, 2012 when kenny and i went on our first date. i had always heard people say "you'll know. you'll just know." i never believed it until april 4th. and then i knew. i knew that i was going to spend all of my days with kenny richardson. when i look back now, there are things that are still hard to look at, to remember. there are pages of the story that i'd like to rip up and burn. there are parts that still hurt and have left permanent marks. but i can look back and clearly see the thread that the lord was weaving throughout all of my heartbreak and all of my confusion and insecurity and fear to knit my heart to kenny's.

a thousand words later, we've finally arrived at the point of this post: adoption is HARD. this wait is like nothing i've ever experienced. i walk by a nursery everyday - an empty crib, a car seat, diapers and tiny onesies - and i ache for a baby. i sit in that nursery every single night, and i pray and i hope and i dream about the day i'm rocking my crying baby and thanking god for every single sleepless night, every negative pregnancy test, every bump in the road on this journey to become a mama. when the wait is hard, and when i don't understand WHY, and when i'm feeling frustrated and confused and sad, i'm going to look back at the "altars" throughout my life, and i'm going to remember that the lord has been faithful in so many hurts and so many waits and so many unknowns for twenty-eight years. he will be faithful still. in the old testament, after the lord would provide or deliver or perform a miracle in the favor of his children the israelites, he would command them to build an altar. the altar was to commemorate what he had accomplished on their behalf - to remind them forever that their god keeps his promises. i have traced his faithfulness throughout my life to this point. he will be faithful to the very end of the adoption journey.

i know whom i have believed in

and i'm persuaded that he is able

to keep that which i've committed

unto him against that day

(from the old hymn inspired by 2 timothy 1:12)

march update!

i truly cannot believe it's march 2nd! moreso, i truly cannot believe we are in month four of our adoption journey! it seems like we just went to our initial meeting last week! it's been a busy four months, and we're thankful that they've gone by so quickly. this is the perfect time to give you a BIG update with everything that's been going on...

we were able to start our home study two months earlier than we anticipated. this had been our prayer since our training on december 12th. we were thrilled when the lord said yes and opened the door for our home study to start in february. we got the email on january 29th that we would have our first visit on february 3rd...five days later!! needless to say, the next five days were an absolute blur getting all of the little house projects done that we thought we'd have several more months to take care of. we planned our three meetings for the first three tuesdays in february. they all went beautifully. we were so encouraged throughout the whole process. our case worker is WONDERFUL. seriously. we love her. we miss seeing her once a week! she has walked with us every step of the way, educated us, listened to our questions and fears, and prayed with us. there are not enough words to describe how thankful we are for our case worker and the entire bethany staff. we knocked out our three meetings, including our one-on-one interviews (we made one trip, but i guess that's technically four meetings), and as of last thursday WE ARE APPROVED!!

what does that mean? it means we were approved to adopt a baby. our case worker wrote up every piece of information we had given her - and let me tell you, she now knows us better than WE know us. once the home study was written up in document form, our case worker passed it on the the state director for approval. she signed it on thursday morning, and we found out thursday afternoon that we were officially a waiting family! we could literally get a call tomorrow.

where do we go from here? well, the answer is not very exciting. basically, we wait. there are a few difference scenarios for how our adoption will play out:

1. we could be chosen through a recruitment email: the director (not our case worker) could email all of the waiting families in the state (28 of us) with a situation. those of us interested would reply. the birth mother would choose from the interested families.

2. we could be chosen through an office visit: an expectant mother could go to any bethany office in south carolina, flip through the waiting families' profile books, and choose that way. our case worker would call us and tell us we had been chosen.

3. we could be chosen through the internet: all bethany families are on their website. an expectant mother from anywhere in the US could see us and choose us.

4. we could get a call about a baby already born: should a birth mother decide in the hospital (after birth) to make an adoption plan, she would be given profile books to choose from. if she chose us, we would literally get a call to tell us our baby is waiting for us at the hospital.

in any of these situations, the most important thing to remember is that any of them could end with us leaving the hospital with a baby or with an empty car seat. mothers cannot sign relinquishment papers until at least 24 hours after birth. during that time, she can change her mind - even if she has promised us we will parent her baby. i don't even want to think about that.

for now, we're keeping ourselves busy. even though we've only been official for four days, i have to fight the urge to refresh my email and check my phone every three seconds. if i think too much about it, i really could make myself crazy. anyway. so far, we have done a little bit of baby shopping. we want to have some things ready should we get a call on a random wednesday morning! friday night my unbelievable 1st grade team surprised me with a little baby shower! talk about crying buckets! i was so shocked and could not be more thankful. they made me feel like a mama, and if you've ever adopted you know just how precious that feeling is. they surprised me with an baby bathtub FULL of onesies, the most adorable hand-sewn burpees i've ever seen, toys, and all kinds of goodness! it's so surreal to walk into the nursery and see baby clothes hanging in the closet! we finished painting the nursery last night, have picked out all of our colors/bedding, and ordered our travel system. it feels good to be doing things for the baby. we've also picked out a girl name and boy name. we know that this process could still be extremely long and difficult, but we trust that god knows where our baby is and will take care of her until we meet her.

we are so appreciative for so many people who have become partners in this adoption with us. thank you!

keep praying for...
-our wait (that it would be short and productive)
-our birth mother (that she is healthy and taking care of herself and the baby)
-our baby (that she is healthy and developing normally)
-our finances (there were some expenses we didn't account for, and we still need to cover a few thousand dollars. we are sending out grant applications this week. pray that the lord would bring in this last little bit of money.)

ringin' in the new year

hello, 2015!! i cannot even believe that it's already 2015. where in the world did the last year of my life go?! also, am i the only person who is a little lot melancholy that the holidays are over?? i really think i get a tad bit depressed once january 1st rolls around. that said, we are hoping that 2015 is a WONDERFUL year for the richardsons!

2015 could very easily be the year we bring home our baby. i get butterflies just thinking about it! for weeks i've been waiting for january 1st, because it would mean "the first of the year," which is when we were told the ball would start rolling again. finally it's the first of the year! we expect our reference forms to go out next week, and we're just waiting for home study dates. i am so beyond ready to get to the point that we're approved and waiting. this waiting for the wait is for.the.birds. i feel like we're just treading water and getting nowhere. every day seems to take eternity. i don't want to wish my life away (really, i don't), but it's so hard not to when there is a baby at the end of this journey. the journey. boy, would i like to know how long this journey is going to take. when i get in the car to go somewhere, i know about how long it will take me to get there - even if it's a longer trip. with adoption, we have no idea. none. this journey could be 3 weeks or 3 years. the unknown is so scary.

yesterday was really the first day of this adoption process that i felt anxious. i think for the first couple of months the excitement and joy and hope that our decision to adopt gave us really carried me. right now i just feel the weight of the wait. i've started thinking a lot about the risks and unknowns involved in adoption. the two things that have been giving me insomnia lately are 1. how long will it take? and 2. what if our birth mother changes her mind? i am terrified that we are going to be waiting for our baby for years. please do not use this opportunity to give me standard advice that it will happen at the right time, don't rush it, etc. I KNOW. i love you for wanting to be helpful, but just do what martina says and love me through it. then the other piece of my fear, what if a birth mother chooses us, we prepare for this baby for several months, we go to the hospital car-seat in hand, and she decides to parent? our case worker said that we would feel as though our baby was stillborn. i just cannot even imagine.

adoption is a roller coaster. we are thrilled and excited and hopeful. but there is a flip side, and i am scared, it is hard, and the waiting makes me sad. every single day there is a legit battle raging between my head and my heart; my heart is excited and overwhelmed with joy, and planning the nursery, and then my head steps in and tells my heart to cool it and be realistic and sober-minded. i think it's also important to point out that just because we're adopting doesn't mean that the ache for having biological children has diminished. that's simply not the case. your pregnancy announcements, baby showers, gender reveal parties absolutely break my heart (please do not be dramatic - that does not mean i am not happy for you! i am thrilled for you!). i know that one day we will have all of those things, and that hope is the balm for my hurting heart - but those things won't come to us neatly tied up in a 40 week time frame with a planned induction date. we're in a weird place. for so long all we wanted was to get pregnant. right now, we've come to accept that that's not going to happen (at least not without serious medical intervention or a miracle), and we are 100% thrilled to adopt - not just because it fulfills our desire to start a family, but also for what it represents and how it will be a very tangible expression of the gospel in our lives. there is a baby for us, and we love it already. i know that sounds crazy, but i don't know if you can understand that unless you've been in our shoes. anyway, if we get pregnant now, we forfeit all the work we have done for our adoption - and all the money we have put in it already. we have to start over. that baby, our baby, somewhere out there in this great big world would not be our's. it's a weird thing to say that getting pregnant right now is not ideal. (please do not take this opportunity to tell me we should be thrilled to get pregnant and accept whatever god sees fit to give us. again, I KNOW. love ya.) see what i mean by adoption is a roller coaster? 

so that was kind of a downer post. sorry about that. just keepin' it real. we really are excited. so excited. i know that these light and momentary afflictions will one day be eclipsed by glory - and i know that we will glimpse the glory and beauty and goodness of god when our baby is in our arms for the first time. we have already seen his hand all over our adoption. his faithfulness sustains us. i know one day i will look back and the wait will seem so minimal. i'll be rocking a baby to sleep so full of joy and thankfulness that i won't even consider the wait and the fear and the fires we walked through to get to her. or maybe i will, but it won't hurt. i think maybe i hope i will. i think maybe i hope i remember the ache in my heart for this child, and when i'm holding her, singing her to sleep, i hope i am on my knees in my heart thanking my faithful god who brought her to me, and i hope in those quiet moments i am faithful to pray for the mamas waiting and longing for their own babies. i pray our journey - my journey as a mama - is meaningful and that i use it to intersect the hearts and lives of other mamas walking the same road. 

keep praying, friends. your emails, facebook messages, texts, calls, hugs and kind, spoken words give us so much encouragement. truly. you will never know how the lord uses you as an instrument of his peace in our lives. some times it's easy to feel a little forgotten - i'm not pregnant, we don't have a due date - and it's so good for my soul to know we are not alone in this. pray for the wait. pray for our peace. pray for our birth mother. pray for our baby. we love you all, and we thank god for you every day!

adoption update

anybody else having trouble believing that CHRISTMAS is NEXT WEEK?! where has the year gone?? i am so excited. christmas eve is my absolute most favorite day of the year. it's pure magic, and i love it. i'm also excited that my brother and sister will be landing in south carolina on monday afternoon! apart from a quick dinner in may, i haven't seen them since february. i cannot put in to words how happy my heart is at the thought of hugging those necks on monday.

so the adoption. on friday kenny and i went to our adoption training. to be perfectly honest, the whole thing still feels so surreal. i just couldn't believe i was sitting there. december 12th was the date we were working towards - it was the deadline we really needed to meet and the one goal we set for ourselves in this whole process. and there we sat. i was so nervous going in to the meeting. i had no idea what to expect or who would be in the meeting with us. we got there about 40 minutes early! ha! the day was awesome. there were five other couples there, and though one or two of them already have biological children at home, the others are in the same boat we are. the infertility boat, that is. it was so, so encouraging to sit with other couples facing the same things we are. it was nice to just be with "our people." we've met some really neat couples, and it's so cool to now have this whole new family of people to keep up with and pray for and journey with.

the training began at 8:45 and lasted until 4:30. it was overwhelming. the day started with lectures on the process, openness in adoption, and finances. when i hear the words "open adoption," i'm not going to lie: my heart sinks. we have gone round and round with the idea of having an open adoption. we've both prayed about it. we pray for our birth mother. we pray for our baby. we pray for that our birth mother will experience jesus through us. but we don't want an open adoption. and we don't feel led towards an open adoption. a lot of people have tried to persuade us otherwise, but unless jesus himself tells us to have an open adoption, that is something we are completely uncomfortable with. of course, there are varying levels of openness in adoption, and there are things we would consider if we felt good about the situation. but there are also some things that we simply just do not want for our family. and we feel okay with that.we will continue to pray about this, as our agency will still present us with birth mothers who want open adoptions - we just have to say no if we're not interested.

we also learned a lot about what the process itself will look like from here. basically, kenny and i have done everything we can do on our end of things. the last two things that had to be taken care of were my drug screen and tb skin test. both of those were done today, so we're officially DONE. the next thing that will happen is that our reference request forms will be mailed out. we chose people very carefully for our references, and we feel really honored to have these people speaking on our behalf. after those go out, we will be waiting to hear about the dates for our home study. the home study will consist of four meetings: a joint meeting at our house, one-on-one meetings at the agency office, and a final joint meeting at our house. i was pretty nervous about the home study before the training, but now i'm actually really looking forward to it. the only discouraging piece of information that we got at the training is that the agency is really backed up on home studies. they said to expect several months before we'll be able to get started. please pray that they are able to catch up quickly, and that our home study will begin sooner rather than later.

once our home study if completed and the document written up, we will be considered an active, waiting family (if we are approved). besides the birth of our baby, that is the moment we are working for and anxiously awaiting. once we are approved, we'll put the nursery together and really start getting the house ready for a baby. we heard about a couple over the weekend who was approved three weeks ago and picked up their baby on friday! it could happen, yall!

we were also able to hear from an adoption attorney during the training. it was so helpful to hear about adoption laws directly from an attorney who does this every single day. he told us exactly how the law works, what we'll need to do once we get our baby, and what the final hearing will look like. we didn't know that we will actually have to take the stand at our hearing! the judge will ask us questions about our love and care for our baby. our attorney said that most judges will ask, "do you love this child?" he just so happens to be an adoptive father to three children, and he said that moment was always so emotional for him - it made it so real. i can't wait for that moment.

so that's where we're at. right now, we're just in limbo. we're working on our profile book (the book that expectant mothers look at to help select an adoptive family) and trying not to drive ourselves crazy by thinking about our baby. i'm really excited about putting our book together. the amazing heidi graves is going to be working on this with us, so there is no doubt in my mind that it will be incredible.

i had my first baby dream last night. it was a girl. a tiny little girl with a head full of dark hair. she had the sweetest little face.

thank you for sticking with us through this journey! please keep praying for us, for our birth mother, and for our baby. pray for our home study to begin soon. pray for us as we wait - that we will keep busy and use the wait to grow in christ and in our marriage. pray that we will meet our baby soon!

why should i be surprised?

i think the thing that has struck me more poignantly than anything else throughout this adoption process is that i am always surprised when jesus comes through. i guess the super-holy version of myself shouldn't admit that, but i like honesty so there ya have it. we have been shown favor - we have been told yes - repeatedly throughout this process, and yet, every single time, i can't believe it. jesus has kept every promise he's ever made to me over the past twenty-eight (and a half) years, and yet, here i am, sinful and stupid as ever - and i can't believe it when he keeps another promise.

i'm sure most of you read my post last week that not only were we accepted into the december 12th training, but there are also enough couples for bethany (our agency) to hold the meeting! TWO yeses! two specific prayers answered favorably. we were amazed.

i hinted in my facebook post earlier that we received some great news today. we've been looking into several different options for financing our adoption. we knew that more than likely some sort of loan would be the best way for us to pay for everything. we thought we had everything figured out, and then our first plan didn't work out. we were discouraged, but we just kept saying, "god is going to provide the money." fake it til ya make it, yall. last week we had two different opportunities come up. we knew that one was exponentially better for us than the other. we started praying specifically every single night when we did our devotion that the lord would hear our prayer and honor it. yall. kenny got a phone call at 3:30 today, and our prayer was answered! not only was it answered, but it was answered in a FAR greater, more beneficial way than we thought possible. our adoption is paid for. when we are matched with our baby, we can write the check and bring her home. this is a HUGE relief for us. i don't think i can express to you how incredible it feels to know that the finances are taken care of. that was the one big worry we have had through the whole process, and like he always does, the lord took care of it.

kenny and i went out to dinner tonight to celebrate. on the way there we talked about how smooth the whole process has been thus far - just how easily we have walked through each step of this journey. the only explanation we have for that is that the lord has gone before us. we are so thankful.

we continue to be blown away by the outpouring of love and joy and excitement and genuine care and interest in our adoption. i cannot tell you how good it is for our hearts to have family and friends walk with us, stand with us in prayer, and validate that we are going to soon be parents. thank you for asking questions, reading my blog, talking to us about the nursery, giving us recommendations on car seats - you are making a slightly surreal experience so very real and wonderful. one of the most amazing parts of this journey is being able to see ourselves and have others see us as parents - as if i were pregnant. you are all at the top of our list of things we're thankful for this year.

"now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to the power that is at work in us, to him be the glory." ephesians 3:20