omg

the wait is over! the answer was YES!

more details to come soon! : )

just say yes

i'm running out of ways to make you see
i want you to stay here beside me
i won't be okay and i won't pretend i am
so just tell me today and take my hand

just say yes
just say there's nothing holding you back
it's not a test
nor a trick of the mind, only love

it's so simple and you know it is, know it is
we can't be to and fro like this all our lives
you're the only way to me, the path is clear
what do i have to say to you, for god's sake, dear

just say yes
just say there's nothing holding you back
it's not a test
nor a trick of the mind, only love

just say yes
cause i'm aching, and i know you are, too
for the touch
of your warm skin as i breathe you in

i can feel your heart beat through my shirt
this was all i wanted
all i want

just say yes
just say there's nothing holding you back
it's not a test
nor a trick of the mind, only love

lover, lover, lover, you don't treat me no good no more

can it really already be tuesday, july 6?? really?? i had a great weekend. probably the best weekend i've had in three months. (wow, has it been three months?) my great weekend started at 2:45 on friday afternoon when united way let us go early. i hate friday afternoons, so this was a very welcomed surprise. cati rolled in to town around 5, and she and i met elizabeth for dinner and a movie at 8. we had a really fun night laughing and being silly. oh, and drinking chick-fil-a milkshakes (thanks, united way, for the chick-fil-a gift card that bought our milkshakes). saturday cati had to work, so i slept late, took huck to the dog park, went to the grocery store, cleaned the house, and took a nap. it was divine. saturday night cati and i had dinner downtown, got ice cream, and ended up coming in pretty early. valerie had been at the baseball game, and when she left she came over and we watched a few episodes of true blood (we're on season two, now). sunday cati had to work, so i met liz at newspring. church, lunch, nap, CELEBRATE! ten of us went downtown for dinner and fireworks and "playing" sunday night. it was so much fun. i knew it was going to be a great night when liz's dad let her drive his 1970 cutlass convertible. the fireworks were incredible, and we even got to see anna and katherine. after our adventures downtown, we got in the cutlass, cranked up the music, sang our little hearts out, and drove aroun downtown for a good half a tank of gas. cati, sara, and i went back to my house and watched "orphan" until 3:30 in the morning. um, creepy. we slept late yesterday, picked liz up around 1 for lunch at groucho's in spartanburg, then headed to the pool. mid-trip to the pool, sara texted and said they were going shopping. since we were going to her pool, we needed a new plan. liz decided that we could totally sneak in to the pool in the neighborhood where she and her dad used to go play tennis. as we pulled up to the (gated) neighborhood, we luckily got behind a truck...who i tailgated to get into the neighborhood before the gate slammed shut. we got to the pool and tried to play it cool, all the while the "regulars" were staring at us like we were from outerspace. we later learned that they were staring at us, because we had walked in and totally disregarded the sign in sheet at the check-in table. whoops. once we realized that we probably shouldn't have snuck in, and that if we were going to sneak in we probably should have at least signed in, we decided it'd be a good idea to go ahead and get out of there. we packed up after a couple of hours and headed out. cati left for clemson around 5 yesterday afternoon, and i picked up the house, painted my nails, and showered. sallie came over at 7 for our monday night routine: joy of tokyo takeout, the bachelorette, and true beauty. i didn't do anything particularly exciting over the weekend, but it was a lot of fun. i was definitely sad to see 7 am come this morning when i had to wake up and get ready for work. i'm already counting down to this weekend. i'm going home to have a birthday celebration for me, my aunt connie, and my nanny with the family. it's also jammin in july, and liz, valerie, shelby, anna, and katherine are coming to camden to go.

so that's the recap of my weekend. pretty fabulous. in other news: i'm learning a lesson in patience. for someone who starts screaming soft profanities when i'm stopped at a red light for more than 5 seconds, patience is a very difficult virtue to practice. i think it's more of a lesson in trusting jesus. but aren't all lessons we learn basically centered around the fact that we need to trust jesus more? i think so. anyway. i'm waiting on some news that will either make me extremely happy or extremely disappointed. it could go either way, and right now i'm just waiting.

this weekend i finally felt like myself again. it's been three long months of wrestling with the same thing, moping, wallowing, and being unhappy (not all the time - but you know what i mean). finally, FINALLY, i caught a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel - and it wasn't too far away! granted, i still have my moments, but i'm finally able to put my feelings in a little box and shove them in the back of my head so that i can actually function. thank goodness - no, thank jesus - for that. it's still hard, obviously, because everything i see reminds me of the things i'm trying to forget, but hallelujah! i feel like ashley again.

i've got a pretty exciting event calendar coming up: this weekend in camden/jammin in july; next thursday is jerrod niemann at blindhorse; next weekend is john mayer in charlotte and charlee and robbie's cocktail party in lexington; the following weekend and entire following week is edisto; the last weekend in july is chris and katie's wedding; the first weekend in august is charlee and robbie's wedding. lots of really fun things coming up that i'm really excited about.

i rediscovered snow patrol this morning. LOVE them. i don't know why i stopped listening to them. probably because my jcm obsession got a tad bit out of control. whatever the reason, i listened to them all morning long and was in awe of some of their lyrics. keep reading to find out what song i choose for lyrics of the day!

i think i've rambled long enough. if you've read this entire thing: my apologies for having nothing witty, thought-provoking, or even entertaining for you to read today.

lyric time!

encouraging lyrics from the robbie seay band (joseph hart originally wrote the song in 1759, but i like the RSB version best):

come, ye sinners, poor and needy
weak and wounded, sick and sore
jesus ready stands to save you
full of pity, love and power

i will arise and go to jesus
he will embrace me in his arms
in the arms of my dear savior
there are ten thousand charms

come, ye thirsty, come and welcome
god's free bounty glorify
true belief and true repentance
every grace that brings you nigh

i will arise and go to jesus
he will embrace me in his arms
in the arms of my dear savior
there are ten thousand charms

come ye weary, heavy-laden
lost and ruined by the fall
if you tarry til you're better
you will never come at all

lead me to the cross

that is what my heart keeps crying out to jesus. i'm trying to let him take every thought captive, and any time a thought creeps in that i do not need to meditate on, i immediately ask him to lead me to the cross. at the cross everything is made right: hurts, fears, lonliness, rejection, guilt, shame, confusion, pride. it's all rectified. romans 12:2 tells us to be "renewed by the transforming of your mind." that's what i need (and i need it often): renewal through the transformation of my mind. only christ can do that.

i read a quote this morning that struck my heart:

the lord never came to deliver men from the consequences of their sin while yet those sins still remained. yet men, loving their sins and feeling nothing of the dread of their hatefulness have, consistent with their condition, constantly taken this word concerning the lord to mean that jesus came to deliver them from the punishment of their sins. (george macdonald)

wow. that's pretty much dead on. the bible tells us that he came to deliver us from our sins. from our sins. he came to deliver us from the bondage of our human nature - the very thing we were born in to - the evil that penetrates our hearts. when you think about it that way it changes everything - the way it's intended to. when we are delivered from our sin, it doesn't mean we don't sin ever again - but it means we are free from it's control over us. we can not sin. we're no longer slaves to the sin that once controlled us. it's not about the consequences. it's about the heart; it's about reconciliation; it's about holiness; it's about being made right with the one who knitted our souls and hearts and bodies together long before we'd say our first curse word, think our first lustful thought, tell our first white lie, utter our first unkind word. i found this quote this morning, too:

that is why he warned people to "count the cost" before becoming christians. "make no mistake," he says, "if you let me, i'll make you perfect. the moment you put yourself in my hands, that's what you're in for. nothing less or other than that." (cs lewis)

i think it's really interesting that lewis used the word "let." if you let me. mostly i'm pretty sure i don't let jesus do much of anything in my heart. i say that i want him to, but then as soon as he starts to, and it gets a little (or a lot) uncomfortable, i want out. i suddenly no longer desire to learn or change or grow or become more like him; i'm satisfied to slip back in to my comfortable but slimey, smelly, rotting sin.

i'm seeing that in my life right now. i made a decision to be obedient. i was obedient. it's painful. i mean it's really uncomfortable. i don't want to be obedient anymore. i want to go back to doing what i was doing. instead of clinging to jesus, finding relief in him, and allowing him to stretch me and change me, and crying out for him to help me glean all he wants to teach me right now, i've been crying out for him to just give me back the thing i obediently gave up. it reminds me of another quote from cs lewis:

safe? of course he isn't safe, but he's good.

there is nothing "safe" in my life when i place my life in jesus' hands. there is nothing safe from his destruction, because he will tear down, dismantle, break, and ultimately destroy anything in me that is not of himself. the beauty of that truth is that through all the wreckage is the promise that everything he does is for my good. the weeping may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning. he is the god who only does wonderful things. then of course, there's the other side of this seemingly scary fact: there is no safer place to be than in jesus' hands. it's kind of like being in the eye of a hurricane. anywhere else in the storm or on the fringes of the storm, and you're vulnerable - you're unsafe. but right there in the center of it, you're safe - everything is calm. danger and destruction and chaos may surround you on all sides, and it might be a lot bigger than your little piece of calm - but right there in the eye of the storm you're safe. somehow that helps me to grasp what jesus is trying to teach me. it's like peter walking on water. he stepped out of the boat on the waves. he was "unsafe," in theory. but he wasn't truely helpless until he took his eyes off of jesus - til he lost focus. that's when he began to be overcome by the violent ocean and drown.

i think part of it comes down to do i really believe this? do i really believe that the cross is what it is? do i really believe the message of jesus? when i think about the moments that i resist him and want my way, i know that i'm wrestling my will versus his: i don't trust that his will is greater than my own. not necessarily that, but i'm afraid of just how hard, painful, scary, and uncomfortable his will is going to be. my own sinfulness speaks so loudly sometimes and tells me that my will is definitely the better way to go. i some how always manage to fail to learn the lesson that my way never gets me where i want to go. ever. so even though i fight his will, i absolutely believe that the cross is what it is. i trust jesus and his message with everything in me. it's kind of weird. even if i tried not to believe it, i couldn't. jesus has already changed my heart so much that i know he is who is says he is; i know the work of the cross is real and relevant.

so. all that to say: i am approaching this season in my life with a new attitude. instead of being so easily satisfied by my sin, i'm going to press in to jesus as he refines my heart. i'm going to push through the painfulness and uncomfortableness, and trust that joy will come in the morning (whenever morning may be). i'm going to praise him for the work he is doing in my life, for loving me so much that he cannot leave me in my sinfulness, for taking me apart and making me more like himself, for the cross (another example of pain that was necessary for righteousness, healing, and completion*), and for deliverance from my sin. i'm not going to pray for him to leave me alone or for him to give back what was taken away. i'm not going to ask out. i'm going to allow him to continue to make me vulnerable and expose my sin and rip it from my life, all the while trusting that he alone is god, and he alone is good.

*a side note: the cross was necessary for jesus to complete the atoning work of god to complete the work of salvation in our hearts. it was painful and there was suffering involved and most definitely uncomfortable - jesus didn't want to do it (remember how he begged god for another way in gesthemane?), but it was necessary for completion. jesus promises that his work in our lives is so that we are lacking nothing. hmm. i'll take the uncomfortable seasons of stretching and molding and breaking to be complete.