ohh what a monday this has been. i'm sipping a diet coke and pondering the events that have occurred already today. i don't think that my blog is probably the best place to hash out everything, but it's been a crazy morning/early afternoon. nothing bad, really. just lots of weird/big/stressful/frustrating stuff. it's in these moments where i'm just kind of like, "really, God?" that i find it so hard to focus on him. i'd rather pour all of my energy into feeling confused or angry or frustrated instead of searching him out. i feel my forehead scrunched up tight into a frown, and i'd rather just keep it that way than to relax, take a deep breath, and fix my eyes on jesus. but in my quiet time yesterday i read this verse, and i'm just replaying it over and over in my head and my heart like a broken record.
"my eyes are ever on the LORD."
- psalm 25:15
i'm so thankful that i'm surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses. from margaret and sara, to mrs. krause all the way down in florida : ), to my brother and my best friends here in greenville. they do such a good job of praying over me and encouraging me and pointing me to jesus. it's a blessing to be able to go to them with hurts and frustrations and disappointments, because i know they're going to faithfully cover me in prayer.
so as i'm wrestling with a million different thoughts today, "my eyes are ever on the LORD."
Monday, January 26, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
i make a lot of bad decisions
i have learned, in my 23 years of living, that i make a lot of rash decisions that i don't think through. then i get to reap the benefits for those decisions for days to come. my most recent realization of a poorly developed decision:
why, oh why, did i ever decide it would be a good idea to color my hair??
naturally, i have beautiful, curly/wavy dark brown hair. however, when i was a sophomore in high school i decided it'd be a good idea to wreck my beautiful Hershey's colored hair with fire-engine red streaks.
two words: bad. idea.
ever since then it's been a constant battle to reclaim my previously virgin locks. and i'm losing the battle.
i hate that i can't have my natural hair color back, because it's so pretty! instead i have pretty highlighted hair for a week or 2, until the color fades to orange and my roots grow out to remind me of what i've done. then i contemplate shaving it all off and starting over (don't worry, i'll never have the nerve to actually do this). i attempt to dye it back to my natural color, though many friends hate when my hair is dark, but it only washes out to reveal the same yellow orange mess i've created.
obviously, this is a very silly example of bad decisions i've made, but it's a perfect one, too. i did something i thought i wanted. in fact, i did want it in that moment. i wanted bright red streaks in my hair. so what did i do? did i think about it? heck no. i bought some red hair dye and let my best friend, christa, go to town on my hair. did i like it? for about a week. do i regret it? absolutely. this pattern of desire and regret plagues many other moments in my life.
while other bad decisions may have been more serious, and more damaging, the lesson is the same: think before you act, ashley. and still, i fail to learn this lesson. and the sad thing is, i really do miss my dark brown hair - plain as having dark brown hair may be. it's not as fun and exciting as blonde hair. and it's not as wild and attention-grabbing as red hair. but it's my plain old brown hair, and i'd like it back.
why, oh why, did i ever decide it would be a good idea to color my hair??
naturally, i have beautiful, curly/wavy dark brown hair. however, when i was a sophomore in high school i decided it'd be a good idea to wreck my beautiful Hershey's colored hair with fire-engine red streaks.
two words: bad. idea.
ever since then it's been a constant battle to reclaim my previously virgin locks. and i'm losing the battle.
i hate that i can't have my natural hair color back, because it's so pretty! instead i have pretty highlighted hair for a week or 2, until the color fades to orange and my roots grow out to remind me of what i've done. then i contemplate shaving it all off and starting over (don't worry, i'll never have the nerve to actually do this). i attempt to dye it back to my natural color, though many friends hate when my hair is dark, but it only washes out to reveal the same yellow orange mess i've created.
obviously, this is a very silly example of bad decisions i've made, but it's a perfect one, too. i did something i thought i wanted. in fact, i did want it in that moment. i wanted bright red streaks in my hair. so what did i do? did i think about it? heck no. i bought some red hair dye and let my best friend, christa, go to town on my hair. did i like it? for about a week. do i regret it? absolutely. this pattern of desire and regret plagues many other moments in my life.
while other bad decisions may have been more serious, and more damaging, the lesson is the same: think before you act, ashley. and still, i fail to learn this lesson. and the sad thing is, i really do miss my dark brown hair - plain as having dark brown hair may be. it's not as fun and exciting as blonde hair. and it's not as wild and attention-grabbing as red hair. but it's my plain old brown hair, and i'd like it back.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
i wish i knew then what i know now
it's funny - well not funny, but just so like God - how the Lord can put something on your heart randomly, and then it ends up coming up all over the place in various forms. this happened to me this week. i suppose for you to understand this blog, i'm going to have to do a little soul-baring for a minute. i talk a lot about "my story" or "my testimony" in my blog, but most of you probably have no idea what i'm talking about. i'm going to summarize it for you, leaving out a lot of details and names and specifics. i am more than willing to answer questions, because this vague interpretation of what happened in my life won't do any justice to how it actually happened or how the Savior actually went about redeeming me. in a nutshell:
i grew up in a christian home, and gave my life to Jesus when i was eight, although i didn't actually do much with that until i was a junior in high school (i'm ashamed to say). my sophomore year at clemson, i was completely satisfied being single. in fact, i was extremely happy with my life. however, one of my best friends told me she wanted to set me up with a friend of her's. i hesitantly agreed. after many, many attempts to meet this guy and after many, many wild circumstances not allowing it, we began to email. i should interject here that i knew from day one that i should not email this guy and that i should not let myself get involved at all - not even a little bit. but, in my great and infinite wisdom i did it anyway. for a year i emailed back and forth with this person, getting in deeper and deeper and deeper until eventually i was planning a wedding, shopping for apartments, planning kids' names, and imagining our perfect life together. keep in mind i still have not met this person. every time we made plans something tragic happened in his life. i spent a year - april to april - in constant misery: wanting so badly to be with this person who i was planning on spending my life with, but in total heartache and hurt because i couldn't be with him. not to mention that every time his mom got sick or he had a wreck or something happened to a family friend i had my heart broken just a little more - because i cared about who he cared about. anyway, this lasted a year, and i had given every little tiny piece of myself - and my heart - away to this guy. all this time i know that the Lord is asking me to give up the relationship, to trust Him, and to get out, but i didn't. i knew what i wanted, and i tried to fake my relationship with God by having quiet times and praying over the relationship and raising my hands at fca. i was completely dying inside, because i knew that my life was a mess. turns out, he wasn't real. as in he did not exist. my best friend was emailing me as him the whole time. i don't think i can convey in words or in analogies or in any way possible the devestation that abruptly entered my world. i can remember it hurting me to breathe. i think i cried for about 2 weeks straight, and i only remember sleeping when my mom gave me dramamine (or something similar) to make me sleep at night. i had lost two of the most important people in my life: a best friend and the guy i was planning to marry. i had totally and utterly destroyed my life all because i was certain that i knew better than my Father.
for some of you reading this, you might have already known this story, and you may be rolling your eyes and thinking, "she really needs to get over that by now." if you're thinking that, i'm sorry i've bored you. if you just read it for the first time, you might be thinking, "what an idiot." don't worry, that's nothing i haven't heard before. the thing is, i don't regret it (now), and i don't think i will ever be "over it." it changed my life. but there is so much beauty to my story. i cannot even begin to describe to you the way i watched and experienced the Lord slowly taking me apart and redeeming all the little piece of myself that i had given away. it fills my heart with unspeakable joy to think of how He reached down to me - when i was so far gone from Him - and gently (or not so gently, as this was a pretty traumatic event) pulled me out. the timing was completely perfect. the way it all came to light was completely perfect. in no way do i mean that it was sweet and neat and a clean break, but everything about it was totally God. i have watched Him love me in my rebellion and pursue me in the desert and truly bind up my wounds. i have been given beauty for ashes - because He truly burned away everything in my life that was not of Himself. i feel like israel. or maybe gomer. despite all the ways i ran away from God in that year, He still didn't give up on me - there wasn't a distance He wasn't willing to go. i've watched as He's healed relationships i destroyed in that year while i gave up everything and everybody for this person i'd never met. i've watched as He's given me a love and desire for truth and honesty in my life. i've learned so much about forgiveness - His for me and mine for others. i've learned what it is to trust Him and to truly make Him the great love of my life.
that short little insight into my life in no way does any justice at all to the story. there is so much more i want to share and write about. but that's exactly where this all comes together. the Lord has really laid my testimony on my heart lately. i find myself practicing it in my head over and over again (and that has never happened before). i brainstorm ways to use it, and lately i've really been desiring to share it. in bible study at church we've been talking about how our dreams might fit in to God's dreams for us, and last night we were asked to think about how God might reclaim a mistake we've made and use it for His glory. hm. coincidence? i think not. God absolutely wants to use my testimony. a book? sharing it with other women? i don't know yet. i'm excited about the possibilites, though. Satan attacks me by making me think that my story isn't that interesting and that it's really not anything anybody would want to hear, but i KNOW that the Lord has put it on my heart for a reason. i know that SOMEBODY could find truth and hope in what happened in my life. and so for that to happen, i'll do with it whatever Jesus wants me to.
so that was quite the epic post. sorry about that. i hope you'll think about this from time to time and remember to pray for me as i'm seeking the Lord's desires for sharing my testimony.
i grew up in a christian home, and gave my life to Jesus when i was eight, although i didn't actually do much with that until i was a junior in high school (i'm ashamed to say). my sophomore year at clemson, i was completely satisfied being single. in fact, i was extremely happy with my life. however, one of my best friends told me she wanted to set me up with a friend of her's. i hesitantly agreed. after many, many attempts to meet this guy and after many, many wild circumstances not allowing it, we began to email. i should interject here that i knew from day one that i should not email this guy and that i should not let myself get involved at all - not even a little bit. but, in my great and infinite wisdom i did it anyway. for a year i emailed back and forth with this person, getting in deeper and deeper and deeper until eventually i was planning a wedding, shopping for apartments, planning kids' names, and imagining our perfect life together. keep in mind i still have not met this person. every time we made plans something tragic happened in his life. i spent a year - april to april - in constant misery: wanting so badly to be with this person who i was planning on spending my life with, but in total heartache and hurt because i couldn't be with him. not to mention that every time his mom got sick or he had a wreck or something happened to a family friend i had my heart broken just a little more - because i cared about who he cared about. anyway, this lasted a year, and i had given every little tiny piece of myself - and my heart - away to this guy. all this time i know that the Lord is asking me to give up the relationship, to trust Him, and to get out, but i didn't. i knew what i wanted, and i tried to fake my relationship with God by having quiet times and praying over the relationship and raising my hands at fca. i was completely dying inside, because i knew that my life was a mess. turns out, he wasn't real. as in he did not exist. my best friend was emailing me as him the whole time. i don't think i can convey in words or in analogies or in any way possible the devestation that abruptly entered my world. i can remember it hurting me to breathe. i think i cried for about 2 weeks straight, and i only remember sleeping when my mom gave me dramamine (or something similar) to make me sleep at night. i had lost two of the most important people in my life: a best friend and the guy i was planning to marry. i had totally and utterly destroyed my life all because i was certain that i knew better than my Father.
for some of you reading this, you might have already known this story, and you may be rolling your eyes and thinking, "she really needs to get over that by now." if you're thinking that, i'm sorry i've bored you. if you just read it for the first time, you might be thinking, "what an idiot." don't worry, that's nothing i haven't heard before. the thing is, i don't regret it (now), and i don't think i will ever be "over it." it changed my life. but there is so much beauty to my story. i cannot even begin to describe to you the way i watched and experienced the Lord slowly taking me apart and redeeming all the little piece of myself that i had given away. it fills my heart with unspeakable joy to think of how He reached down to me - when i was so far gone from Him - and gently (or not so gently, as this was a pretty traumatic event) pulled me out. the timing was completely perfect. the way it all came to light was completely perfect. in no way do i mean that it was sweet and neat and a clean break, but everything about it was totally God. i have watched Him love me in my rebellion and pursue me in the desert and truly bind up my wounds. i have been given beauty for ashes - because He truly burned away everything in my life that was not of Himself. i feel like israel. or maybe gomer. despite all the ways i ran away from God in that year, He still didn't give up on me - there wasn't a distance He wasn't willing to go. i've watched as He's healed relationships i destroyed in that year while i gave up everything and everybody for this person i'd never met. i've watched as He's given me a love and desire for truth and honesty in my life. i've learned so much about forgiveness - His for me and mine for others. i've learned what it is to trust Him and to truly make Him the great love of my life.
that short little insight into my life in no way does any justice at all to the story. there is so much more i want to share and write about. but that's exactly where this all comes together. the Lord has really laid my testimony on my heart lately. i find myself practicing it in my head over and over again (and that has never happened before). i brainstorm ways to use it, and lately i've really been desiring to share it. in bible study at church we've been talking about how our dreams might fit in to God's dreams for us, and last night we were asked to think about how God might reclaim a mistake we've made and use it for His glory. hm. coincidence? i think not. God absolutely wants to use my testimony. a book? sharing it with other women? i don't know yet. i'm excited about the possibilites, though. Satan attacks me by making me think that my story isn't that interesting and that it's really not anything anybody would want to hear, but i KNOW that the Lord has put it on my heart for a reason. i know that SOMEBODY could find truth and hope in what happened in my life. and so for that to happen, i'll do with it whatever Jesus wants me to.
so that was quite the epic post. sorry about that. i hope you'll think about this from time to time and remember to pray for me as i'm seeking the Lord's desires for sharing my testimony.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
the simple things...
"the simple things in life mean the most."
i really do believe that's true. i'm trying to simplify my life. that's difficult for someone like me. i'm a pretty complex person. i'm completely opinionated, but when it comes to what movie to watch or where we should eat lunch, i genuinely don't care. i'm totally stubborn and difficult (my parents have told me this from day one, lovingly, of course), but i can be so "go with the flow." i believe in brutal honesty, but usually start to cry after i've been brutally honest with someone. i'm probably one of the most sarcastic people you'll ever meet, but i can get my feelings hurt pretty easily. i'm highly unorganized and an accident waiting to happen, but i love when my desk and my apartment are super neat and everything is in place. the point of this rambling is not that i'm weird (although i admit that freely), but that simplicity is something that i relish, that i even strive for, but that is so difficult for me to obtain.
one way i'm trying to really simplify my life is to focus. right now i'm really concentrating on friendships. next to family, our friends are the most important things in our lives. we need good friends. for a long time i thought that i should only have really solid, Christian friends. now i'm beginning to think differently. obviously, i believe it's important that some of my closest friends be believers who encourage me and hold me accountable, but now i'm realizing how important my friends who are not Christians are to me. i need to invest in friendships - not just with Christian friends who think just like me. with people. jesus loved people. all kinds of people. he invested (invests) in their lives. am i doing that? i'm trying to. i want to be a good friend. i want to go to soccer games and funerals and lunch dates and watch movies and have good talks and be the person somebody calls at 3 am because they can't sleep and pick up from the airport and give you money if you need it and cook you dinner. and i just switched pronouns so many times just then and that's annoying. i'm sorry. anyway. i want to be a friend who loves. who genuinely loves and invests. if i'm not doing that, then how many real friendships do i have?? how many lives is jesus touching through me if i'm not truly investing in people's lives?? am i going out of my way - like jesus did - to be a friend?? that's the thing that challenges me most. sure, i can stick a sweet note in the mail, or shoot you a kind email, but am i going out of my way - doing something that might not be easy for me or comfortable for me or beneficial to me - to show others christ's love by being a good friend?
that's what i want to do.
"a friend loves at all times."
- proverbs 17:17
also, and this is completely unrelated, but read psalm 20 and 21. good stuff.
i really do believe that's true. i'm trying to simplify my life. that's difficult for someone like me. i'm a pretty complex person. i'm completely opinionated, but when it comes to what movie to watch or where we should eat lunch, i genuinely don't care. i'm totally stubborn and difficult (my parents have told me this from day one, lovingly, of course), but i can be so "go with the flow." i believe in brutal honesty, but usually start to cry after i've been brutally honest with someone. i'm probably one of the most sarcastic people you'll ever meet, but i can get my feelings hurt pretty easily. i'm highly unorganized and an accident waiting to happen, but i love when my desk and my apartment are super neat and everything is in place. the point of this rambling is not that i'm weird (although i admit that freely), but that simplicity is something that i relish, that i even strive for, but that is so difficult for me to obtain.
one way i'm trying to really simplify my life is to focus. right now i'm really concentrating on friendships. next to family, our friends are the most important things in our lives. we need good friends. for a long time i thought that i should only have really solid, Christian friends. now i'm beginning to think differently. obviously, i believe it's important that some of my closest friends be believers who encourage me and hold me accountable, but now i'm realizing how important my friends who are not Christians are to me. i need to invest in friendships - not just with Christian friends who think just like me. with people. jesus loved people. all kinds of people. he invested (invests) in their lives. am i doing that? i'm trying to. i want to be a good friend. i want to go to soccer games and funerals and lunch dates and watch movies and have good talks and be the person somebody calls at 3 am because they can't sleep and pick up from the airport and give you money if you need it and cook you dinner. and i just switched pronouns so many times just then and that's annoying. i'm sorry. anyway. i want to be a friend who loves. who genuinely loves and invests. if i'm not doing that, then how many real friendships do i have?? how many lives is jesus touching through me if i'm not truly investing in people's lives?? am i going out of my way - like jesus did - to be a friend?? that's the thing that challenges me most. sure, i can stick a sweet note in the mail, or shoot you a kind email, but am i going out of my way - doing something that might not be easy for me or comfortable for me or beneficial to me - to show others christ's love by being a good friend?
that's what i want to do.
"a friend loves at all times."
- proverbs 17:17
also, and this is completely unrelated, but read psalm 20 and 21. good stuff.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
once upon a time...
i've been thinking about love a lot lately. i've come to some conclusions that you may have already discovered yourself, but i feel like i need to share them, nonetheless. and this probably won't be organized or in any order (as usual), but try to stay with me.
i would like to blame hollywood for completely misrepresenting love. this is really the thing that's gotten me thinking so much lately. women want a STORY. we want to go on a blind date and marry the guy 3 months later. we want to meet in the grocery store. we want to call a wrong number and fall for the person on the other end. we want to reach for the same movie at blockbuster and end up watching it together. we want to fall madly in love with a vampire and have a dangerous and passionate relationship with him. we see stuff like this all the time in the movies. think about romeo and juliet. titanic. never been kissed. pride and prejudice. you've got mail. all of these movies tell the tale of true love that comes about with a very romantic, but a very unexpected twist. think about the men in the great love stories. mr. darcy. edward cullen. jack dawson. romeo. women create standards for the kind of man they will love based on these "men." the sad truth is, however, that these men are not real men. they are created out of the ideal that we hold in out hearts. the perfect man that is strong and brave and confident, but conflicted and sensitive, who says the right things at the right time, who will love us passionately and who we can trust without fear of being hurt or abandoned.
ain't gonna happen.
men like this don't exist. the guy you fall for might not have edward cullen's style. he might not pursue you relentlessly like mr. darcy. he might not say the most romantic things you've ever heard. he might do things that drive you crazy. it's ridiculous for us to hold all men to the standards of hollywood men - characters who ARE perfect - because somebody else is writing their stuff and telling them how to dress and what to do. they are perfect because they're not real.
this is so frustrating for me. i can't help but want to marry mr. darcy or edward cullen or noah (from the notebook). but they're not real. that's not reality. and all it does is lead to a disappointing fantasy. i'm praying about this a lot lately. i obviously have standards. that's a good thing, i think. but standards are not deamnds that we make - not expectations. any guy i'm going to be with has to love jesus more than he will love me. that is the most important standard. he has to be kind to everyone, honest, financially stable, and family-oriented. those are important things. expectations, however, are things like him being 6'5", playing football, driving an SUV, wears great clothes, says the most romantic things in a completely non-cheesy way. i'm so praying that the lord would really change my heart. i don't want to miss something wonderful because i'm so caught up in a fantasy of what love and a relationship and a husband is supposed to be. i want to be with someone that the Word tells me is a great man. he loves the lord and his word; he is firm in his fatih; he is confident of who he is in christ; he is faithful to his wife; he loves and guides his children; he protects and provides for his family; he loves others and shows everyone kindness; he doesn't have a raging temper or filthy mouth. those are the things that are important. those are the standards that are good to have.
i'm really crying out to jesus to change my heart - to desire what he desires - even in a husband; to help me flee from the fantasy that hollywood has created; to cling to what i know is good and right; and to trust him to provide the right person, the right way, at the right time.
are you getting sick of all this talk about love yet? sorry. i'm just getting started! : )
i would like to blame hollywood for completely misrepresenting love. this is really the thing that's gotten me thinking so much lately. women want a STORY. we want to go on a blind date and marry the guy 3 months later. we want to meet in the grocery store. we want to call a wrong number and fall for the person on the other end. we want to reach for the same movie at blockbuster and end up watching it together. we want to fall madly in love with a vampire and have a dangerous and passionate relationship with him. we see stuff like this all the time in the movies. think about romeo and juliet. titanic. never been kissed. pride and prejudice. you've got mail. all of these movies tell the tale of true love that comes about with a very romantic, but a very unexpected twist. think about the men in the great love stories. mr. darcy. edward cullen. jack dawson. romeo. women create standards for the kind of man they will love based on these "men." the sad truth is, however, that these men are not real men. they are created out of the ideal that we hold in out hearts. the perfect man that is strong and brave and confident, but conflicted and sensitive, who says the right things at the right time, who will love us passionately and who we can trust without fear of being hurt or abandoned.
ain't gonna happen.
men like this don't exist. the guy you fall for might not have edward cullen's style. he might not pursue you relentlessly like mr. darcy. he might not say the most romantic things you've ever heard. he might do things that drive you crazy. it's ridiculous for us to hold all men to the standards of hollywood men - characters who ARE perfect - because somebody else is writing their stuff and telling them how to dress and what to do. they are perfect because they're not real.
this is so frustrating for me. i can't help but want to marry mr. darcy or edward cullen or noah (from the notebook). but they're not real. that's not reality. and all it does is lead to a disappointing fantasy. i'm praying about this a lot lately. i obviously have standards. that's a good thing, i think. but standards are not deamnds that we make - not expectations. any guy i'm going to be with has to love jesus more than he will love me. that is the most important standard. he has to be kind to everyone, honest, financially stable, and family-oriented. those are important things. expectations, however, are things like him being 6'5", playing football, driving an SUV, wears great clothes, says the most romantic things in a completely non-cheesy way. i'm so praying that the lord would really change my heart. i don't want to miss something wonderful because i'm so caught up in a fantasy of what love and a relationship and a husband is supposed to be. i want to be with someone that the Word tells me is a great man. he loves the lord and his word; he is firm in his fatih; he is confident of who he is in christ; he is faithful to his wife; he loves and guides his children; he protects and provides for his family; he loves others and shows everyone kindness; he doesn't have a raging temper or filthy mouth. those are the things that are important. those are the standards that are good to have.
i'm really crying out to jesus to change my heart - to desire what he desires - even in a husband; to help me flee from the fantasy that hollywood has created; to cling to what i know is good and right; and to trust him to provide the right person, the right way, at the right time.
are you getting sick of all this talk about love yet? sorry. i'm just getting started! : )
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