what a 24 hours. i feel like i've just come out of a major break up. it's been tough to say good-bye to someone when i don't really even fully understand why i'm saying good-bye. you know that ache you get in your chest when you miss someone? when you stare at your phone or your inbox or facebook just waiting for their name to pop up? i have that now. and it is an unhappy feeling. i don't even want my cell phone near me. i don't want to check my email, and i definitely don't want to get on facebook (but i do it anyway, just in case). the worst part is wanting to be with someone when you know the best thing for both of you is to not be together for a whole lot of reasons - some better than others. despite the numerous failed relationships and heartbreaks i've faced, it never gets easier. it never makes sense. knowing it's the best thing never brings any immediate revelation of why or any sudden comfort. knowing you've spared some hurt feelings never saves the ones already destroyed.
what has bothered me most about this current situation is what was said to me last night: "i don't understand your emotional situation. you're so closed off. i don't know what you think or how you feel about anything." that more than anything literally made my breath catch in my chest and scared me to death. what is wrong with me? i know that i'm difficult, that i'm guarded and work to keep myself protected, but i've never heard anybody else say it. nobody else has ever picked up on it and called me out like that. i didn't know it was affecting my ability to communicate and have a relationship. that bothers me. granted, this was a strange situation to begin with, but this person obviously got to know me pretty well to see this side of me - to see it and question it and try to figure it out. that fact in and of itself makes me question everything that i've said and every reason i've given for saying it. i'm outgoing and friendly and compassionate - most people never realize how much i really do struggle to trust people and to allow myself to be vulnerable. there are so few people who have ever known the most intimate workings and feelings of my heart. and that this person saw that and was sensitive to that. man. what worries me is that i'm preventing myself from doing something i so want to do: fall in love. am i setting myself up for repeated heartbreaks, because i am unable to let people in? i don't know what i do about this. i don't know how i melt myself down to become less defensive and protected. i don't know how to let people in, rather than trying to keep them out. i think one of the biggest ways i do this, as far as relationships are concerned, is that i have ridiculously high standards. i am realizing more and more that i set such high standards so that i can always find something that i don't like so that i can end it before i have to let the person get close and let the relationship move forward. wow. more and more i realize that i am the problem. i'm praying that somehow the lord would work in my heart, melt it down, and make me a little less worried about beng safe from other people. this is also a scary thought, because i don't want to push jesus away - i don't want to work to keep him out. if anything, i want to work to let him in.
so much to learn and change and grow and make better and let go of and accept.
