baby on the way

december is finally here! it's hard to believe that my last post was in august, and we had just been matched with our precious birth family. we have diligently been counting down the months, weeks, and now just days until our sweet baby is here. we've been preparing since july 24th, the day we found out we were "paper pregnant." well, really we've been preparing for two-and-a-half very long years. and i, well, i've been preparing to be a mama my whole life. this baby is so loved already. so wanted.. for a very long time this baby was just a distant, far off wish i hoped would come true. and now here we are. just days away from meeting this baby that will change our lives, and our hearts, forever.

this morning as i sat in church, i was suddenly overwhelmed by a thought: this isn't the only baby we are celebrating this christmas season. and this baby certainly isn't the most anxiously awaited baby to ever be born.

come, thou long expected jesus
born to set thy people free
from our fears and sins release us
let us find our rest in thee
israel's strength and consolation
hope of all the earth thou art
dear desire of every nation
joy of every longing heart

i know i've said it many times, but this adoption has taught me so much about my relationship with christ. as much as we have longed for this baby, it is nothing compared to the collective groan and depth of longing the whole of creation cried out with as it waited for the glorious revelation of jesus christ. creation waited once for christ, and he came as a baby in a manger. creation is waiting once again for him, and when he returns - and friend, he will return for us - he will come as a mighty victor.

adoption is an incredible picture of the gospel any time of year, but kenny and i are especially excited that our adoption is happening at christmas. because jesus came, and he himself was adopted by his earthly father, joseph, we are able to be adopted by god our heavenly father.

we could not be more excited to meet our baby. but i am also praying that the lord would not let even the birth of our little one overshadow the birth of the One, the savior king, in our hearts this season. in fact, i really can't think of a better way to begin our journey as parents, than for us to be totally consumed by the joy and glory and mystery of the birth of jesus. this little baby who will be our's will make us parents. it will fill our home with laughter and fun and lots more love. but the baby in the manger makes us holy. redeems us. saves us. the baby in the manger is life-giving.

this baby we're going to meet in a few days won't be the first baby to change our lives.

august update

oh, friends. if you could only fathom the joy that fills my heart right now! for any of you who have not yet heard (or read), kenny and i were chosen by a sweet birth mother on july 24th. we are expecting a sweet little baby on december 21st! i am so overwhelmed with just sheer awe for the work that the lord has done to connect all of the dots in this story. there are so many details that i would love to share, but there are some things that i just want to keep close to my heart.

so many times throughout this journey, even recently, i've been met with people who have questioned our choice to adopt. i have often felt slighted by people who are less than excited about our choice and our baby, and i can only guess that it's because the baby will not share our dna. those questions hurt me much more deeply than just about anything else in my life ever has. and really, i just have one question - particularly for people who question adoption and who call themselves believers (i should note, these are mostly people who ask me at the grocery store if i have kids, or at wal-mart, or random places and i end up talking about adoption): where would you be if not for adoption? you see, god designed adoption. adoption was his plan all along. if you are in christ, if you are a child of god, it is only through the blood of jesus christ that you are counted righteous and are able to be adopted as a child of god. when he chose you (#closetcalvinist) - you didn't look like him. you didn't share his make up. you were born in sin, and your heart was evil. you were his enemy. BUT. oh, that tiny word but that is so necessary to the follower of jesus. BUT while you were still a sinner - still his enemy - christ died for you so that you could be adopted into the kingdom. the forever family of god. if jesus never let me conceive a child on my own, i would still be thankful, because he counted me and kenny worthy enough to live out his adoption plan in our own lives. praise god for adoption, for love that knows no bounds - no dna, no chromosomes, no skin color, no biological predispostions, no genetic make up. praise god for adoption, for love that knows no depth that it isn't willing to reach - no sin too great, no heart too dark, no person too far gone. so when you think about our story, don't think about us. don't think about the miracle jesus worked in our lives - and he did work miracles, yall. think about the adoption you have experienced - or maybe desperately need to experience - in your own life. think about lines and boundaries and political correctness that grace stepped over when he found you. i got a message from a friend yesterday that said that my writing - my honesty and candor through this journey - has touched her life. this has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with our savior. our lives - our joy, our suffering, our stories - are so much bigger than us. we are so insignificant, and he is everything.

to say that we are overjoyed would be an understatement. we are absolutely over the moon excited to welcome this sweet baby into our lives. in south carolina, a birth mother cannot sign tpr (termination of parental rights) papers until 24 hours after the delivery. as confident as we are that this is our baby - and yall, god has shown us many times over the past two weeks that this is our baby - there is still fear of coming home with an empty car seat. i've been studying hebrews over the past week. in hebrews 3 and 4, the author writes about the sabbath rest. he's writing to (surprise!) hebrews - jewish believers who have lived their lives as slaves to the law. he explains that their unbelief will keep them from the rest that christ offers. of course, we could look deeper and assume that unbelief will prevent eternal rest. but that's not where i'm going today. rest. not sleep. not a nap. not waking up refreshed. rest. soul rest. peace. joy. hope. restoration. that's the rest jesus offers us. he has reminded me every single day that my own unbelief will keep me from his rest. it will keep me from his peace, his joy, his hope. in moments when fear grips my heart and i have exchanged the truth of god for the lies of satan (romans), when my eyes fill with tears over the fear of the "what ifs?," when satan tells me this is too good to be true, when i hear all the reasons why god can't possibly be this good to me - jesus gently reminds me that he is in my midst. he is in this situation. he has gone before and made a way. he has ordained and ordered and worked out every moment of the next four months. he is good, and he is for me.

as you continue to pray over the next four months, we would be so thankful if you would remember these things:
- our sweet little one (health, growth, safe delivery, and that it's little heart would already begin softening to hear the gospel one day)
- our birth parents - they are incredible people; pray for their hearts and that they would see jesus in us
- our hearts - that we would rest in the grace of jesus and trust that he is in this

a lot can happen in a week

we have had what i would call an eventful week. hard. heart-wrenching. anxiety-filled. disappointing. those are some other words i would use to describe the past seven days. since my last post, one short week ago, we have two - yes, TWO - failed adoption situations. i don't even understand how this is possible. five months go by with nothing - no calls. and then BAM! two awesome opportunities that didn't work out.

we were contacted by a birth mother early in the week. things went well, and we were invited to her ultrasound appointment on thursday to find out the gender of the baby. the baby is due at christmas. we were thrilled. the situation was absolutely perfect. she changed her mind.

this morning we got a call that a baby had been born, and we had been chosen to be its parents. unfortunately, it was a situation we were uncomfortable with, and we had to say no.

i have no words. we were both so unprepared for these kinds of things to happen to us. we knew they were possible, but just didn't believe they would happen. well, here we are. and they've happened. and the struggle is real. maybe you would pray for us? this road is hard and unpredictable and can feel isolating. if we don't talk about what's going on, then it's easy to just withdraw and suffer through it. and jesus has called us to community bigger or more beautiful than that.

july update

oh, hey, guess what? i'm still not a mama.

every day gets harder. i don't know if i can really do justice to the combination of aching, longing, frustration, and many other feelings that fill my heart all day every day. i wake up thinking of our baby, and i go to sleep thinking of our baby. she is in every thought in every moment of my day. it's a curious thing to love someone so deeply whom you have never met.

i've had a really hard time lately. trying to be hopeful. trying to be patient. trying to be faithful. trying to trust god. i don't know that our faith as believers is ever so tested as it is when god says wait. for a while i really did well. i busied myself with the nursery. i was teaching. i started grad school. now it's summer. and i'm home. and i see the nursery all day every day. i've closed the door, and i'm afraid that is somewhat symbolic for the status of my heart.

i watched a video yesterday about a couple who struggled for years with infertility and eventually adopted. their wait was long and hard. the wife said something that resonated with me - something i have been thinking for a while, but that i haven't wanted to say out loud. speaking about her desire for a child and her still empty arms, she said, "it just seems so mean of god."

it just seems so mean.

yes. yes, it does. it seems mean and unkind and pointless. god could give me a baby right now - today - if he would. but he doesn't. and it hurts. it hurts my heart in ways i never knew it could hurt. the grief of infertility mingled with the agony and yet hope of adoption is a near constant turmoil that i walk.

choosing to have me remain childless while granting babies to everyone else in the world just seems cruel. it makes me question his love for me. it makes me wonder what i'm being punished for. i know he is good. i know his love for me is immeasurable. i know i am favored by him through the blood of christ. i know these things. but i don't feel them right now. it makes it hard to crack open my bible. it makes it hard for me to speak to him. it makes it hard for me to listen to my favorite worship songs. i am sure there of those of you who can hardly believe that i would admit that, but it's true, and i believe there are more of you who can relate than those who cannot.

i'm tired of people giving me alternative methods for how i could get pregnant. i'm tired of people telling me that we'll adopt and then i'll get pregnant. i'm tired of people asking if we have heard anything, and not because i'm annoyed that you care - i hate having to give you the same answer, because i know that you care for us. i'm tired of saying, "we'll have a baby by then," because the reality is, we do not and we may not. i'm tired of watching the days tick by with no calls, no emails, no babies.

but then there is the other thing the wife in the video i watched yesterday said. "what i saw as him not loving me, was in fact him being the most loving he could have been." here in this journey, however difficult and long it may be, he is writing the story. he is writing the story of our family, and he started writing it even before kenny and i met. he is writing the story that we could never imagine for ourselves. he is at work for our good and for his glory. we don't want just any story; we want the one god has written for us. we want his best for us, even if it means waiting. and as elisabeth elliot wrote, "god's stories never end in ashes." when all that i have left of my hopes and dreams are their burned remains upon the altar of my heart, he is not finished. he promises beauty from ashes.

in all of this, there is still peace, somehow. there is the joy of the lord and there is the promise of strengthened faith, developed character, and good things to come. we cannot claim to know the outcome of our journey to be parents. we may become parents next week, next month, or next year. god may answer our prayer, "yes." but even if he does not, he is still good.

but even if he does not.

daniel 3:18

streams from rocks

i know this is stating the obvious, but i can't help it: it. is. so. HOT. our poor air conditioner hasn't stopped running since june 1st. right now it's set on 68 (hey, we like it cool), and it's currently 73 in the house. i am loving my summer, but i'm just gonna go ahead and say it: i'm ready for fall, football, and cold weather. i hate sweat. i hate hot. and i hate humidity. i'm so uplifting this afternoon.

actually, i'm going to be.

june 16th finds kenny and me still waiting to become parents. what a drag. we're in month eight of this journey, and while it has flown by, i've found myself feeling so discouraged lately. i ask kenny (or my mom) every single day, is it ever gonna happen?? will we ever get our baby?? they are both very reassuring, but it's just so hard to wait with no end in sight. not only is there no end in sight, but there aren't even any road signs. it's like traveling down some old one-lane highway with no signs, no stop lights, no detours, no other cars, no nothin. i've stopped going in to the nursery. in fact, the door stays closed all the time now. i don't buy baby stuff. i'm feeling completely over it and yet anxious about it at the same time.

i decided today i needed to do something new during my quiet time, so i hopped over to #shereadstruth (highly recommend this app for any of you ladies reading) and found a new study to start. it's called "in everything, give thanks." what i really felt like saying when i scrolled through and saw that title was, "pass." but i didn't. i knew it was the one jesus had saved for me for such a time as this. i reluctantly (i say reluctantly because i knew i was about to be 50 shades of convicted) added it to my bookshelf and set out to do the first day's study.

the scripture for today is psalm 105 and 1 thessalonians 5:16-18. here's a piece from psalm 105 that has played over and over in my head all afternoon:

seek the lord and his strength;

seek his presence continually.

remember the wondrous works that he has done.

his miracles and the judgements he uttered

(v. 4-5)

when he summoned a famine on the land

and broke all the supply of bread

he had sent a man ahead of them

(v. 16-17)

1 thessalonians 5:16-18 says:

rejoice always; pray without ceasing; give thanks in all circumstances.

i love psalm 105:17: "he had sent a man ahead of them." in this passage, the psalmist is recalling the story of joseph. he was sold in to slavery to the egyptians as a young boy by his brothers. eventually, he gained favor with the king and was released from slavery and made one of the king's right hand men. during this time, the israelites faced a famine that left them desperate for help and food. the egyptians had food. joseph's father sent his brothers to egypt for food, and who should they come across but their brother. joseph forgave them and showed them favor and kindness and provided everything they needed. there was a point to the pain joseph went through. the whole time israel was facing famine, and the whole time joseph was a slave in egypt, the lord was working for their good behind the scenes. they couldn't see it. they probably didn't always feel it. but he was working, and he didn't waste their circumstances. he used their circumstances to bring about his glory and their good.

if we keep reading in psalm 105, the psalmist goes on to write about how the egyptians grew to hate the israelites and eventually took them in to captivity and made them their slaves. one day, in an effort to protect her infant son, a young mother tucks her baby into a basket and places him in the river. that basket ends up in pharaoh's court, and that baby is raised as an heir to the egyptian throne. as he is growing up, the israelites are suffering greatly under the egyptians' rule. but god was working. he was growing moses to be the great deliverer the israelites would need to take them out of egypt. he had put moses right where he was for a purpose, and he would not waste those circumstances. once again, "he had sent a man ahead of them."

praise the lord that these two stories serve as foreshadowing for what would come in the new testament. even in circumstances of life that seem confusing, dark, painful, and unnecessary, we can trust that he has sent a man ahead of us. because jesus has gone before me, and because he holds all things together (colossians 1:17), i can trust that he is working behind the scenes of my life, orchestrating something beautiful. he brings beauty from ashes (isaiah 61:3). i read somewhere the other day that "ashes are never the end of the story." he always finishes his work of restoration, and he always remembers his promise of goodness, kindness, and favor to his children.

this week one of my favorite author's died. elisabeth elliot has written a lot of things that i love, but the one sentence she penned that i have had to claim over and over in my life is this:

"god never witholds from his child that which his love and wisdom call good. god's refusals are always merciful -- "severe mercies" at times but mercies all the same. god never denies us our hearts desire except to give us something better."

as is always the case when we read scripture, there is a call to action here. will i choose to trust in his goodness and his faithfulness and his sovereignty? will i actively rejoice always, pray without ceasing, and give thanks in this waiting? i'm sure gonna try. i'm going to trust that the one he has sent before me is sufficient for all my needs and even all my desires.