quarter life crisis. seriously.

disclaimer: this post will be serious but humorous. such is my life. enjoy.

in the time since i last posted i have turned twenty-five. 25. viente y cinco. i wish i could tell you that with this milestone came great wisdom and insight. alas, it did not. in fact, i feel as though i could sum up my life with the words of pink:

bad decisions, that's alright; welcome to my silly life.

in the realm of bad decisions, i haven't made any that have landed me in jail, pregnant, or on the news, so i feel like that's pretty big accomplishment. however, i've made a lot - too many, in fact - that leave me hurting. remember britney spears (pre-shaved head and 36-hour marriage)? well, guys: oops, i did it again.

i thought something was - it wasn't.
i thought things had changed - they haven't.
i thought some one was - he isn't.
i thought i could - i can't.

unless i just dive right on in to details and specifics, which i am resisting the urge to divulge, there's not much i can say except, "ouch." my heart hurts. i should have seen it coming. definitely should have seen it coming. and i should have known better. nothing left to do but forget it and move on.

in other news: today my brakes went out while i was driving. talk about an adrenaline rush. i was slung in to oncoming traffic with no way to stop until in a swift and brilliant thought i shifted my car in to park. a little whiplash never hurt anyone, right? it did it again while at a huge intersection up the road, only this time it made a noise that sounded similar to what would happen if C3PO jumped into a garbage disposal. i was pretty sure the engine of my car had been left somewhere between walgreens and cvs on laurens road. to my delight, it was not, and i made it in one piece to goodyear where (to my horror) i learned that my brakes were non-existent. super duper. $951 later, i can gently tap my brakes and come to a complete stop without fear of needing a back-up plan should they fail.

later tonight i went to close the back door when holy my gosh what did i spy on my patio but a decapitated and dismembered squirrel. screaming, gagging, jumping and flailing about followed. luckily. seth was here to see lauren, so he manuevered the poor, dead rodent in to a trash bag with a stick and a broom while lauren and i filmed it. i am now searching google to find out how to disinfect my dogs' mouths.

that's enough excitement for one blog post. don't want to overstimulate my dear readers.

a thousand times i've failed, still your mercy remains

have you ever made some kind of mistake that you regret so deeply that it makes you sick? of all the ridiculous things i've done in my 24.99999 (my birthday is in 5 days) of living, most i do not think of often, if ever at all. there are a few, however, that creep in to my thoughts regularly and rob me of every ounce of joy, hope, and assurance that i am promised in jesus christ. it's the sins that i commit in moments of insecurity that seem to eat away at me the most. the things i do when i'm trying to heal my own heart, make myself feel better, or take my life in to my own hands - those are the things that end up hurting me deeply.

i look back to some of the choices i've made in the last year of my life and think, oh my word; what was i doing?? these sins that cut me to the soul and stem from my insecurities always come at times when i am trying to protect my heart from jesus. i want to keep him out: his crushing love, his wrecking grace, his loving correction, his wise direction. i don't want it. i want to do whatever i find to be most gratifying - most pleasurable - most "healing." i am not spending regular time in the word; i'm not talking to jesus; i'm not confessing sins and temptations to him or to my sisters in him; i'm not surrendering. interesting how my home remedies only succeed in infecting the wound to the point that my only option is to run straight to christ and ask him to fix me once again.

what's most sickening is that so often i find myself making the same mistakes time and time again. why do i do that?? why don't i just learn the stupid lesson and be done with it?? my own sinfulness scares me. what i'm capable of in my hummanity is disturbing. my ability to flirt so unashamedly with sin fills me with such dread and grief that i can hardly breathe. why do believers, like myself, do this? why do we live like we have no power over sin? why do we live slaves to darkness?

i used to think that living as a slave to sin just meant that i was caught up in sinful acts, but i've recently changed my mind. that is, obviously, one meaning of the phrase. lately, however, i've started thinking that living as a slave to sin can mean living as a slave to the sins of your past. satan is so quick and so ruthless when it comes to reminding me of my sin. he spares no memory, no thought, no emotion. he pulls out all the big guns to torture my mind and my heart. and friends, if you know what i'm talking about - and i believe that if you are trying to walk closely with christ that you do - you know what agony it is to live with the burden of old sin. even confessed sins can weigh on your heart and suck the life right out of you.

i don't have some magic fix for this. i'm just trying to talk through this whole confession-repentance-forgiveness-redemption thing myself. the only thing i know to do is run to truth - cling to truth - throw my heart wrecklessly on the altar of truth.

"if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 john 1:9

"for he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us in to the kingdom of the son he loves." colossians 1:13

"by cancelling the record of our debt that stood against us with its legal demands. this he set side, having nailed it to the cross." colossians 2:14

"he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities. that punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed." isaiah 53:4

"you see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, christ died for the ungodly. very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. but god demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, christ died for us. since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from god's wrath through him! for if, when we were god's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!" romans 5:6-10

"for there is now, therefore, no condemnation for those who are in christ jesus." romans 8:1

"praise be to the god and father of our lord jesus christ! in his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of jesus christ from the dead." 1 peter 1:3

i am forgiven. i am redeemed. i have been freed from the power and guilt of sin. i have been freed to hope and joy and a full and rich life - both here and eternally.

wise beyond my years

hello, blog enthusiasts! sorry for the deliquency in my posting. i've been a tad busy lately.

this morning i started back working with the high school girls at brushy creek. it feels SO good to be serving in youth ministry again. i have such a heart for high school girls, i think because i feel like i have so much wisdom - by way of tough lessons learned - to share.

this summer we're doing a series on song of solomon that focuses on relationships - love, sex, dating, etc. the lord really timed this quite perfectly. i have learned so many nuggets of truth through many bad relationships. granted, i have made many, many mistakes in this area of my life, but god is abundantly good to forgive me and teach me, even through my rebellion and failures. i am excited about the opportunities i will have over the next several weeks to share my heart and my life with these precious young women. here are some things i want to impress on their hearts:

1. god's way is always best.
2. there is NO guy worth sacrificing your fellowship with christ for.
3. it's easier to be alone than to be with someone who you should not be with.
4. ask god to define your standards for dating and then DO NOT COMPROMISE.
5. if you compromise once, you'll compromise again and again.
6. physical intimacy will destroy your heart.
7. times of singleness are hard and often lonely. don't dwell on it. trust that every season of your life is a gift from god. cherish it. dig in to the word and into gods heart and drink deeply of his love for you.
8. you are not forgotten. society make think you're a mutant for being single, but trust that the lord will draw near to you if you make yourself available.
9. you will never regret waiting on god's best.
10. work on BEING the right person, not FINDING the right person.
11. heartache is inevitable. be wise, but don't be afraid to be vulnerable (when you feel affirmed by the lord's leading). don't allow yourself to grow bitter and cynical.
12. you will probably make some mistakes while dating. don't beat yourself up over them. mourn for your sin, repent, and then chalk it up to experience and move on. god is big enough and good enough to forgive you.

i have to remind myself of these truths all the time. i'm so looking forward to sharing them with these girls! i'm praying that their hearts would be surrendered to the love of christ.

the right words at the right time

"kind words are like honey: sweet to the soul and healthy for the body."
-proverbs 16:24

i've been going to curriculum training every few weeks since september. the trainer for the class, betsy, is a wonderfully ecentric lady in her 60's. she's earthy and organic and kind and adventurous. over the past nine months, betsy has heard me talk about various disasters that have sprung up in my life - mostly house related. yesterday we were talking about labeling people, and she asked us to share a label we had been given. i quickly told my peers that my family often called me "an accident waiting to happen" or "mayhem."

last night my heart broke a little when an exciting and encouraging relationship came to a close. i felt discouraged, sad, undesirable, and unbeautiful. this afternoon as betsy was wrapping up our training, she gave me a strong hug and whispered this in my ear (she had not done this to another soul in my class):

"i don't think you're a disaster waiting to happen. i think you are a strong, creative woman who can survive anything."

i don't know if betsy is a believer or not, but her words were so perfectly timed and so genuinely spoken that my eyes welled up with big tears and i could barely muster a "thank you." her words were not magic; they weren't eloquent; and she had no idea how desperately i needed to hear them. but jesus knew, and he used them to speak to the ache in my heart.

somebody asked me one time if i ever felt like there was a black cloud hanging over my head, because i face a lot more challenges than the average person. something is always going on - my house floods, my garbage disposal explodes, my washing machine stops working, my furnace quits in december. i can't keep a cell phone working, my debit card is always lost, and the most random things go wrong with my vehicle. and let's not even talk about relationship disasters. i just can't seem to have any luck in that arena. it's so easy - so, so easy - for me to look around and compare my life to others'. and, as you can imagine, it's so, so easy for me to feel like such a mess. satan so quickly attacks my heart when i allow myself to exchange god's truth for his lies.

the truth is this: i was created in my heavenly father's image. i was creatively and thoughtfully designed - every freckle put in place, my cowlick carefully considered, my crooked nose gently formed. on purpose. god made me the way i am on purpose. the misadventures and frustrations and challenges that i encounter on a very regular basis teach me so many things. i've learned to really believe and rejoice that i am not in control. i've learned to be flexible and not freak out about little things. i have learned that things can always be worse. always. i've learned that my life exists to glorify god, not to chauffeur me safely and smoothly to the end of a happy and easy life.

as i press on, i keep replaying cs lewis' words in my head: "there are far better things ahead than any we leave behind." anything that must be left in the past is only a promise that something greater lies ahead of us. the lord promises good to me. i'm gonna trust him - even when it's hard.

i know i am not...

but i know I AM.

if i have learned anything over the last few months it's that i am insufficient. there is really nothing that i am capable of doing on my own.

i cannot show grace.
i cannot love well.
i cannot trust Jesus.
i cannot forgive others.
i cannot ask for forgiveness.
i cannot walk by faith.
i cannot save my soul.
i cannot make myself righteous.
i cannot be faithful, consistent or dilligent.
i cannot speak kind words seasoned with grace.
i cannot give myself joy.
i cannot heal my hurt.
i cannot show patience.

i cannot. i cannot. i cannot.

kinda discouraging when you first think about it. but today i found, for the first time in a while - or maybe the first time ever - such sweet, sweet relief in the truth that my life is not dependent on me. my life is dependent on Jesus Christ for everything. EVERYthing.

two situations have had me kind of worked up today. one is relational and the other is a potential life-changing decision that i will have to make. the relational situation is simply a matter of me trying desperately to avoid being hurt. the life-changing decision is a matter of me striving to figure out how to deny myself and honor Christ, but do something that i'm happy with. the beauty of both of these separate situations is this: i don't know what's going to happen. but i know the One who has orchestrated my life so beautifully - through pain and joy, ups and downs, fears and failures, disappointments and victories - for twenty-five years. i know He is good and faithful. i know if i am hurt, that He will heal my hurt, restore my heart, and bring something even better into my life. i know that if i make a decision with the motive of His glory, He will bless it in His sovereignty and trust that He is capable of redirecting my path in the future.

Jesus is sufficient for me. He is all i need. He is all i want. He is my exceedingly great reward - the horn of my salvation - my rock and my Redeemer - my portion - my inheritance - my promise - my hope. He is more than enough.

i am not. but i know I AM. and i can throw my heart and my fears and my worries and my hurts and my desires upon that truth. i can rest in the fact that my desperation is met by His desire and promise to be my All in All.