"kind words are like honey: sweet to the soul and healthy for the body."
-proverbs 16:24
i've been going to curriculum training every few weeks since september. the trainer for the class, betsy, is a wonderfully ecentric lady in her 60's. she's earthy and organic and kind and adventurous. over the past nine months, betsy has heard me talk about various disasters that have sprung up in my life - mostly house related. yesterday we were talking about labeling people, and she asked us to share a label we had been given. i quickly told my peers that my family often called me "an accident waiting to happen" or "mayhem."
last night my heart broke a little when an exciting and encouraging relationship came to a close. i felt discouraged, sad, undesirable, and unbeautiful. this afternoon as betsy was wrapping up our training, she gave me a strong hug and whispered this in my ear (she had not done this to another soul in my class):
"i don't think you're a disaster waiting to happen. i think you are a strong, creative woman who can survive anything."
i don't know if betsy is a believer or not, but her words were so perfectly timed and so genuinely spoken that my eyes welled up with big tears and i could barely muster a "thank you." her words were not magic; they weren't eloquent; and she had no idea how desperately i needed to hear them. but jesus knew, and he used them to speak to the ache in my heart.
somebody asked me one time if i ever felt like there was a black cloud hanging over my head, because i face a lot more challenges than the average person. something is always going on - my house floods, my garbage disposal explodes, my washing machine stops working, my furnace quits in december. i can't keep a cell phone working, my debit card is always lost, and the most random things go wrong with my vehicle. and let's not even talk about relationship disasters. i just can't seem to have any luck in that arena. it's so easy - so, so easy - for me to look around and compare my life to others'. and, as you can imagine, it's so, so easy for me to feel like such a mess. satan so quickly attacks my heart when i allow myself to exchange god's truth for his lies.
the truth is this: i was created in my heavenly father's image. i was creatively and thoughtfully designed - every freckle put in place, my cowlick carefully considered, my crooked nose gently formed. on purpose. god made me the way i am on purpose. the misadventures and frustrations and challenges that i encounter on a very regular basis teach me so many things. i've learned to really believe and rejoice that i am not in control. i've learned to be flexible and not freak out about little things. i have learned that things can always be worse. always. i've learned that my life exists to glorify god, not to chauffeur me safely and smoothly to the end of a happy and easy life.
as i press on, i keep replaying cs lewis' words in my head: "there are far better things ahead than any we leave behind." anything that must be left in the past is only a promise that something greater lies ahead of us. the lord promises good to me. i'm gonna trust him - even when it's hard.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
i know i am not...
but i know I AM.
if i have learned anything over the last few months it's that i am insufficient. there is really nothing that i am capable of doing on my own.
i cannot show grace.
i cannot love well.
i cannot trust Jesus.
i cannot forgive others.
i cannot ask for forgiveness.
i cannot walk by faith.
i cannot save my soul.
i cannot make myself righteous.
i cannot be faithful, consistent or dilligent.
i cannot speak kind words seasoned with grace.
i cannot give myself joy.
i cannot heal my hurt.
i cannot show patience.
i cannot. i cannot. i cannot.
kinda discouraging when you first think about it. but today i found, for the first time in a while - or maybe the first time ever - such sweet, sweet relief in the truth that my life is not dependent on me. my life is dependent on Jesus Christ for everything. EVERYthing.
two situations have had me kind of worked up today. one is relational and the other is a potential life-changing decision that i will have to make. the relational situation is simply a matter of me trying desperately to avoid being hurt. the life-changing decision is a matter of me striving to figure out how to deny myself and honor Christ, but do something that i'm happy with. the beauty of both of these separate situations is this: i don't know what's going to happen. but i know the One who has orchestrated my life so beautifully - through pain and joy, ups and downs, fears and failures, disappointments and victories - for twenty-five years. i know He is good and faithful. i know if i am hurt, that He will heal my hurt, restore my heart, and bring something even better into my life. i know that if i make a decision with the motive of His glory, He will bless it in His sovereignty and trust that He is capable of redirecting my path in the future.
Jesus is sufficient for me. He is all i need. He is all i want. He is my exceedingly great reward - the horn of my salvation - my rock and my Redeemer - my portion - my inheritance - my promise - my hope. He is more than enough.
i am not. but i know I AM. and i can throw my heart and my fears and my worries and my hurts and my desires upon that truth. i can rest in the fact that my desperation is met by His desire and promise to be my All in All.
if i have learned anything over the last few months it's that i am insufficient. there is really nothing that i am capable of doing on my own.
i cannot show grace.
i cannot love well.
i cannot trust Jesus.
i cannot forgive others.
i cannot ask for forgiveness.
i cannot walk by faith.
i cannot save my soul.
i cannot make myself righteous.
i cannot be faithful, consistent or dilligent.
i cannot speak kind words seasoned with grace.
i cannot give myself joy.
i cannot heal my hurt.
i cannot show patience.
i cannot. i cannot. i cannot.
kinda discouraging when you first think about it. but today i found, for the first time in a while - or maybe the first time ever - such sweet, sweet relief in the truth that my life is not dependent on me. my life is dependent on Jesus Christ for everything. EVERYthing.
two situations have had me kind of worked up today. one is relational and the other is a potential life-changing decision that i will have to make. the relational situation is simply a matter of me trying desperately to avoid being hurt. the life-changing decision is a matter of me striving to figure out how to deny myself and honor Christ, but do something that i'm happy with. the beauty of both of these separate situations is this: i don't know what's going to happen. but i know the One who has orchestrated my life so beautifully - through pain and joy, ups and downs, fears and failures, disappointments and victories - for twenty-five years. i know He is good and faithful. i know if i am hurt, that He will heal my hurt, restore my heart, and bring something even better into my life. i know that if i make a decision with the motive of His glory, He will bless it in His sovereignty and trust that He is capable of redirecting my path in the future.
Jesus is sufficient for me. He is all i need. He is all i want. He is my exceedingly great reward - the horn of my salvation - my rock and my Redeemer - my portion - my inheritance - my promise - my hope. He is more than enough.
i am not. but i know I AM. and i can throw my heart and my fears and my worries and my hurts and my desires upon that truth. i can rest in the fact that my desperation is met by His desire and promise to be my All in All.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
holy week
i love the holiday season. if you didn't know, my holiday season kicks off on my birthday (june 26th) and ends with new year's day. even trumping my birthday in excitement and pure joy is christmas eve. it's my favorite day of the year. however, over the past couple of years this holy week - the week between palm sunday and easter sunday - has taken precedence. why? because this is the week that my faith hinges on.
i've started a tradition where each year i start with the story of jesus' "triumphal entry" into jerusalem in the gospels, and each day i read through a portion of the story, ending with the resurrection on easter sunday. i want to know this story. i want to be so sobered by this story - partcularly this week - that it is as though i am walking the streets of jerusalem with christ.
one thought specifically has weighed heavy on my heart this week: what must jesus have felt as he entered jerusalem on that sunday? he had left his home only a few years before to begin his ministry. he left everything he knew. he spent three years on the road, running from pharisees who wanted him dead, preaching and teaching, and, in general, stirring up a revolution. but this was THE week. this was the week that his very life was destined for. this was why he had come. what heaviness must have crushed his human shoulders - to know that in four short days he would share a precious, intimate passover meal with is beloved disciples, where he would explain to them yet again what was about to transpire - and yet again they wouldn't understand; a few hours later he'd be betrayed by a man he loved and handed over to jewish authorities; shortly after that he'd be beaten within an inch of his life - beaten to the point that his own mother would barely know him - flesh ripped and hanging from his back, eyes swollen shut, blood pouring from thorn pricks on his forehead, his body screaming in pain he had only imagined; a bit later laboring through dirty, dusty, crowded streets bearing the weight of a roman cross, sharp with splinters, on his raw back; and finally, stakes would be driven through his wrists and feet, he would be hung from a cross, nails tearing through muscles and tendons, veins and flesh, and a sword would split his side. his life would rush out. and friends, though the physical pain was immense, it was no match for the spiritual agony christ faced. in that moment he would become our sin - my sin and your sin. he would literally be our sin. his father, with whom he had enjoyed eternal intimacy and perfect fellowship, would reject him - would turn his face away, because he could not look on sin. jesus would be separated from his father for the first (and only) time. he would bear the entire wrath of god. for me. and for you, sweet friend. and hallelujah, on that glorious easter morning, he would draw a breath and raise up from the dead! he would claim the keys of death forever! he would take hold of victory for me!
i can't imagine what he must have felt during the days of that sacred week 2,000 years ago. the love of christ surpasses anything i can possibly fathom in my puny little pea-brain. a love that would know what was coming on that thursday, and endure it anyway, with willingness and humility and forgiveness - even for a sinner like me - wretched, filthy, wandering, and unfaithul.
i am so thankful, and i am so unworthy of the love of christ demonstrated on the cross.
i've started a tradition where each year i start with the story of jesus' "triumphal entry" into jerusalem in the gospels, and each day i read through a portion of the story, ending with the resurrection on easter sunday. i want to know this story. i want to be so sobered by this story - partcularly this week - that it is as though i am walking the streets of jerusalem with christ.
one thought specifically has weighed heavy on my heart this week: what must jesus have felt as he entered jerusalem on that sunday? he had left his home only a few years before to begin his ministry. he left everything he knew. he spent three years on the road, running from pharisees who wanted him dead, preaching and teaching, and, in general, stirring up a revolution. but this was THE week. this was the week that his very life was destined for. this was why he had come. what heaviness must have crushed his human shoulders - to know that in four short days he would share a precious, intimate passover meal with is beloved disciples, where he would explain to them yet again what was about to transpire - and yet again they wouldn't understand; a few hours later he'd be betrayed by a man he loved and handed over to jewish authorities; shortly after that he'd be beaten within an inch of his life - beaten to the point that his own mother would barely know him - flesh ripped and hanging from his back, eyes swollen shut, blood pouring from thorn pricks on his forehead, his body screaming in pain he had only imagined; a bit later laboring through dirty, dusty, crowded streets bearing the weight of a roman cross, sharp with splinters, on his raw back; and finally, stakes would be driven through his wrists and feet, he would be hung from a cross, nails tearing through muscles and tendons, veins and flesh, and a sword would split his side. his life would rush out. and friends, though the physical pain was immense, it was no match for the spiritual agony christ faced. in that moment he would become our sin - my sin and your sin. he would literally be our sin. his father, with whom he had enjoyed eternal intimacy and perfect fellowship, would reject him - would turn his face away, because he could not look on sin. jesus would be separated from his father for the first (and only) time. he would bear the entire wrath of god. for me. and for you, sweet friend. and hallelujah, on that glorious easter morning, he would draw a breath and raise up from the dead! he would claim the keys of death forever! he would take hold of victory for me!
i can't imagine what he must have felt during the days of that sacred week 2,000 years ago. the love of christ surpasses anything i can possibly fathom in my puny little pea-brain. a love that would know what was coming on that thursday, and endure it anyway, with willingness and humility and forgiveness - even for a sinner like me - wretched, filthy, wandering, and unfaithul.
i am so thankful, and i am so unworthy of the love of christ demonstrated on the cross.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
defeat
i feel defeated today. discouraged. exhausted. frustrated. and totally robbed of any and all joy. there are so many things contributing to my current mood, most of which are inappropriate to share - even on my blog where i usually say whatever i want.
i'm feeling impatient with a couple of current situations. i'm angry about some stuff; confused about some stuff. i'm fed-up with some things. i'm afflicted by my disgusting, sinful heart. i'm anxious about money and finances. i'm dreading my roommate moving out and having to adjust to living alone again. i was so full of joy yesterday, so excited about my life, and today i am totally bogged down by the world. satan so loves to steal my joy.
i'm kind of at the end of my rope. no, not kind of. i am at the end of my rope. what i refuse to do, though, is to wallow around in this earthly muck. cs lewis said, "aim for heaven, and you will get earth thrown in. aim for earth, and you will get neither." colossians teaches us to "set our minds on things above, not on things of this earth." my heart and mind must be intently focused on jesus christ. when people and situations and circumstances change constantly, as they often do, jesus is my constant, my true north.
tonight i took my bible and my journal outside and just sat. i curled up in one of my patio chairs, closed my eyes, and breathed deeply of christ. i poured out my heart to him. i cried with him. i clung to his every word and encouragement and gentle correction. do i feel magically all better? nope. but i did have my heart refocused on the assurance i have in jesus christ. he is my comforter. he is my provider. he is the lover of my soul. he is my avenger. he brings all things to light. he is my peace, my portion and my exceedingly great reward. he is my horn of salvation. he is my all-sufficient savior. he is my life source. he is my joy. he is my sanity and clarity when everything else has gone mad.
i'm feeling impatient with a couple of current situations. i'm angry about some stuff; confused about some stuff. i'm fed-up with some things. i'm afflicted by my disgusting, sinful heart. i'm anxious about money and finances. i'm dreading my roommate moving out and having to adjust to living alone again. i was so full of joy yesterday, so excited about my life, and today i am totally bogged down by the world. satan so loves to steal my joy.
i'm kind of at the end of my rope. no, not kind of. i am at the end of my rope. what i refuse to do, though, is to wallow around in this earthly muck. cs lewis said, "aim for heaven, and you will get earth thrown in. aim for earth, and you will get neither." colossians teaches us to "set our minds on things above, not on things of this earth." my heart and mind must be intently focused on jesus christ. when people and situations and circumstances change constantly, as they often do, jesus is my constant, my true north.
tonight i took my bible and my journal outside and just sat. i curled up in one of my patio chairs, closed my eyes, and breathed deeply of christ. i poured out my heart to him. i cried with him. i clung to his every word and encouragement and gentle correction. do i feel magically all better? nope. but i did have my heart refocused on the assurance i have in jesus christ. he is my comforter. he is my provider. he is the lover of my soul. he is my avenger. he brings all things to light. he is my peace, my portion and my exceedingly great reward. he is my horn of salvation. he is my all-sufficient savior. he is my life source. he is my joy. he is my sanity and clarity when everything else has gone mad.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
my king has crushed the curse of death
o praise him, hallelujah
my delight and my reward
everlasting, never failing
my redeemer, my god
i'll set my gaze on god alone
and trust in him completely
with every day pour out my soul
and he will prove his mercy
though life is but a fleeting breath
a sigh too brief to measure
my king has crushed the curse of death
and i am his forever
"psalm 62" by aaron keyes
so many potential blog topics for this evening. where shall i begin? as easter approaches (quickily, i might add; how is april half way over??), i am so stricken by the words "my king has crushed the curse of death." my faith is contingent on this truth. christ crushed the curse of death. he crushed it by resurrecting from the dead. he could only have been resurrected if he was once dead. he could only have died if he was once alive. because he was alive, did die, did resurrect - he is STILL alive! friends, jesus christ is exactly who he said he was. he is god's own son - god himself - who was born of the virgin mary, lived a righteous life on this earth, was fully god and fully man, went willingly and obediently to the cross, became our sin, died, on that glorious sunday was raised victoriously from the grave, now sits at the right hand of god almighty in heaven and will return for me one day because i have been made one with him in his death and in his resurrection and my soul has been bought back from the grave. hallelujah! i know i can celebrate this truth every day of my life, but there is something so powerful about waking up on easter morning and rejoicing in the victory of my savior.
today i have the overwhelming feeling of being excited about my life. i'm always grateful for the lord's work in my life and anxious to see where he's leading me - but i mean that just as i said it: anxious. i don't feel anxious today. i feel a deep sense of joy and excitement and desire for the plans i'm watching unfold around me. i had a most ridiculous thought today, too. it was an idea - a dream for my future - that would just be insanely and unbelievably incredible and beyond anything i could ask for. and i'm asking for it. stay tuned...
my delight and my reward
everlasting, never failing
my redeemer, my god
i'll set my gaze on god alone
and trust in him completely
with every day pour out my soul
and he will prove his mercy
though life is but a fleeting breath
a sigh too brief to measure
my king has crushed the curse of death
and i am his forever
"psalm 62" by aaron keyes
so many potential blog topics for this evening. where shall i begin? as easter approaches (quickily, i might add; how is april half way over??), i am so stricken by the words "my king has crushed the curse of death." my faith is contingent on this truth. christ crushed the curse of death. he crushed it by resurrecting from the dead. he could only have been resurrected if he was once dead. he could only have died if he was once alive. because he was alive, did die, did resurrect - he is STILL alive! friends, jesus christ is exactly who he said he was. he is god's own son - god himself - who was born of the virgin mary, lived a righteous life on this earth, was fully god and fully man, went willingly and obediently to the cross, became our sin, died, on that glorious sunday was raised victoriously from the grave, now sits at the right hand of god almighty in heaven and will return for me one day because i have been made one with him in his death and in his resurrection and my soul has been bought back from the grave. hallelujah! i know i can celebrate this truth every day of my life, but there is something so powerful about waking up on easter morning and rejoicing in the victory of my savior.
today i have the overwhelming feeling of being excited about my life. i'm always grateful for the lord's work in my life and anxious to see where he's leading me - but i mean that just as i said it: anxious. i don't feel anxious today. i feel a deep sense of joy and excitement and desire for the plans i'm watching unfold around me. i had a most ridiculous thought today, too. it was an idea - a dream for my future - that would just be insanely and unbelievably incredible and beyond anything i could ask for. and i'm asking for it. stay tuned...
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