life happened

nearly six months have passed since my last post. how is that possible?! here is your out: this is going to be a LONG post. if you have laundry to fold, kids to pick up, or a nap to take, you should probably just click the x in the top right corner and be done with it. cause this is gonna be a long read.

when i last wrote on sunday, december 13th, i didn't know that it would only be FOUR days until our sweet baby boy arrived! we were expecting it to be the following week. here's a little run down of what happened that week:

our precious birth mother was such a trooper. she was suffering from gestational diabetes and elevated blood pressure. she was doing everything she was supposed to do to take care of herself and the baby, but her body was not cooperating! she had been going to the doctor twice a week for several weeks, and we were really just sitting on go at any time. she went monday morning, and we were really hoping the doctor was going to take the baby then. however, he told her to come back wednesday morning. we were disappointed, but still knew that at the latest we would have a baby the following week. our birth mother had other plans! she was bound and determined to have the baby that week, and she didn't let us down! i don't know what she did wednesday morning, but at 9:30 that morning she texted me a picture of her check-in papers for labor and delivery the next day! whoa. i was in the middle of the last week of school before christmas break, and things were CRAZY! i gathered what i could, left my awesome room moms in charge, and bolted out the door to get ready to have a baby!

we woke up early thursday morning around 4. kenny and i were both nervous and excited; we were super quiet all morning and as we drove in the dark 45 minutes to the hospital. we got there at 6, and settled in. our birth mom was already checked in, and she was already in labor, so we were thinking we may have a baby by lunch time - that's what the doctor had told us at her last appointment. 6 hours later and no baby. at this point, my mom and aunt had trickled into the waiting room with lunch and to keep us from going crazy. kenny's parents came over later that afternoon. we had random check ins with our birth mom and her doctors, but nothing much was happening. it was the absolute longest day of our lives. around 5 our birth mother's doctor came to talk to us. he told us that the baby was, basically, stuck, and no progress had been made. he was going to give our birth mother until 6 to make some progress, and if she hadn't, he would do an emergency c-section. the hour came and went with no progress. at 6:10 the doctor came and told us that we would have a baby within the hour. WHAT?! WE'RE NOT READY! OMG! WHAT'S HAPPENING?! he talked us through what would happen, and told us not to go anywhere, that a nurse would be back for us in a few minutes. at 6:20 a nurse came to get us. everyone in the waiting room - including both of our families and all of the random friends we had made throughout the day - said good bye with teary eyes, and we were off to meet our boy!

the nurse walked us back to an operating room. she walked us through the procedure for the c-section, and told us what would happen once the baby got to us. our birth mother wanted him to come directly to us to be cleaned up and have his vitals checked. the nurse told us it would be about 20 minutes. kenny and i paced that tiny room up and down. we talked nervously, laughed about the fun to come, and then spent those last few moments quietly taking in everything that had brought us to that point. we saw our birth mother roll by on her way to her operating room. they had left our door about halfway open, and they left her door half way open, too. at 6:51 we heard our miracle baby's first cry from across the hallway. about one minute later he was there. this tiny, perfect gift that we had prayed for and wanted and waited for was there. jesus has answered thousands of prayers throughout my life time, but this answered prayer, all 10 pounds of him, was so real, so tangible, and so incredible. i've never seen kenny so in awe. i, of course, was sobbing. i think at one point i was even on my knees. our nurses were sobbing. but kenny, kenny was just elated; he just stared at that baby - our baby! - the whole time the nurses were cleaning him up. well, that and trying to get his crazy, crying wife under control. by 7:15 that sweet angel was nestled in my arms, right where he belonged. what a feeling! i got my hospital bracelet and that officially linked the baby to me. i was a mama!! our sweet nurses went and snuck back all of our families. there were probably 15 of us crammed in that tiny room. it was hot and crowded and kenny and i were exhausted, but it was perfect, and i'll never forget it. i fed the baby his first bottle, and then they whisked him (and me) away to the nursery for his first bath. after he was cleaned up, i was allowed to dress him, and i wheeled him in his plastic bassinet down the hall to our own little hospital room. this was the most surreal experience of my life. we couldn't spend the night with him, so we left the hospital late that night to get some rest and head back early the next morning.

we were back at the hospital by 7:30 the next morning ready to spend the day with our boy! because our birth mother had a c-section, we weren't expecting her to sign TPR (termination of parental rights) until saturday. there is no feeling in the world like the feeling you have while lingering in that space of time between meeting your baby, and your baby officially becoming "your baby." i was so nervous i was sick. i knew - really, i knew deep down in my heart - that he was our's. i knew our birth mother had chosen us and loved us and wanted us to have him. i felt like god had already given him to us. but waiting for everything to come to pass, knowing that there was still a chance our birth mother could change her mind, was one of the most difficult things i've ever faced. thankfully, our attorney was a miracle-worker, and surprise! - we were able to sign papers friday afternoon. everything was official by 5:00 friday afternoon. unbelievable relief - the first relief and easy breathing we had had in months! we stayed with the baby until late that night, went home, got about 3 hours of sleep, and were back at the hospital saturday morning to take our little one home! putting that car seat in the car and driving away from the hospital was one of the BEST feelings i have ever felt! we got home around lunch time, and now here we are, six months later! the adoption was finalized a couple of months ago, and we are officially, legally, and FOREVER a family! on the day of our hearing, we were sitting in the lobby waiting for our case to be called. someone came out and called for "john doe." kenny and i didn't move, but our attorney hopped up and said, "that's us!" john doe. it had never struck me that technically our sweet baby was a nameless, parentless orphan. that realization broke my heart. the judge reviewed our case; kenny and i both took the stand; and then she said, "i've reviewed your case, and i have decided to grant your adoption. he is your child." so many tears. he is mine! oh, what a good gift adoption is, and what a taste of the gospel we have been given. the gospel is so good. so sweet. and i would never know it the way i do now if we hadn't struggled with infertility, chosen to adopt, walked through this journey, and brought our boy home. thank you, jesus, for allowing us to experience the gospel this way. friends, adoption matters. it is so close to the heart of god. wherever you are in life, consider fostering or adopting. there are over 132 million - as in 132,000,000 - orphans in the world right now. 132 million. many of these would be legally FREE adoptions! as in these precious children are being GIVEN away, and nobody wants them. friends - believers - how can we stand by and allow this?? we are called to love and care for the orphans! so many of us are worried about all the stray animals of the world, and that's good and right. but why aren't we worried about the babies with no homes? children who are unloved? boys and girls with no mamas and daddies to take care of them? david platt said it best: "it is important to realize that we adopt not because we are rescuers. no. we adopt because we have been rescued."

the past six months have been the most wonderful of my life! mothering is truly more amazing, more fun, and more rewarding that i could have ever dreamed. it has blown every expectation out of the water. (it's also really hard, so everything's not always rainbows and butterflies. just sayin.) there is so much more to add, and i'm going to try to update more often, but there have been so many people who have asked how everything happened - and most (if not all) of those people prayed our sweet baby home to us, so i feel like i owe them the story! life is so rich because of this road we have journeyed and the place the lord has brought us to. it has been hard, yes. i have doubted and argued and questioned and screamed and cried and complained, yes. but the hard is worth it a thousand times over when i walk in to a sweet, grey nursery, peek over the side of the crib, and see those big, blue eyes, that crooked grin, and hear that precious little laugh. he is worth it.

and we can't wait to do it again...!

baby on the way

december is finally here! it's hard to believe that my last post was in august, and we had just been matched with our precious birth family. we have diligently been counting down the months, weeks, and now just days until our sweet baby is here. we've been preparing since july 24th, the day we found out we were "paper pregnant." well, really we've been preparing for two-and-a-half very long years. and i, well, i've been preparing to be a mama my whole life. this baby is so loved already. so wanted.. for a very long time this baby was just a distant, far off wish i hoped would come true. and now here we are. just days away from meeting this baby that will change our lives, and our hearts, forever.

this morning as i sat in church, i was suddenly overwhelmed by a thought: this isn't the only baby we are celebrating this christmas season. and this baby certainly isn't the most anxiously awaited baby to ever be born.

come, thou long expected jesus
born to set thy people free
from our fears and sins release us
let us find our rest in thee
israel's strength and consolation
hope of all the earth thou art
dear desire of every nation
joy of every longing heart

i know i've said it many times, but this adoption has taught me so much about my relationship with christ. as much as we have longed for this baby, it is nothing compared to the collective groan and depth of longing the whole of creation cried out with as it waited for the glorious revelation of jesus christ. creation waited once for christ, and he came as a baby in a manger. creation is waiting once again for him, and when he returns - and friend, he will return for us - he will come as a mighty victor.

adoption is an incredible picture of the gospel any time of year, but kenny and i are especially excited that our adoption is happening at christmas. because jesus came, and he himself was adopted by his earthly father, joseph, we are able to be adopted by god our heavenly father.

we could not be more excited to meet our baby. but i am also praying that the lord would not let even the birth of our little one overshadow the birth of the One, the savior king, in our hearts this season. in fact, i really can't think of a better way to begin our journey as parents, than for us to be totally consumed by the joy and glory and mystery of the birth of jesus. this little baby who will be our's will make us parents. it will fill our home with laughter and fun and lots more love. but the baby in the manger makes us holy. redeems us. saves us. the baby in the manger is life-giving.

this baby we're going to meet in a few days won't be the first baby to change our lives.

august update

oh, friends. if you could only fathom the joy that fills my heart right now! for any of you who have not yet heard (or read), kenny and i were chosen by a sweet birth mother on july 24th. we are expecting a sweet little baby on december 21st! i am so overwhelmed with just sheer awe for the work that the lord has done to connect all of the dots in this story. there are so many details that i would love to share, but there are some things that i just want to keep close to my heart.

so many times throughout this journey, even recently, i've been met with people who have questioned our choice to adopt. i have often felt slighted by people who are less than excited about our choice and our baby, and i can only guess that it's because the baby will not share our dna. those questions hurt me much more deeply than just about anything else in my life ever has. and really, i just have one question - particularly for people who question adoption and who call themselves believers (i should note, these are mostly people who ask me at the grocery store if i have kids, or at wal-mart, or random places and i end up talking about adoption): where would you be if not for adoption? you see, god designed adoption. adoption was his plan all along. if you are in christ, if you are a child of god, it is only through the blood of jesus christ that you are counted righteous and are able to be adopted as a child of god. when he chose you (#closetcalvinist) - you didn't look like him. you didn't share his make up. you were born in sin, and your heart was evil. you were his enemy. BUT. oh, that tiny word but that is so necessary to the follower of jesus. BUT while you were still a sinner - still his enemy - christ died for you so that you could be adopted into the kingdom. the forever family of god. if jesus never let me conceive a child on my own, i would still be thankful, because he counted me and kenny worthy enough to live out his adoption plan in our own lives. praise god for adoption, for love that knows no bounds - no dna, no chromosomes, no skin color, no biological predispostions, no genetic make up. praise god for adoption, for love that knows no depth that it isn't willing to reach - no sin too great, no heart too dark, no person too far gone. so when you think about our story, don't think about us. don't think about the miracle jesus worked in our lives - and he did work miracles, yall. think about the adoption you have experienced - or maybe desperately need to experience - in your own life. think about lines and boundaries and political correctness that grace stepped over when he found you. i got a message from a friend yesterday that said that my writing - my honesty and candor through this journey - has touched her life. this has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with our savior. our lives - our joy, our suffering, our stories - are so much bigger than us. we are so insignificant, and he is everything.

to say that we are overjoyed would be an understatement. we are absolutely over the moon excited to welcome this sweet baby into our lives. in south carolina, a birth mother cannot sign tpr (termination of parental rights) papers until 24 hours after the delivery. as confident as we are that this is our baby - and yall, god has shown us many times over the past two weeks that this is our baby - there is still fear of coming home with an empty car seat. i've been studying hebrews over the past week. in hebrews 3 and 4, the author writes about the sabbath rest. he's writing to (surprise!) hebrews - jewish believers who have lived their lives as slaves to the law. he explains that their unbelief will keep them from the rest that christ offers. of course, we could look deeper and assume that unbelief will prevent eternal rest. but that's not where i'm going today. rest. not sleep. not a nap. not waking up refreshed. rest. soul rest. peace. joy. hope. restoration. that's the rest jesus offers us. he has reminded me every single day that my own unbelief will keep me from his rest. it will keep me from his peace, his joy, his hope. in moments when fear grips my heart and i have exchanged the truth of god for the lies of satan (romans), when my eyes fill with tears over the fear of the "what ifs?," when satan tells me this is too good to be true, when i hear all the reasons why god can't possibly be this good to me - jesus gently reminds me that he is in my midst. he is in this situation. he has gone before and made a way. he has ordained and ordered and worked out every moment of the next four months. he is good, and he is for me.

as you continue to pray over the next four months, we would be so thankful if you would remember these things:
- our sweet little one (health, growth, safe delivery, and that it's little heart would already begin softening to hear the gospel one day)
- our birth parents - they are incredible people; pray for their hearts and that they would see jesus in us
- our hearts - that we would rest in the grace of jesus and trust that he is in this

a lot can happen in a week

we have had what i would call an eventful week. hard. heart-wrenching. anxiety-filled. disappointing. those are some other words i would use to describe the past seven days. since my last post, one short week ago, we have two - yes, TWO - failed adoption situations. i don't even understand how this is possible. five months go by with nothing - no calls. and then BAM! two awesome opportunities that didn't work out.

we were contacted by a birth mother early in the week. things went well, and we were invited to her ultrasound appointment on thursday to find out the gender of the baby. the baby is due at christmas. we were thrilled. the situation was absolutely perfect. she changed her mind.

this morning we got a call that a baby had been born, and we had been chosen to be its parents. unfortunately, it was a situation we were uncomfortable with, and we had to say no.

i have no words. we were both so unprepared for these kinds of things to happen to us. we knew they were possible, but just didn't believe they would happen. well, here we are. and they've happened. and the struggle is real. maybe you would pray for us? this road is hard and unpredictable and can feel isolating. if we don't talk about what's going on, then it's easy to just withdraw and suffer through it. and jesus has called us to community bigger or more beautiful than that.

july update

oh, hey, guess what? i'm still not a mama.

every day gets harder. i don't know if i can really do justice to the combination of aching, longing, frustration, and many other feelings that fill my heart all day every day. i wake up thinking of our baby, and i go to sleep thinking of our baby. she is in every thought in every moment of my day. it's a curious thing to love someone so deeply whom you have never met.

i've had a really hard time lately. trying to be hopeful. trying to be patient. trying to be faithful. trying to trust god. i don't know that our faith as believers is ever so tested as it is when god says wait. for a while i really did well. i busied myself with the nursery. i was teaching. i started grad school. now it's summer. and i'm home. and i see the nursery all day every day. i've closed the door, and i'm afraid that is somewhat symbolic for the status of my heart.

i watched a video yesterday about a couple who struggled for years with infertility and eventually adopted. their wait was long and hard. the wife said something that resonated with me - something i have been thinking for a while, but that i haven't wanted to say out loud. speaking about her desire for a child and her still empty arms, she said, "it just seems so mean of god."

it just seems so mean.

yes. yes, it does. it seems mean and unkind and pointless. god could give me a baby right now - today - if he would. but he doesn't. and it hurts. it hurts my heart in ways i never knew it could hurt. the grief of infertility mingled with the agony and yet hope of adoption is a near constant turmoil that i walk.

choosing to have me remain childless while granting babies to everyone else in the world just seems cruel. it makes me question his love for me. it makes me wonder what i'm being punished for. i know he is good. i know his love for me is immeasurable. i know i am favored by him through the blood of christ. i know these things. but i don't feel them right now. it makes it hard to crack open my bible. it makes it hard for me to speak to him. it makes it hard for me to listen to my favorite worship songs. i am sure there of those of you who can hardly believe that i would admit that, but it's true, and i believe there are more of you who can relate than those who cannot.

i'm tired of people giving me alternative methods for how i could get pregnant. i'm tired of people telling me that we'll adopt and then i'll get pregnant. i'm tired of people asking if we have heard anything, and not because i'm annoyed that you care - i hate having to give you the same answer, because i know that you care for us. i'm tired of saying, "we'll have a baby by then," because the reality is, we do not and we may not. i'm tired of watching the days tick by with no calls, no emails, no babies.

but then there is the other thing the wife in the video i watched yesterday said. "what i saw as him not loving me, was in fact him being the most loving he could have been." here in this journey, however difficult and long it may be, he is writing the story. he is writing the story of our family, and he started writing it even before kenny and i met. he is writing the story that we could never imagine for ourselves. he is at work for our good and for his glory. we don't want just any story; we want the one god has written for us. we want his best for us, even if it means waiting. and as elisabeth elliot wrote, "god's stories never end in ashes." when all that i have left of my hopes and dreams are their burned remains upon the altar of my heart, he is not finished. he promises beauty from ashes.

in all of this, there is still peace, somehow. there is the joy of the lord and there is the promise of strengthened faith, developed character, and good things to come. we cannot claim to know the outcome of our journey to be parents. we may become parents next week, next month, or next year. god may answer our prayer, "yes." but even if he does not, he is still good.

but even if he does not.

daniel 3:18

streams from rocks

i know this is stating the obvious, but i can't help it: it. is. so. HOT. our poor air conditioner hasn't stopped running since june 1st. right now it's set on 68 (hey, we like it cool), and it's currently 73 in the house. i am loving my summer, but i'm just gonna go ahead and say it: i'm ready for fall, football, and cold weather. i hate sweat. i hate hot. and i hate humidity. i'm so uplifting this afternoon.

actually, i'm going to be.

june 16th finds kenny and me still waiting to become parents. what a drag. we're in month eight of this journey, and while it has flown by, i've found myself feeling so discouraged lately. i ask kenny (or my mom) every single day, is it ever gonna happen?? will we ever get our baby?? they are both very reassuring, but it's just so hard to wait with no end in sight. not only is there no end in sight, but there aren't even any road signs. it's like traveling down some old one-lane highway with no signs, no stop lights, no detours, no other cars, no nothin. i've stopped going in to the nursery. in fact, the door stays closed all the time now. i don't buy baby stuff. i'm feeling completely over it and yet anxious about it at the same time.

i decided today i needed to do something new during my quiet time, so i hopped over to #shereadstruth (highly recommend this app for any of you ladies reading) and found a new study to start. it's called "in everything, give thanks." what i really felt like saying when i scrolled through and saw that title was, "pass." but i didn't. i knew it was the one jesus had saved for me for such a time as this. i reluctantly (i say reluctantly because i knew i was about to be 50 shades of convicted) added it to my bookshelf and set out to do the first day's study.

the scripture for today is psalm 105 and 1 thessalonians 5:16-18. here's a piece from psalm 105 that has played over and over in my head all afternoon:

seek the lord and his strength;

seek his presence continually.

remember the wondrous works that he has done.

his miracles and the judgements he uttered

(v. 4-5)

when he summoned a famine on the land

and broke all the supply of bread

he had sent a man ahead of them

(v. 16-17)

1 thessalonians 5:16-18 says:

rejoice always; pray without ceasing; give thanks in all circumstances.

i love psalm 105:17: "he had sent a man ahead of them." in this passage, the psalmist is recalling the story of joseph. he was sold in to slavery to the egyptians as a young boy by his brothers. eventually, he gained favor with the king and was released from slavery and made one of the king's right hand men. during this time, the israelites faced a famine that left them desperate for help and food. the egyptians had food. joseph's father sent his brothers to egypt for food, and who should they come across but their brother. joseph forgave them and showed them favor and kindness and provided everything they needed. there was a point to the pain joseph went through. the whole time israel was facing famine, and the whole time joseph was a slave in egypt, the lord was working for their good behind the scenes. they couldn't see it. they probably didn't always feel it. but he was working, and he didn't waste their circumstances. he used their circumstances to bring about his glory and their good.

if we keep reading in psalm 105, the psalmist goes on to write about how the egyptians grew to hate the israelites and eventually took them in to captivity and made them their slaves. one day, in an effort to protect her infant son, a young mother tucks her baby into a basket and places him in the river. that basket ends up in pharaoh's court, and that baby is raised as an heir to the egyptian throne. as he is growing up, the israelites are suffering greatly under the egyptians' rule. but god was working. he was growing moses to be the great deliverer the israelites would need to take them out of egypt. he had put moses right where he was for a purpose, and he would not waste those circumstances. once again, "he had sent a man ahead of them."

praise the lord that these two stories serve as foreshadowing for what would come in the new testament. even in circumstances of life that seem confusing, dark, painful, and unnecessary, we can trust that he has sent a man ahead of us. because jesus has gone before me, and because he holds all things together (colossians 1:17), i can trust that he is working behind the scenes of my life, orchestrating something beautiful. he brings beauty from ashes (isaiah 61:3). i read somewhere the other day that "ashes are never the end of the story." he always finishes his work of restoration, and he always remembers his promise of goodness, kindness, and favor to his children.

this week one of my favorite author's died. elisabeth elliot has written a lot of things that i love, but the one sentence she penned that i have had to claim over and over in my life is this:

"god never witholds from his child that which his love and wisdom call good. god's refusals are always merciful -- "severe mercies" at times but mercies all the same. god never denies us our hearts desire except to give us something better."

as is always the case when we read scripture, there is a call to action here. will i choose to trust in his goodness and his faithfulness and his sovereignty? will i actively rejoice always, pray without ceasing, and give thanks in this waiting? i'm sure gonna try. i'm going to trust that the one he has sent before me is sufficient for all my needs and even all my desires.

a day that will live in infamy

april 24th is a weird day for me. it's a day i celebrate/dread/laugh at/always remember. there is a real point to this post, but you're really gonna have to stick with me to get to it. just buckle up and hang in there.

let's rewind eight years ago to 2007. i was a junior at clemson, involved with a guy named rhett who was a senior at duke. if you don't know this story, wow. it's a good one. i'm not tech savvy enough to figure out how to post a link to my post on that subject, but go back to 2009 some time. it's there. basically, i was in a relationship with this guy for over a year. we never met in person, but we sent over 800 emails and exchanged texts, letters, pictures, gifts, etc. fifty-four weeks after his very first email (on april 24th), multiple failed attempts to visit each other, a trip to kentucky to see him (which resulted in me leaving disappointed because he wasn't home), frequent emotionally intense and draining situations, and a whole lot of pining away for this guy, i found out that a dear friend of mine had been pretending to be him all along. she had sent the emails, the letters, the gifts. the pictures were of a random guy she found on the internet. i opted out of my lease for my senior year. i was looking at condos in greenville. i was looking for wedding dresses. i was 100% convinced i was going to marry this man, all the while, confiding in my very close friend (the one actually pretending to be rhett) about all the highs and lows of our relationship. there is much, much more to this story, but this is the point: i was devastated. crushed. my heart was in pieces. it took me years to recover. my heart is permanently scarred from the betrayal, humiliation, and mind-blowing heartbreak i experienced.

i somehow managed to pull myself together to start dating again in 2009. i desperately wanted to get married, but i knew that getting to that point was going to be extremely hard for me. in every relationship i was involved in, i was in a constant struggle of bliss vs. crippling fear and the desire to cut and run. my first boyfriend after rhett was an experiment in how much hurt can both of us withstand? we tormented each other because of all of our baggage. after fourteen months of up and down, back and forth, on and off, it was finally over, and i was left cleaning up the pieces. again. i had to find a new church. i had to find a new route to and from work. i had to rearrange the furniture in my house. i had to paint the walls. it was a long and painful journey to healing.

shortly after, i decided that the best band-aid for a heartbreak was a new relationship. i'm wise beyond my years, i tell ya. i call this relationship my "horrible, terrible, no good, very bad decision." this was a mistake of epic proportions. i put myself in a situation that led to me feeling cheap, used, and worthless. i wondered how in the world i'd ever get over the ever-mounting hurt brought on by my love life. how i'd ever find the right guy and get married. i followed this brilliant moment in time up with several other poor choices: namely a missionary who gave me rules for how often we could communicate and in which way, and an irish man who gave me four ducklings.

by early 2012 i had floundered my way through most of my early twenties dating and breaking up, g-chatting my best friends about my heartache, dabbling in online dating, and metaphorically throwing my hands up in the air in submission to the universe (not really - i was walking with jesus through all of this, that just sounded like a good thing to say). i had really given up on marriage. i was fairly convinced that it was going to be me, jesus and my dogs for the rest of my life.

then, at the end of march, through the death of my beloved uncle roger, god bought kenny richardson in to my life. what a story the lord wrote through my whole life to bring me to april 4, 2012 when kenny and i went on our first date. i had always heard people say "you'll know. you'll just know." i never believed it until april 4th. and then i knew. i knew that i was going to spend all of my days with kenny richardson. when i look back now, there are things that are still hard to look at, to remember. there are pages of the story that i'd like to rip up and burn. there are parts that still hurt and have left permanent marks. but i can look back and clearly see the thread that the lord was weaving throughout all of my heartbreak and all of my confusion and insecurity and fear to knit my heart to kenny's.

a thousand words later, we've finally arrived at the point of this post: adoption is HARD. this wait is like nothing i've ever experienced. i walk by a nursery everyday - an empty crib, a car seat, diapers and tiny onesies - and i ache for a baby. i sit in that nursery every single night, and i pray and i hope and i dream about the day i'm rocking my crying baby and thanking god for every single sleepless night, every negative pregnancy test, every bump in the road on this journey to become a mama. when the wait is hard, and when i don't understand WHY, and when i'm feeling frustrated and confused and sad, i'm going to look back at the "altars" throughout my life, and i'm going to remember that the lord has been faithful in so many hurts and so many waits and so many unknowns for twenty-eight years. he will be faithful still. in the old testament, after the lord would provide or deliver or perform a miracle in the favor of his children the israelites, he would command them to build an altar. the altar was to commemorate what he had accomplished on their behalf - to remind them forever that their god keeps his promises. i have traced his faithfulness throughout my life to this point. he will be faithful to the very end of the adoption journey.

i know whom i have believed in

and i'm persuaded that he is able

to keep that which i've committed

unto him against that day

(from the old hymn inspired by 2 timothy 1:12)

march update!

i truly cannot believe it's march 2nd! moreso, i truly cannot believe we are in month four of our adoption journey! it seems like we just went to our initial meeting last week! it's been a busy four months, and we're thankful that they've gone by so quickly. this is the perfect time to give you a BIG update with everything that's been going on...

we were able to start our home study two months earlier than we anticipated. this had been our prayer since our training on december 12th. we were thrilled when the lord said yes and opened the door for our home study to start in february. we got the email on january 29th that we would have our first visit on february 3rd...five days later!! needless to say, the next five days were an absolute blur getting all of the little house projects done that we thought we'd have several more months to take care of. we planned our three meetings for the first three tuesdays in february. they all went beautifully. we were so encouraged throughout the whole process. our case worker is WONDERFUL. seriously. we love her. we miss seeing her once a week! she has walked with us every step of the way, educated us, listened to our questions and fears, and prayed with us. there are not enough words to describe how thankful we are for our case worker and the entire bethany staff. we knocked out our three meetings, including our one-on-one interviews (we made one trip, but i guess that's technically four meetings), and as of last thursday WE ARE APPROVED!!

what does that mean? it means we were approved to adopt a baby. our case worker wrote up every piece of information we had given her - and let me tell you, she now knows us better than WE know us. once the home study was written up in document form, our case worker passed it on the the state director for approval. she signed it on thursday morning, and we found out thursday afternoon that we were officially a waiting family! we could literally get a call tomorrow.

where do we go from here? well, the answer is not very exciting. basically, we wait. there are a few difference scenarios for how our adoption will play out:

1. we could be chosen through a recruitment email: the director (not our case worker) could email all of the waiting families in the state (28 of us) with a situation. those of us interested would reply. the birth mother would choose from the interested families.

2. we could be chosen through an office visit: an expectant mother could go to any bethany office in south carolina, flip through the waiting families' profile books, and choose that way. our case worker would call us and tell us we had been chosen.

3. we could be chosen through the internet: all bethany families are on their website. an expectant mother from anywhere in the US could see us and choose us.

4. we could get a call about a baby already born: should a birth mother decide in the hospital (after birth) to make an adoption plan, she would be given profile books to choose from. if she chose us, we would literally get a call to tell us our baby is waiting for us at the hospital.

in any of these situations, the most important thing to remember is that any of them could end with us leaving the hospital with a baby or with an empty car seat. mothers cannot sign relinquishment papers until at least 24 hours after birth. during that time, she can change her mind - even if she has promised us we will parent her baby. i don't even want to think about that.

for now, we're keeping ourselves busy. even though we've only been official for four days, i have to fight the urge to refresh my email and check my phone every three seconds. if i think too much about it, i really could make myself crazy. anyway. so far, we have done a little bit of baby shopping. we want to have some things ready should we get a call on a random wednesday morning! friday night my unbelievable 1st grade team surprised me with a little baby shower! talk about crying buckets! i was so shocked and could not be more thankful. they made me feel like a mama, and if you've ever adopted you know just how precious that feeling is. they surprised me with an baby bathtub FULL of onesies, the most adorable hand-sewn burpees i've ever seen, toys, and all kinds of goodness! it's so surreal to walk into the nursery and see baby clothes hanging in the closet! we finished painting the nursery last night, have picked out all of our colors/bedding, and ordered our travel system. it feels good to be doing things for the baby. we've also picked out a girl name and boy name. we know that this process could still be extremely long and difficult, but we trust that god knows where our baby is and will take care of her until we meet her.

we are so appreciative for so many people who have become partners in this adoption with us. thank you!

keep praying for...
-our wait (that it would be short and productive)
-our birth mother (that she is healthy and taking care of herself and the baby)
-our baby (that she is healthy and developing normally)
-our finances (there were some expenses we didn't account for, and we still need to cover a few thousand dollars. we are sending out grant applications this week. pray that the lord would bring in this last little bit of money.)

ringin' in the new year

hello, 2015!! i cannot even believe that it's already 2015. where in the world did the last year of my life go?! also, am i the only person who is a little lot melancholy that the holidays are over?? i really think i get a tad bit depressed once january 1st rolls around. that said, we are hoping that 2015 is a WONDERFUL year for the richardsons!

2015 could very easily be the year we bring home our baby. i get butterflies just thinking about it! for weeks i've been waiting for january 1st, because it would mean "the first of the year," which is when we were told the ball would start rolling again. finally it's the first of the year! we expect our reference forms to go out next week, and we're just waiting for home study dates. i am so beyond ready to get to the point that we're approved and waiting. this waiting for the wait is for.the.birds. i feel like we're just treading water and getting nowhere. every day seems to take eternity. i don't want to wish my life away (really, i don't), but it's so hard not to when there is a baby at the end of this journey. the journey. boy, would i like to know how long this journey is going to take. when i get in the car to go somewhere, i know about how long it will take me to get there - even if it's a longer trip. with adoption, we have no idea. none. this journey could be 3 weeks or 3 years. the unknown is so scary.

yesterday was really the first day of this adoption process that i felt anxious. i think for the first couple of months the excitement and joy and hope that our decision to adopt gave us really carried me. right now i just feel the weight of the wait. i've started thinking a lot about the risks and unknowns involved in adoption. the two things that have been giving me insomnia lately are 1. how long will it take? and 2. what if our birth mother changes her mind? i am terrified that we are going to be waiting for our baby for years. please do not use this opportunity to give me standard advice that it will happen at the right time, don't rush it, etc. I KNOW. i love you for wanting to be helpful, but just do what martina says and love me through it. then the other piece of my fear, what if a birth mother chooses us, we prepare for this baby for several months, we go to the hospital car-seat in hand, and she decides to parent? our case worker said that we would feel as though our baby was stillborn. i just cannot even imagine.

adoption is a roller coaster. we are thrilled and excited and hopeful. but there is a flip side, and i am scared, it is hard, and the waiting makes me sad. every single day there is a legit battle raging between my head and my heart; my heart is excited and overwhelmed with joy, and planning the nursery, and then my head steps in and tells my heart to cool it and be realistic and sober-minded. i think it's also important to point out that just because we're adopting doesn't mean that the ache for having biological children has diminished. that's simply not the case. your pregnancy announcements, baby showers, gender reveal parties absolutely break my heart (please do not be dramatic - that does not mean i am not happy for you! i am thrilled for you!). i know that one day we will have all of those things, and that hope is the balm for my hurting heart - but those things won't come to us neatly tied up in a 40 week time frame with a planned induction date. we're in a weird place. for so long all we wanted was to get pregnant. right now, we've come to accept that that's not going to happen (at least not without serious medical intervention or a miracle), and we are 100% thrilled to adopt - not just because it fulfills our desire to start a family, but also for what it represents and how it will be a very tangible expression of the gospel in our lives. there is a baby for us, and we love it already. i know that sounds crazy, but i don't know if you can understand that unless you've been in our shoes. anyway, if we get pregnant now, we forfeit all the work we have done for our adoption - and all the money we have put in it already. we have to start over. that baby, our baby, somewhere out there in this great big world would not be our's. it's a weird thing to say that getting pregnant right now is not ideal. (please do not take this opportunity to tell me we should be thrilled to get pregnant and accept whatever god sees fit to give us. again, I KNOW. love ya.) see what i mean by adoption is a roller coaster? 

so that was kind of a downer post. sorry about that. just keepin' it real. we really are excited. so excited. i know that these light and momentary afflictions will one day be eclipsed by glory - and i know that we will glimpse the glory and beauty and goodness of god when our baby is in our arms for the first time. we have already seen his hand all over our adoption. his faithfulness sustains us. i know one day i will look back and the wait will seem so minimal. i'll be rocking a baby to sleep so full of joy and thankfulness that i won't even consider the wait and the fear and the fires we walked through to get to her. or maybe i will, but it won't hurt. i think maybe i hope i will. i think maybe i hope i remember the ache in my heart for this child, and when i'm holding her, singing her to sleep, i hope i am on my knees in my heart thanking my faithful god who brought her to me, and i hope in those quiet moments i am faithful to pray for the mamas waiting and longing for their own babies. i pray our journey - my journey as a mama - is meaningful and that i use it to intersect the hearts and lives of other mamas walking the same road. 

keep praying, friends. your emails, facebook messages, texts, calls, hugs and kind, spoken words give us so much encouragement. truly. you will never know how the lord uses you as an instrument of his peace in our lives. some times it's easy to feel a little forgotten - i'm not pregnant, we don't have a due date - and it's so good for my soul to know we are not alone in this. pray for the wait. pray for our peace. pray for our birth mother. pray for our baby. we love you all, and we thank god for you every day!

adoption update

anybody else having trouble believing that CHRISTMAS is NEXT WEEK?! where has the year gone?? i am so excited. christmas eve is my absolute most favorite day of the year. it's pure magic, and i love it. i'm also excited that my brother and sister will be landing in south carolina on monday afternoon! apart from a quick dinner in may, i haven't seen them since february. i cannot put in to words how happy my heart is at the thought of hugging those necks on monday.

so the adoption. on friday kenny and i went to our adoption training. to be perfectly honest, the whole thing still feels so surreal. i just couldn't believe i was sitting there. december 12th was the date we were working towards - it was the deadline we really needed to meet and the one goal we set for ourselves in this whole process. and there we sat. i was so nervous going in to the meeting. i had no idea what to expect or who would be in the meeting with us. we got there about 40 minutes early! ha! the day was awesome. there were five other couples there, and though one or two of them already have biological children at home, the others are in the same boat we are. the infertility boat, that is. it was so, so encouraging to sit with other couples facing the same things we are. it was nice to just be with "our people." we've met some really neat couples, and it's so cool to now have this whole new family of people to keep up with and pray for and journey with.

the training began at 8:45 and lasted until 4:30. it was overwhelming. the day started with lectures on the process, openness in adoption, and finances. when i hear the words "open adoption," i'm not going to lie: my heart sinks. we have gone round and round with the idea of having an open adoption. we've both prayed about it. we pray for our birth mother. we pray for our baby. we pray for that our birth mother will experience jesus through us. but we don't want an open adoption. and we don't feel led towards an open adoption. a lot of people have tried to persuade us otherwise, but unless jesus himself tells us to have an open adoption, that is something we are completely uncomfortable with. of course, there are varying levels of openness in adoption, and there are things we would consider if we felt good about the situation. but there are also some things that we simply just do not want for our family. and we feel okay with that.we will continue to pray about this, as our agency will still present us with birth mothers who want open adoptions - we just have to say no if we're not interested.

we also learned a lot about what the process itself will look like from here. basically, kenny and i have done everything we can do on our end of things. the last two things that had to be taken care of were my drug screen and tb skin test. both of those were done today, so we're officially DONE. the next thing that will happen is that our reference request forms will be mailed out. we chose people very carefully for our references, and we feel really honored to have these people speaking on our behalf. after those go out, we will be waiting to hear about the dates for our home study. the home study will consist of four meetings: a joint meeting at our house, one-on-one meetings at the agency office, and a final joint meeting at our house. i was pretty nervous about the home study before the training, but now i'm actually really looking forward to it. the only discouraging piece of information that we got at the training is that the agency is really backed up on home studies. they said to expect several months before we'll be able to get started. please pray that they are able to catch up quickly, and that our home study will begin sooner rather than later.

once our home study if completed and the document written up, we will be considered an active, waiting family (if we are approved). besides the birth of our baby, that is the moment we are working for and anxiously awaiting. once we are approved, we'll put the nursery together and really start getting the house ready for a baby. we heard about a couple over the weekend who was approved three weeks ago and picked up their baby on friday! it could happen, yall!

we were also able to hear from an adoption attorney during the training. it was so helpful to hear about adoption laws directly from an attorney who does this every single day. he told us exactly how the law works, what we'll need to do once we get our baby, and what the final hearing will look like. we didn't know that we will actually have to take the stand at our hearing! the judge will ask us questions about our love and care for our baby. our attorney said that most judges will ask, "do you love this child?" he just so happens to be an adoptive father to three children, and he said that moment was always so emotional for him - it made it so real. i can't wait for that moment.

so that's where we're at. right now, we're just in limbo. we're working on our profile book (the book that expectant mothers look at to help select an adoptive family) and trying not to drive ourselves crazy by thinking about our baby. i'm really excited about putting our book together. the amazing heidi graves is going to be working on this with us, so there is no doubt in my mind that it will be incredible.

i had my first baby dream last night. it was a girl. a tiny little girl with a head full of dark hair. she had the sweetest little face.

thank you for sticking with us through this journey! please keep praying for us, for our birth mother, and for our baby. pray for our home study to begin soon. pray for us as we wait - that we will keep busy and use the wait to grow in christ and in our marriage. pray that we will meet our baby soon!

why should i be surprised?

i think the thing that has struck me more poignantly than anything else throughout this adoption process is that i am always surprised when jesus comes through. i guess the super-holy version of myself shouldn't admit that, but i like honesty so there ya have it. we have been shown favor - we have been told yes - repeatedly throughout this process, and yet, every single time, i can't believe it. jesus has kept every promise he's ever made to me over the past twenty-eight (and a half) years, and yet, here i am, sinful and stupid as ever - and i can't believe it when he keeps another promise.

i'm sure most of you read my post last week that not only were we accepted into the december 12th training, but there are also enough couples for bethany (our agency) to hold the meeting! TWO yeses! two specific prayers answered favorably. we were amazed.

i hinted in my facebook post earlier that we received some great news today. we've been looking into several different options for financing our adoption. we knew that more than likely some sort of loan would be the best way for us to pay for everything. we thought we had everything figured out, and then our first plan didn't work out. we were discouraged, but we just kept saying, "god is going to provide the money." fake it til ya make it, yall. last week we had two different opportunities come up. we knew that one was exponentially better for us than the other. we started praying specifically every single night when we did our devotion that the lord would hear our prayer and honor it. yall. kenny got a phone call at 3:30 today, and our prayer was answered! not only was it answered, but it was answered in a FAR greater, more beneficial way than we thought possible. our adoption is paid for. when we are matched with our baby, we can write the check and bring her home. this is a HUGE relief for us. i don't think i can express to you how incredible it feels to know that the finances are taken care of. that was the one big worry we have had through the whole process, and like he always does, the lord took care of it.

kenny and i went out to dinner tonight to celebrate. on the way there we talked about how smooth the whole process has been thus far - just how easily we have walked through each step of this journey. the only explanation we have for that is that the lord has gone before us. we are so thankful.

we continue to be blown away by the outpouring of love and joy and excitement and genuine care and interest in our adoption. i cannot tell you how good it is for our hearts to have family and friends walk with us, stand with us in prayer, and validate that we are going to soon be parents. thank you for asking questions, reading my blog, talking to us about the nursery, giving us recommendations on car seats - you are making a slightly surreal experience so very real and wonderful. one of the most amazing parts of this journey is being able to see ourselves and have others see us as parents - as if i were pregnant. you are all at the top of our list of things we're thankful for this year.

"now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to the power that is at work in us, to him be the glory." ephesians 3:20

my new full time job

we have a new normal in our house. it looks something like this:

i come home from work; kenny ends his work day from his home office. we catch up on the day, eat dinner, and then we begin our new full time job. that full time job would be adoption paper work. yall. i have never in my life seen such. we spend about three hours every night going through documents, reviewing our checklist, finding birth certificates, copying pay stubs, and mapping out our finances. kenny sits in his office chair, mesh shorts and old blue sweatshirt his uniform - and his tall white socks scrunched down. i always said i would never date a guy who wore tall socks. what became of me?! he admittedly wears them now simply to irritate me. #marriage. i'm on the floor, back against the wall, whining about my butt going numb from sitting so long. the dogs are curled up on the floor beside me. this is our new family time. the kitchen is a disaster. shoes are strewn all over the living room. our kitchen table is covered in both folded laundry and paper work, carefully stacked and categorized: finished, not finished, finished but need signatures. by about 9:30 each night, after two, three or four hours of work, it all just becomes really funny - like that really silly funny when nothing makes sense and nobody knows why you're laughing.

so that's where we're at. we're in the middle of collecting every piece of paperwork that has anything whatsoever to do with either of us. birth certificates, our marriage license, pet vaccination records, questions about our childhoods, descriptions of our parents, personal testimonies, bank statements, proof of insurance, etc. it goes on and on. while it is very safe to say that neither of us enjoys all of this, we're actually having a great time. i imagine this adoption process is similar to what a pregnant woman and her husband go through. i am, after all, pregnant in my heart (thanks, megan quigley. you're a gem.)! there's so much work - so much build up - preparations, plans, things to do, things to learn - all leading up to one remarkable moment: meeting your child face to face. everyday is exciting, because everyday we are one day closer to meeting our baby! i think that's one thing i would like more people to understand: just because we are adopting doesn't make us any less parents right this very second. some babies grow in bellies. some grow in hearts.

while i'm on this subject, i just want to say that my baby is as real to me right now as any baby ever born to any woman. and when she is born, and i see her sweet little face for the first time, she will be mine. mine. she will be as much mine as i am my mama's. the lines of blood and dna and genetics will all be blurred, and she will be mine. i will love her every bit as much as my mom loves me. i will carry her in my heart the same way my mom carries me in her heart. i will worry for her, pray for her, hope for her, dream for her, fear for her - the very same way my mom does for me. it will not for one second matter that our dna doesn't match.

i'm assuming most of you would appreciate an actual adoption update, not the ramblings of an adoptive mother's heart and mind. we have until december 5 to finish all of these pre-study documents, including having our background checks and finger prints. we have to return all of these documents with a $1,000 check. our goal is to have these things taken care of by next week, because we really want to get in to that december 12 training. that is one BIG way you can be praying for us: pray that we can complete all of this paper work and get it turned in next week; pray specifically that we are accepted to the december 12 training. here's the next big prayer request: i spoke to the adoption coordinator yesterday. she let me know that she didn't feel like our home study would even begin until february, because they are a bit behind right now. this pushes us back to even being approved until late february/march. please, please pray that the social workers would be able to quickly catch up on home studies, and that we would be able to move forward much faster than february or march. if this does not happen, please pray that our hearts would have peace and calm and be covered in grace to handle this wait. every day is closer to our baby, but every day feels like an eternity.

thanks for going on this wild ride with us!

xoxo.

adoption update

so yesterday we had our mandatory adoption orientation at bethany. we were both really excited about the meeting, because it meant something was happening - we were taking a step closer to our baby! let me tell you how our day started: with a backed up septic tank.

go ahead and picture that and then just know that it was ten times worse than what you just imagined. sewage was overflowing out of toilets, sinks, and bathtubs. it smelled awful. it looked awful. it was awful. thankfully i had already had a shower when we made this discovery, but kenny had not. he rushed out the door to his parents' in elgin to shower before our meeting. i got ready quickly, flew out to elgin to scoop him up, then we headed to columbia. i wish i could say that we handled this inconvenience with grace, but truthfully, we were absolutely frazzled, aggravated, and short with each other. what should have been an exciting morning turned into a couple of ill-boxes riding down the road in silence. praise the lord we had gotten it out of our systems by the time we got to the meeting, and we were back to being a happily married couple.

as soon as we sat down in the conference room, kenny pulled out the orientation packet. he flipped through it quickly (all 28 pages of power point slides) and said, "i should have taken an adderall." HA. two hours later we emerged full of information, hungry, with head aches. it was a LOT of information to process. we learned so much about the process, expectations, wait time, etc.

the first thing we had to do after leaving the meeting was to email the bethany adoption specialist and let her know that we're ready to proceed with our formal application. i emailed her from my phone from the parking lot of bethany's building. ha. we were a little excited! i spent yesterday afternoon completing our application (while kenny spent the afternoon cleaning up the septic tank mess). we sent in our application, paid our application fee, and got our next steps. we have our pre-study documents in hand, and we have until december 5 to complete them and pay our pre-study fee. we are going to do our best to get these documents finished before thanksgiving, because we need to get in to a mandatory training on december 12. they only take three couples from each of bethany's three south carolina offices, and there isn't another meeting until february. we REALLY want to have this training complete so we can move on to our home study.

this is the part where reality smacks us in the face. at the meeting we got to see the break down of fees, and let's just say we were less than encouraged. the overall cost of our adoption (just the adoption - not financial support for our birth mom, not attorney fees) will be $18,000. it's totally and completely overwhelming. the upfront cost will be about $4,000. that's a manageable figure, and we have a plan in place to cover our home study document fee, home study, and marketing fee. however, when we pick up our baby, we have to have a check for $14,500 ready. we have no idea where this is going to come from. we have gotten some good information about adoption grants that we can apply for once we are considered an approved family, so that has given us some hope. although it's encouraging, it doesn't give us a clear plan, and it also doesn't account for what happens should we be matched with a baby sooner rather than later.

i would be lying if i didn't say that we are apprehensive. this is a big leap of faith. huge. giant. massive. we believe that adoption is important to the heart of god, and we believe he teaches us to care for the orphans. because of this, we believe that god will raise up the funds we need to bring our baby home.

we are thankful for your continued support and prayers! i am blown away every single day by the sheer excitement and joy that so many of you show me. here are some things you can be praying about:

• that we would be able to complete our pre-study paperwork quickly and efficiently
• that we would be invited to attend the december 12 training
• that we would be assured of god's ability to provide
• that funds would come together
• that our eyes would be open to god working through this process - that we would see his fingerprints all over it - that we would be amazed by the wonders that we know he will accomplish through this process
• our birth mother
• our baby

xoxo.

what will you tell your baby?

god decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through jesus christ. this is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. (ephesians 1:5)

i love this verse. i loved it before i knew that my baby would be adopted, but i really love it now. what speaks to me most about this verse (from the NLT) is that it says this is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. abba father wanted me. sending jesus to redeem me made him happy (don't misinterpret this - his glory is always his purpose in everything he does). adopting me into his family gave him great pleasure. i love how this verse really conveys the message that jesus was always plan a. this is what he wanted to do. this redemptive work - this adoption - this grafting of my sinful, wayward soul into the fold - this is what he wanted. this was the plan all along. adoption was the plan all along.

and just as my adoption into the kingdom was god's plan all along, the adoption of our sweet baby has been god's plan all along. he knew even before the moment of my soul's salvation that adoption would define my life: both in this world and for eternity. i love that. i love that before kenny ever met me - before he even knew this crazy girl who told him on their first date that she wanted to adopt - the lord knew that kenny would adopt a child to be his own. i have never believed in coincidence. but as i have journeyed through my 28.5 years, and as we stand on the bank of this new adventure, i am even more certain that there is not one tiny thread of my life that jesus has not ordained. psalm 139:16 tells us: your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book they were all written - every one of them - the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them. before i was even a thought - a dream in my mama's heart - the lord had planned and numbered and designed my life and my days. he already knew. he already knows.

adoption is costly. it cost jesus his life. it will cost us a whole lot of money that we don't even have yet. it's big and scary, and a lot of people don't understand it. but it was the plan all along. but this is what he wanted to do. jesus wanted me. so he paid the price. i cannot wait to look into the face of my precious child and say, "you are what we wanted. so we paid the price." people have asked us what we will tell our child - how will we explain adoption - how we will tell our child that we paid for them. our answer is always the same: we will share the gospel with her. [side note: when talking about the baby, we usually say her; kenny and i both just "have a feeling" that we will have a girl first.] we will share ephesians 1:5 with our baby over and over until the day we die: god decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through jesus christ. this is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. we decided long ago to adopt you, little one. you are what we wanted, and you have given us great pleasure. that's how we'll explain it. my eyes fill with tears just thinking about the moment that i get to share the gospel with my little one through her very own adoption story.

i've been thinking a lot about life post-adoption. i realized today that our baby will not inherit any of our qualities - looks, personalities, talents. i was feeling kind of sad about that, because there are a lot of things about kenny that i would like to see in our children (and only a couple things of myself!). then jesus reminded me of something: when he adopted me, i didn't have anything in me that was like him. i was his enemy, in fact. but when he adopted me, he gave me his righteousness - his glory - his goodness - his love - his kindness - his patience. he imparted those things to me. i don't have a lot of good in me, but the small bits i do have, i have because of christ in me. my prayer is that kenny and i will impart the best things about ourselves to our baby. i pray so often that jesus will magnify himself in us, and that will be what we give to our child. i would love to see a little girl with dark, curly hair (like her parents), olive complexion (like her daddy), and big, blue eyes (like her mama). i would love for her to be disciplined and organized and logical like her daddy, and passionate, opinionated, and stubborn like her mama. i would love to look at my baby and get a glimpse of kenny - and maybe sometimes myself. but more than that - more than i want to see me in my child - i want to see jesus in her. i want her to love like he loves. i want her to be kind. i want her to be generous. i want her to be faithful. i want her to be steadfast in her convictions. i want her to be humble and have a heart for service.

it's amazing, this story of adoption. the lord has used my own adoption to help me understand the adoption of our baby. he has used the adoption of our baby to help me understand my own adoption into his family. he has also used the adoption of our baby to cause me to fall on my face in awe of the great mystery and marvel and splendor of the cross. truly adoption was the plan all along. this is what he wanted to do.

earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal

the lord has surely blessed us. over the past week people from around the world (literally) have been reading our story, praying for us, sending messages, notes, texts, emails, making phone calls all in the name of encouragement. i am blown away. what's more amazing is how the lord has woven the lives of the people in my family together so intricately through this struggle.

many of you saw my post last night about my brother and sister. i guess i should clarify that my brother is not married to my sister. although that would certainly make the story even MORE interesting! gray met jennifer in 2009 and loved her from the first moment he saw her. i was the first one in our family to meet her, and i have also loved her from the first moment i met her. she and i have the most unique relationship that i have ever experienced. the lord has literally bound our hearts and souls together and blurred all lines of blood and marriage and what the law says about our relationship. she is my sister, and our bond is one of the most sacred things in my life. anyway, she and gray are walking through a similar but different situation as they try to begin their family. please, if you pray for me and kenny, read their story and pray for them. you can read about what's going on in their lives on jen's blog: thegardners7712.blogspot.com.

since so many of you have read about their story and have appreciated knowing exactly what's going on in with them, i thought i should give a little clarity to our own situation. this might explain what's going on a little better.

kenny and i got married in june of 2013. i immediately quit the birth control pill. we knew it could take at least three months for my body to adjust to the drastic change in hormones, so we made the decision to go ahead and stop it as soon as we got married. since i quit the pill my body has been in an all out mutiny. when i quit the pill my mom and several other people laughed that i'd probably be pregnant by september. i had really hoped so. weeks turned in to months, and my body did not adjust. in fact, it rebelled. i must have taken 75 pregnancy tests between july and february. seriously. my body didn't regulate itself to doing what it was supposed to each month, so each month we got excited that maybe, just maybe, we had gotten pregnant. and multiple times each month i sat on the bathroom floor and cried surrounded by multiple negative pregnancy tests. in october i went to the doctor and had every panel of blood work run that you could possibly have run. everything came back normal. we kept trying. by march i was at my wits' end, so we decided it was time to head back to the doctor. my doctor ran another panel of blood work, and it turns out that i have no hormones. well, not none, but not enough to make me function like a normal person. we also learned that my body does not ovulate on its own. super. to get pregnant you kind of have to ovulate. my doctor put me on an oral hormone and a fertility drug that should have forced my body to ovulate. the first round of this medication was one of the lowest points i can remember having in years. that is no exaggeration. it was absolutely horrible. i was horrible grumpy, depressed, had hot flashes, insomnia, everything hurt, my emotions were ALL over the place, and everything inside of my body was overstimulated and swollen. i could barely move, sit, or stand. uncomfortable doesn't begin to describe it. i cried most of the time. this lasted for two and a half weeks out of each month we did this. the cycle started with blood work to check levels, oral hormone to stimulate my "monthly friend," fertility drug, doctor's visit on day 14 to check follicle growth and to be sure i wasn't having any symptoms of a potentially fatal side effect called ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome. then on day 21 i went back to the doctor for more blood work to check my levels. on day 28 i started taking home pregnancy tests every other day until day 35. at day 35 i went in for blood work to confirm the absence of a pregnancy. this was the all clear to begin again. just to give you an idea of how completely worthless my body is at making babies: my levels of progesterone needed to be at the VERY bare minimum a 3 for that be a sign of ovulation. my level was 0.3. you read that correctly. 0.3. ideally i would have been at a 10 or higher.

as we got ready to start our final round of this drug, i was so overcome with fear and dread. i didn't want to. i mean i REALLY didn't want to. research shows that with these types of drugs if they're going to work, they'll work the first time. the medicine wasn't forcing my body to ovulate. it wasn't working. i went back to the doctor and told her i was done and what else could we do. she explained that i would need much more serious medication (with much more serious side effects) and that she could no longer help me. she referred me to a new specialist. in the mean time she put me on a diabetes medication (i am not even close to being diabetic) that could help my body get back to normal. 

kenny and i had a decision to make: continue on with more serious drugs that could pose a more serious threat to me long term or stop all treatment. we did some research and found some studies that indicate that fertility treatments increase the chances of having a female specific cancer by as much as three times. i have a strong family history of cancer. we were not comfortable moving forward with treatment.

and that is how we came to the conclusion to adopt. i saw this somewhere, and it's really true about how we feel: it's more important for us to be parents than it is for me to be pregnant. i may never be pregnant. i may never know what that's like. maybe at some point the lord will perform a miracle and allow to me to get pregnant. for now, we will grieve the loss of babies that won't be born of us, but we will pray hopefully and expectantly for the baby (or babies) that will be born for us. there's a david crowder song called "come as you are." my favorite line says earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal. i don't understand why every jane doe on the street who DOES NOT NEED A CHILD can conceive easily, over and over again and i cannot. but earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal. these light and momentary afflictions are nothing compared to the glory awaiting us.

all the way

today in church the choir sang the old hymn, "all the way my savior leads me." the following words are from the second verse (which happens to be my favorite):

all the way my savior leads me

cheers each winding path i tread

gives me grace for every trial

feeds me with the living bread

though my weary steps my falter

and my soul athirst may be

gushing from the rock before me

lo, a spring a joy i see

it got me thinking about this journey kenny and i are on.

throughout the past year as we have failed to conceive, even in my most emotional moments, i have had incredible peace. i have never once doubted that we would be parents. i have always wanted to adopt. always. i don't know where the desire came from, except that the lord put it in my heart. when kenny and i first started dating, we had the "kid talk." you know the one: we talked about how many kids we wanted, how far apart, when we wanted to start, etc. then i threw out the adoption card. kenny said he thought that was great, but he wasn't overly excited about the idea. at that point, i knew i was going to marry him (really, i did. i knew from the moment i met him.), but i don't know if he was there yet. i just assumed he would eventually come around to the idea of us adopting.

fast forward to the months following our wedding. we began to talk more seriously about growing our family, and adoption was always a part of the conversation. i made sure of that. as the months passed, and we didn't get pregnant, adoption began to become a more serious part of the conversation. while kenny agreed that adoption is wonderful, and we would probably adopt down the road, he wanted to continue with fertility treatments to hopefully have a biological child first. i have only shared this next story with one other soul:

one day over the summer, i was driving down our little street headed home from picking up another round of medicine. i already had a pit in my stomach, because i dreaded the side effects i would experience over the next two weeks. this always happened before i started medicine. i was completely overcome by dread. i was about a quarter of the way down the road when i suddenly had this overwhelming feeling of the presence of god. it was like my heart sank - not in a bad way - but it was that kind of feeling. i felt his presence pressing into every bone in my body. in that moment i felt the lord whisper that we should adopt. and not just one child. all three of the children we want. for a few minutes i just sat in my car kind of stunned. i wasn't quite sure what to do with that. a little later i texted my sister and told her what happened. she knew it was my desire to adopt, and we both felt like this was the lord's confirmation of that desire.

flash forward to last thursday. i was at a women's ministry event at my church. sweet robin jeffers (who just so happens to be family and the mother of two adorable sons who are adopted) walked up to me, and we started chatting. randomly, she told me that she had been thinking about me that morning. she said that for whatever reason she began to think about kenny and me adopting a baby. i immediately thought that she must have heard that we were actually planning to. when i asked, "so you've heard our news?" she replied that she didn't know what i was talking about. i excitedly told her that we had just made the decision to adopt. we were both speechless! talk about the holy spirit moving! the lord strategically placed her in my life to give me that sweet moment of affirmation. that same night i sat down at my table and began chatting with the other ladies sitting with me. when our adoption came up, the woman to my left spoke up and told me that she had been adopted! what are the odds?! i am thankful for god's goodness through confirmation. it's so good for my heart.

hurry up, november 7! we are so ready to get this show on the road!

in the meantime

first, let me say that the response to our adoption news has been nothing short of overwhelming in the most wonderful way possible. i had NO idea that so many people would jump on board with us. of course, i should not be surprised. we are blessed beyond to measure to be loved well by SO many incredible people. thank you, thank you, thank you for the calls, texts, emails, facebook messages and comments! you have truly multiplied our joy, and we love sharing this journey with you!

for those of you who have not heard, we were accepted to the november 7 meeting! this is sure to be one of many amazing "god moments" throughout the next few months. thank you for interceding on our behalf! we are relieved that we will have orientation complete in the next few weeks. at orientation, we will receive our formal application. this is the "monster" of paperwork that includes everything from our pets' immunization records to our proof of insurance. i am NERVOUS. once we complete our application, which i'm told could take us a month or so, we will wait to hear about our home study schedule. the home study will consist of three separate meetings: one with just me; one with just kenny; and one with us together. basically we're doing all of this work, opening up our hearts and families and lives and home, for someone to decide if we're going to become parents or not. we can be approved or denied. after all of this work over the next several months, they could still tell us no. we would be heartbroken.

here's what we hope happens: we go to orientation on november 7. we complete our application by mid-december. our home study is complete by the end of january, and we are considered a "waiting family" - meaning we could get the call any time!

so what are we doing in the meantime?

well, i've gone baby crazy. seriously. i cannot stop myself from stalking every baby related item on every website known to mankind. i'm trying to keep myself in check, but honestly, it's just so much fun! i have to actively make my brain and my emotions just stop sometimes. i have to stop and remind myself that i am not running this show. it. is. so. hard. that said, i am beginning to piece together our nursery. i don't want to be overly prepared before it's necessary, because i'm not sure how wise that is. but at the same time, i want to have enough that if we got the call sooner rather than later, we are prepared. there's a fine line between praying expectantly and being hopeful and at the same time remaining poised and sober-minded. kenny doesn't care much for decorating, so my mom and i are having a ball looking at patterns and colors and cribs and all of those fun things. i know kenny will be interested in choosing the car seat. he is a safety nut. he'll want something with 22 straps, locks, buckles, bungee cords, padding, etc. he's gonna be a good daddy!

we are also starting the process of getting funds in order. yall. adoption is expensive. phew. this is going to be a HUGE financial commitment, but we are trusting that the lord will provide everything we need down to the last penny. please be in prayer for us as we make plans and preparations with our finances.

i would love to put together a group of prayer warriors - just a group of people that we can really count on to faithfully walk with us in prayer. i want to be able to send out a quick email or message to those of you who would be kind enough to cover that need in prayer. if you're interested, just shoot me a message!

we are so humbled by so much love. here's how you can be praying:

• finances to come together
• approval - that everything would go smoothly, and we would be approved to be a waiting family
• nerves/emotions/sanity!!

xoxo.