but instead, i am finally updating my blog.
let me say first and foremost that this makes TWO, that's right - TWO, posts in one month! i'm getting better!
secondly, let me give a big WELCOME BACK to fall! i went to publix yesterday and discovered that my very favorite cinnamon brooms are back! cinnamon brooms are just that - brooms that are scented with cinnamon that make the entire house smell heavenly and warm and cozy. i am so excited for the season to change. i love cold, clear fall nights. i love jeans and boots. i love scarves. i love crisp, orange leaves. i love seeing my breath in the air. i love football and pumpkins and halloween and thanksgiving. fall makes me nostalgic for some reason. it makes me want to be in love.
what is new in my life? wellll, last week i had a stomach virus and a sinus infection. wow. such misery. on thursday, after being sick for several days, my mom met elizabeth in clinton to pick me up and take me to camden. i think part of my misery can be attributed to the fact that i was alone. i don't like be alone on a normal evening, but much less one where i feel like death. thank goodness for my sweet mama who took good care of me.
now that i'm healthy again, i'm back at work. this week i'm in training from 8:30 - 3:00 for my new curriculum. today was only day one, but it was successful. after being out all of last week and missing all of this week, i am definitely starting to miss my kids! i can't wait to get back to them next week!
as i was getting ready to start this new post, i read back over what i wrote last time. how funny. i remember writing that and my heart aching so deeply. today as i write, i can tell you that that burden has finally been lifted, and i am experiencing peace i haven't known in months. jesus is more faithful than i could ever ask him to be.
it's 7:00, and i have no plans tonight. something i try to avoid. however, i am looking around at a house that desperately needs to be cleaned from top to bottom. better get to work!
Monday, September 27, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
so little time
it pains me to think that i once blogged once or twice a day, and now i barely have (or make) time to blog once a month. where shall i begin this post?
school is going wonderfully. i adore my sweet multi-aged kindergarteners, but they certainly try my patience. i often catch myself losing it with them, and feel the holy spirit saying, "stop, ashley. stop and think about how you're talking to them. remember how patient i am with you." i often fail to show them the same grace that jesus has so faithfully shown me for nearly 25 years. there are so many lessons to learn from my snotty-nosed, dirty-handed, whiney preschoolers. i think the most difficult lesson i'm learning through them is the "i know best" lesson. so many times i watch my kids make bad choices (this is the PC way to say "you did something stupid" in kindergarten). a child pushes another child, and then receives a blow to the face in retaliation. a child climbs on top of the play house outside, and then falls and busts his lip open. a child continues to talk back, and then i call his mom and he gets a spanking. when i tell my kids not to do something, when i don't give them what they want - it's because i have their best interest at heart. usually these situations end in a child screaming and crying, flailing around, kicking and pounding fists on the floor. though it breaks my heart to watch them fight me, hurt themselves in the process, and fail to trust that i do love them and want to protect them, i know that my age and wisdom and experience make me far more able to make wise decisions on their behalf. even as i type this and consider these things, i feel jesus pressing into my heart that the same is true for the "no's" and "don't do thats" he gives me.
he is pressing this into my heart, because i am currently wrestling with him. battling with him. fighting him - resisting him - call it what you want. i don't want what he wants. i want what i want. actually, i don't know exactly what he wants, but i do know what i want, and i'd rather have it and have it now that wait around for something that he thinks is better for me. i know that sounds totally un-godly. but this blog is the place that i try to be most transparent, so so-be-it. anyway. i've tried praying a million different ways to weasel what i want out of him. i'm trying to negotiate and bargain and trick god into just giving in. at this point, i can honestly say that i'd rather have the thing i want than anything else. i'd give up a lot of other things to have it. i don't care about what might be coming in just a few days, weeks, months, or years. don't care. i want what i want; i want it desperately, and i want it now. i know that's a wrong attitude, but fortunately, jesus has so graciously and patiently listened to my heart scream out to him about this. he has faithfully lent his ear to my begging and pleading and crying (and i have cried many tears for this). he has been the healing balm to my hurting heart time and time again as i struggle to give up this desire. and i fear that he will have to continue doing this for a while. but that's okay. i don't think my desire will change. what i hope he will change, though, is the attitude of my heart. i hope that he will help my heart get to the place where i let go. i let go, and i tell him that i still want what i want, but that i trust him enough to believe that his way is best (even though i don't like it). it's frustrating sometimes, because there seem to be a thousand things that point to thing i want. it makes the forgetting it and letting it go a bit harder, because i'm the kind of girl who likes to believe in "signs." what i'm also trying to remember, though, is that 1. my heart is deceitful, and 2. "our cold and ruthless enemy, his pleasure is our harm." as jesus delights in blessing me, satan delights in causing me pain - and he will do it any way he can. this is something i need to remember - that satan delights in causing me pain.
so that's the current "situation" (credit: jersey shore) in my life. my heart is breaking and being shaped and purified and experiencing new depths of longing and loneliness and fear. at the same time, though, there is a sweetness in finding that jesus is my all sufficient father. i have found zero comfort in anyone else (don't get me wrong, though, i so appreciate their sweet words and kind encouragement). what i've realized is that over this past year of my life, my heart has done more breaking and hurting and gone through more purifying than it has in about 3 years. painful? yes. encouraging and exciting? yes. oh, the irony.
this song has been playing on repeat on itunes and in my head and heart. the words perfectly describe where i'm at. it's called "breathe again" by sara bareilles.
car is parked
bags are packed
but what kind of heart doesn't look back
at the comfortable glow coming from the porch i will still call your's
all those words came undone
and now i'm the only one
facing the ghosts that decide if the fire inside still burns
all i have, all i need
he's the air i would kill to breathe
holds my love in his hands
still i'm searching for something
out of breath, i am left
hoping someday i'll breathe again
open up, next to you
and my secrets become your truth
and the distance between that was sheltering me comes in full view
hang my head, break my heart
built from all i have torn apart
and my burden to bear is a love i can no longer carry
it hurts to be here
i only wanted love from you
it hurts to be here
what am i gonna do?
school is going wonderfully. i adore my sweet multi-aged kindergarteners, but they certainly try my patience. i often catch myself losing it with them, and feel the holy spirit saying, "stop, ashley. stop and think about how you're talking to them. remember how patient i am with you." i often fail to show them the same grace that jesus has so faithfully shown me for nearly 25 years. there are so many lessons to learn from my snotty-nosed, dirty-handed, whiney preschoolers. i think the most difficult lesson i'm learning through them is the "i know best" lesson. so many times i watch my kids make bad choices (this is the PC way to say "you did something stupid" in kindergarten). a child pushes another child, and then receives a blow to the face in retaliation. a child climbs on top of the play house outside, and then falls and busts his lip open. a child continues to talk back, and then i call his mom and he gets a spanking. when i tell my kids not to do something, when i don't give them what they want - it's because i have their best interest at heart. usually these situations end in a child screaming and crying, flailing around, kicking and pounding fists on the floor. though it breaks my heart to watch them fight me, hurt themselves in the process, and fail to trust that i do love them and want to protect them, i know that my age and wisdom and experience make me far more able to make wise decisions on their behalf. even as i type this and consider these things, i feel jesus pressing into my heart that the same is true for the "no's" and "don't do thats" he gives me.
he is pressing this into my heart, because i am currently wrestling with him. battling with him. fighting him - resisting him - call it what you want. i don't want what he wants. i want what i want. actually, i don't know exactly what he wants, but i do know what i want, and i'd rather have it and have it now that wait around for something that he thinks is better for me. i know that sounds totally un-godly. but this blog is the place that i try to be most transparent, so so-be-it. anyway. i've tried praying a million different ways to weasel what i want out of him. i'm trying to negotiate and bargain and trick god into just giving in. at this point, i can honestly say that i'd rather have the thing i want than anything else. i'd give up a lot of other things to have it. i don't care about what might be coming in just a few days, weeks, months, or years. don't care. i want what i want; i want it desperately, and i want it now. i know that's a wrong attitude, but fortunately, jesus has so graciously and patiently listened to my heart scream out to him about this. he has faithfully lent his ear to my begging and pleading and crying (and i have cried many tears for this). he has been the healing balm to my hurting heart time and time again as i struggle to give up this desire. and i fear that he will have to continue doing this for a while. but that's okay. i don't think my desire will change. what i hope he will change, though, is the attitude of my heart. i hope that he will help my heart get to the place where i let go. i let go, and i tell him that i still want what i want, but that i trust him enough to believe that his way is best (even though i don't like it). it's frustrating sometimes, because there seem to be a thousand things that point to thing i want. it makes the forgetting it and letting it go a bit harder, because i'm the kind of girl who likes to believe in "signs." what i'm also trying to remember, though, is that 1. my heart is deceitful, and 2. "our cold and ruthless enemy, his pleasure is our harm." as jesus delights in blessing me, satan delights in causing me pain - and he will do it any way he can. this is something i need to remember - that satan delights in causing me pain.
so that's the current "situation" (credit: jersey shore) in my life. my heart is breaking and being shaped and purified and experiencing new depths of longing and loneliness and fear. at the same time, though, there is a sweetness in finding that jesus is my all sufficient father. i have found zero comfort in anyone else (don't get me wrong, though, i so appreciate their sweet words and kind encouragement). what i've realized is that over this past year of my life, my heart has done more breaking and hurting and gone through more purifying than it has in about 3 years. painful? yes. encouraging and exciting? yes. oh, the irony.
this song has been playing on repeat on itunes and in my head and heart. the words perfectly describe where i'm at. it's called "breathe again" by sara bareilles.
car is parked
bags are packed
but what kind of heart doesn't look back
at the comfortable glow coming from the porch i will still call your's
all those words came undone
and now i'm the only one
facing the ghosts that decide if the fire inside still burns
all i have, all i need
he's the air i would kill to breathe
holds my love in his hands
still i'm searching for something
out of breath, i am left
hoping someday i'll breathe again
open up, next to you
and my secrets become your truth
and the distance between that was sheltering me comes in full view
hang my head, break my heart
built from all i have torn apart
and my burden to bear is a love i can no longer carry
it hurts to be here
i only wanted love from you
it hurts to be here
what am i gonna do?
Monday, August 30, 2010
my problem is you make me melt...
and i don't want to be frozen anymore. (incubus)
i used to scoff at people who had blogs and promised to update them daily, because i had a desk job that made it easy for me to facebook, tweet, and blog frequently throughout my 8 hour work day. now that i'm teaching 18 four-year-olds every day and making home visits in the afternoons and doing accountability and small group and supper club and serving on the special events committee for the greenville humane society and going to the dog park, there is really no time for my dear blog. i've made it my goal, though, to work really hard at updating more regularly, if for no one else but myself. i don't pretend to think i have some huge following, but writing is so therapeutic for me. i'm good with the written word. if i think about it long enough, i can form a sentence that comes pretty close to describing what i want to convey. that's a good thing when you find yourself in the midst of some pretty confusing life situations. so. here we go. this is what i've learned over the past little while:
junior year: heartbreak beyond all heartbreak. senior year through october 2009: avoid all emotional involvement, stay guarded, keep heart in safe mode. october 2009: meet someone and dare i say fall in love? april 2010: end relationship. april - july: beg for second chance. last weekend of july: realize that it's time for this to end for good. august: moving forward. that's the timeline of my life over the past several years. i tell you that to reveal something about myself: i am needy.
i hate to admit that about myself. i mean, i really, REALLY hate to admit that. and for the past few months i've done a really great job of convincing myself that that's not really the problem. however, jesus is persistent, and i've finally come to accept it. i have never had what i'd call a "good" relationship. i've always been hurt. i don't blame anybody for that, it's just the way it is, and i'm in no way saying i've never hurt anybody. the past year of my life makes it pretty clear that i do my fair share of hurting. what has happened to me, though, is that instead of finding my value and worth in jesus, i've been searching to find it in another person. i'm a pretty self-confident woman, but i so desire affirmation in the form of a romantic relationship. i'm 100% social 100% of the time, and loneliness is a really raw place in my heart right now. in the last relationship i was in, i was having my selfish desires met: attention, company, intimacy (don't take that the wrong way, i simply mean closeness), feeling wanted and needed, feeling beautiful. don't get me wrong. i wasn't in the relationship soley for myself: i had (and continue to have) very strong feelings for the person i was in the relationship with. however, instead of facing the fact that i was trying to have someone else meet needs that only christ can meet (and then becoming frustrated and disappointed when he failed to meet them all the time), i poured more and more of myself out. i lost myself in this unhealthy relationship - not unhealthy because of him, unhealthy because it wasn't healing me; in fact, it was making me more "sick."
i absolutely hate having to admit these hard truths to myself. i don't like seeing areas of weakness, and i don't like confessing that there are places in my life that i struggle with and wounds in my heart that are very fresh and very open. i miss this relationship, because it was fulfilling desires, meeting needs. but it wasn't really. it was leaving me even more drained and empty. i want to run back to it. in fact, i'd be lying if i said i didn't pray for it to be reconciled. but i know, i KNOW, that right now, i need to work on me. well, i need to let jesus work on me. i need to let him continue to expose these places in my heart and life that need more of him. i need to rejoice in the fact that he's showing me these raw places so that i can experience true and lasting healing. i need to remember that i can drink from the fountain of life and be thirsty no more. i don't need to seek out another person to try to meet my needs. i need to have my deepest longings satisfied by the one who put those longings in my heart.
i used to scoff at people who had blogs and promised to update them daily, because i had a desk job that made it easy for me to facebook, tweet, and blog frequently throughout my 8 hour work day. now that i'm teaching 18 four-year-olds every day and making home visits in the afternoons and doing accountability and small group and supper club and serving on the special events committee for the greenville humane society and going to the dog park, there is really no time for my dear blog. i've made it my goal, though, to work really hard at updating more regularly, if for no one else but myself. i don't pretend to think i have some huge following, but writing is so therapeutic for me. i'm good with the written word. if i think about it long enough, i can form a sentence that comes pretty close to describing what i want to convey. that's a good thing when you find yourself in the midst of some pretty confusing life situations. so. here we go. this is what i've learned over the past little while:
junior year: heartbreak beyond all heartbreak. senior year through october 2009: avoid all emotional involvement, stay guarded, keep heart in safe mode. october 2009: meet someone and dare i say fall in love? april 2010: end relationship. april - july: beg for second chance. last weekend of july: realize that it's time for this to end for good. august: moving forward. that's the timeline of my life over the past several years. i tell you that to reveal something about myself: i am needy.
i hate to admit that about myself. i mean, i really, REALLY hate to admit that. and for the past few months i've done a really great job of convincing myself that that's not really the problem. however, jesus is persistent, and i've finally come to accept it. i have never had what i'd call a "good" relationship. i've always been hurt. i don't blame anybody for that, it's just the way it is, and i'm in no way saying i've never hurt anybody. the past year of my life makes it pretty clear that i do my fair share of hurting. what has happened to me, though, is that instead of finding my value and worth in jesus, i've been searching to find it in another person. i'm a pretty self-confident woman, but i so desire affirmation in the form of a romantic relationship. i'm 100% social 100% of the time, and loneliness is a really raw place in my heart right now. in the last relationship i was in, i was having my selfish desires met: attention, company, intimacy (don't take that the wrong way, i simply mean closeness), feeling wanted and needed, feeling beautiful. don't get me wrong. i wasn't in the relationship soley for myself: i had (and continue to have) very strong feelings for the person i was in the relationship with. however, instead of facing the fact that i was trying to have someone else meet needs that only christ can meet (and then becoming frustrated and disappointed when he failed to meet them all the time), i poured more and more of myself out. i lost myself in this unhealthy relationship - not unhealthy because of him, unhealthy because it wasn't healing me; in fact, it was making me more "sick."
i absolutely hate having to admit these hard truths to myself. i don't like seeing areas of weakness, and i don't like confessing that there are places in my life that i struggle with and wounds in my heart that are very fresh and very open. i miss this relationship, because it was fulfilling desires, meeting needs. but it wasn't really. it was leaving me even more drained and empty. i want to run back to it. in fact, i'd be lying if i said i didn't pray for it to be reconciled. but i know, i KNOW, that right now, i need to work on me. well, i need to let jesus work on me. i need to let him continue to expose these places in my heart and life that need more of him. i need to rejoice in the fact that he's showing me these raw places so that i can experience true and lasting healing. i need to remember that i can drink from the fountain of life and be thirsty no more. i don't need to seek out another person to try to meet my needs. i need to have my deepest longings satisfied by the one who put those longings in my heart.
Friday, August 13, 2010
massive life update
can it really have been nearly a month since i last updated my precious blog?? indeed, it has been. it's been an insanely busy three weeks in the life of ashley gardner, but i'm excited about where the past twenty-one days have brought me. i'm going to try to update you, sparing you mindless details, but filling you in on important lessons, events, and thoughts.
i left united way and started my new job on july 26th. i haven't blogged in such a long time that i can't remember if i already explained my new job or not. i was hired by the ymca of greenville (specifically, the judson community center) to be the lead 4K teacher/director of curriculum and home visits. what a blessing it's been already! i have loved (almost) every second of it. i'm walking through some unchartered territory here, learning things about my students that break my heart, and experiencing the unconditional love of a child every day. i don't even know where to begin to explain the lessons i have already learned - and i've only been at it for fifteen days. i love my kids. LOVE them. they are precious and resilient and beautiful and spirited and have wonderfully unique personalities. i feel incredibly blessed and priveledged to spend ten hours a day with them. it's interesting, because there are times when i feel myself totally in the moment with them: smiling, laughing, and loving on them with every ounce of myself - giving them every ounce of myself. then there are moments when i am tired and impatient and frustrated and at the end of my rope, and i hear myself talking to my sweet preschoolers in ways that make me cringe to recall. the thing is, they never stop loving me or thinking that i'm great or hugging on me or fighting to sit in my lap. they love me, just because i'm miss ashley. it really is a beautiful picture of how jesus loves me - just because i'm ashley and not because of what i do or what i say or how i act. praise jesus for that. i say all that to say: i love my job. i adore my babies. i leave each day feeling exhausted - physically, emotionally, and mentally. i am giving more of myself than i knew i had in me. and i love it. that's not to say that the first week didn't find me in tears a few times, feeling worn out, overwhelmed, and unsure of the huge life change i had made in switching jobs. three weeks later finds me a happy girl!
i finally came to the end of a long journey. a ten month long journey, to be exact. the past ten months have been confusing and frustrating and draining and at the same time, there have been moments of absolute bliss and contentment and joy. finally, after an especially trying four months, the trip - roller coaster - whatever you want to call it - is finished. what's funny is that closing the door was hard. it was brutal. it was sad and dramatic and ripped my heart out. but now that the door is closed, i feel better. i'm on the other side, and i made the decision. now. that's not to say that i don't still FEEL, because i do. i feel a lot. a lot of love, a lot of hurt, a lot of aching for someone. i'm reading "eat, pray, love" right now, and i swear that book was written for me. the author chronicles her journey through a very raw heartache in her life (oddly enough, about a man who shares the name of the man i've been writing about for so long now). it's been great, cheap therapy for me to read elizabeth gilbert's words, because they are truthfully my own words. a few things i've learned from her so far: you can't put a time limit on when feelings will be over. when you'll stop loving someone, wanting someone, missing someone. you have to keep living, and eventually, those feelings will go away - when you've felt them out and taken everything you needed to take from them and moved on. what beautiful advice. people are a part of your life for a reason. the second beautiful truth i've learned is this: "you've gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone is." bam. i'm the queen of wishful thinking, and i learned the hard way that sometimes you have to stop wishing and stop standing up for what you want - not settling for what you're wishing might change one day. so here i am, with the door closed behind me, still feeling out all of these emotions, but thankful to know that 1. i'm not walking alone and 2. this person and these feelings have a purpose in my life. i'm going to keep living - squee
i left united way and started my new job on july 26th. i haven't blogged in such a long time that i can't remember if i already explained my new job or not. i was hired by the ymca of greenville (specifically, the judson community center) to be the lead 4K teacher/director of curriculum and home visits. what a blessing it's been already! i have loved (almost) every second of it. i'm walking through some unchartered territory here, learning things about my students that break my heart, and experiencing the unconditional love of a child every day. i don't even know where to begin to explain the lessons i have already learned - and i've only been at it for fifteen days. i love my kids. LOVE them. they are precious and resilient and beautiful and spirited and have wonderfully unique personalities. i feel incredibly blessed and priveledged to spend ten hours a day with them. it's interesting, because there are times when i feel myself totally in the moment with them: smiling, laughing, and loving on them with every ounce of myself - giving them every ounce of myself. then there are moments when i am tired and impatient and frustrated and at the end of my rope, and i hear myself talking to my sweet preschoolers in ways that make me cringe to recall. the thing is, they never stop loving me or thinking that i'm great or hugging on me or fighting to sit in my lap. they love me, just because i'm miss ashley. it really is a beautiful picture of how jesus loves me - just because i'm ashley and not because of what i do or what i say or how i act. praise jesus for that. i say all that to say: i love my job. i adore my babies. i leave each day feeling exhausted - physically, emotionally, and mentally. i am giving more of myself than i knew i had in me. and i love it. that's not to say that the first week didn't find me in tears a few times, feeling worn out, overwhelmed, and unsure of the huge life change i had made in switching jobs. three weeks later finds me a happy girl!
i finally came to the end of a long journey. a ten month long journey, to be exact. the past ten months have been confusing and frustrating and draining and at the same time, there have been moments of absolute bliss and contentment and joy. finally, after an especially trying four months, the trip - roller coaster - whatever you want to call it - is finished. what's funny is that closing the door was hard. it was brutal. it was sad and dramatic and ripped my heart out. but now that the door is closed, i feel better. i'm on the other side, and i made the decision. now. that's not to say that i don't still FEEL, because i do. i feel a lot. a lot of love, a lot of hurt, a lot of aching for someone. i'm reading "eat, pray, love" right now, and i swear that book was written for me. the author chronicles her journey through a very raw heartache in her life (oddly enough, about a man who shares the name of the man i've been writing about for so long now). it's been great, cheap therapy for me to read elizabeth gilbert's words, because they are truthfully my own words. a few things i've learned from her so far: you can't put a time limit on when feelings will be over. when you'll stop loving someone, wanting someone, missing someone. you have to keep living, and eventually, those feelings will go away - when you've felt them out and taken everything you needed to take from them and moved on. what beautiful advice. people are a part of your life for a reason. the second beautiful truth i've learned is this: "you've gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone is." bam. i'm the queen of wishful thinking, and i learned the hard way that sometimes you have to stop wishing and stop standing up for what you want - not settling for what you're wishing might change one day. so here i am, with the door closed behind me, still feeling out all of these emotions, but thankful to know that 1. i'm not walking alone and 2. this person and these feelings have a purpose in my life. i'm going to keep living - squee
Thursday, July 22, 2010
elizabeth ingram.
meet elizabeth harding ingram.
best friend.
slightly obsessed with car decals.
doesn't like her arm hair.
has the loudest and most infectious laugh i've ever heard.
is a funny person to watch eat.
has fabulous taste in jewelry.
loves to sleep.
has really cool handwriting.
has a pretty voice even though she says she can't sing.
only other person i know who loves birthdays as much as me.
makes a wish at 11:11, 1:11, 2:22, etc.
believes in santa claus.
excellent gift-giver.
always remembers to write thank-you notes.
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