encouraging words

i'm holding on to the truth in this song:

love of my life
look deep in my eyes
there you will find what you need
give me your life
the lust and the lies
the past you're afraid i might see
you've been running away from me

you're my beloved
lover, i'm yours
death shall not part us
it's you i died for
for better or worse
forever we'll be
our love it unites us
and it binds you to me
it's a mystery

love of my life
look deep in my eyes
there you will find what you need
i'm the giver of life
i'll clothe you in white
my immaculate bride you will be
come running home to me

well, you've been a mistress, my wife
chasing lovers that won't satisfy
won't you let me make you my bride
you will drink of my lips
and taste new life

you're my beloved
lover, i'm yours
death shall not part us
it's you i died for
for better or worse
forever we'll be
our love it unites us
and binds you to me
it's a mystery

"beloved" by tenth avenue north

i want to really press into jesus - to know what it means to be his beloved, to experience him as the great love of my life, to have him satisy every need and desire.

in your wounds we hide

yesterday when i got home from work, i was going to go for a run, but was overwhelmed by the need to just be with jesus. i just wanted to sit at his feet and listen and talk and be. i know that might sound ridiculous, especially if 1. you aren't a christian, 2. you don't spend time with jesus, 3. you just think that sounds silly. either way, that's what i wanted. so that's what i did. i curled up on my couch with my bible, my journal, and my ipod and spent a good 3 hours with jesus. there are so many things i could share with you about those 3 hours, but i think what i was most challenged/encouraged/moved by is this simple truth:

the cross is necessary.

pretty basic, right? i mean, duh. i have known jesus for a long time, and i have studied his word (not as much as i should) a good bit, and i've been taught and discipled by some pretty incredible people, but all of a sudden, at 9:30 at night, sitting on my couch in my pajamas, i was put completely on my face by that fact. the cross - the death - the pain - the blood: it is all necessary. i don't know if i can really articulate all of the thoughts i'm having on this subject, but i'm going to try.

the cross is necessary for the remission of sins. and not just any cross or any death or any blood: jesus'. all throughout the old testament and in hebrews we're told that blood is necessary for the remission of sins. there has to be payment for sin. and when you think about it, that just makes sense, not only from a biblical view, but just in general: you do something bad, and you're punished and have to make it right. when i really stop and think about what sin actually does, it blows my mind. sin seperates us from god. it makes us evil and wretched and enemies and offends the one, true, holy god. without the blood of christ, this is all i would ever be. BUT because of christ's cross and his blood, there is forgiveness. he paid the ransom for my soul. he redeemed my lost heart. he washed away my sins. he made me righteous. he made me able to talk to god and hear from god and experience god and know god. one drop of his precious, royal, sinless blood, and he reconciled my heart to god's.

the cross is necessary for the every day grace that i live under. i'm free from the law and the shackles of sin, ONLY because of the blood of christ. because of sin, the wrath of god had to be poured out on someone. he poured it out on jesus - not on me. isaiah 53 says that "it pleased the father to crush him." it pleased him, because he is just and because his wrath was satisfied in the death of christ - in the spilling of his innocent blood - in the payment made in full. the moment by moment grace that i depend on to forgive others, to forgive myself, to make the right choice, to speak a kind word, to deal with the junk the life gives me, to believe in jesus, to study his word, to have faith, to trust him - that is only made possible through the cross.

the cross was necessary for life. only by the cross was jesus able to be resurrected to new life. there is the promise of sunday only because of friday. death had to preceed the resurrection. pain has to preceed the healing. sorrow has to preceed the joy. in one bent and twisted tree stands death and life, brokenness and healing, wrath and love, violence and peace, outcast and adopted, ugliness and beauty, unclean and righteous. jesus is in all of these things as i experience them in life, because he experienced them on the cross.

the cross was an ugly, violent and painful tool used to bring beauty, peace and healing. only our great god could create that brilliant plan. i love isaiah 53, because this is exactly what it teaches: through his pain, i am healed; through violence, i have peace; the weight of sin on his shoulders means that i am free of guilt and shame; he was cut off, so that i could be brought in; his death means my life; he became sin, so that i could be without sin. AH! the truth of the gospel is so astounding and so incredible.

i don't understand it all. i don't pretend to have grasped all of this and have it tucked away in my heart, but there are moments where i get a glimpse of jesus, and my breath is completely taken away. i hope that the weight of the cross and the spilled blood and the resurrection and the redemption breaks me every day. i hope that i am always mindful of the necessity of the cross in my life - all aspects of the cross. i hope that i never forget the power of the cross and the blood in my life for breaking, resurrecting, and healing. i hope that i am always moved to surrender because my heart is so thankful that jesus took god's wrath, and i don't have to. and i hope that i always remember that because of what jesus did on the cross, i am free to experience all of god's love and blessings, because he doesn't hold back.

some day

and some day maybe we'll figure all this out
try and put an end to all our doubt
and try to find a way to make things better now
and some day maybe we'll live our lives out loud
we'll be better off somehow
some day
(rob thomas)

remember the light at the end of my tunnel? yeah. it was a mirage.

i spent a glorious four days at edisto with my best friend, and while that seemed to provide some refreshing and renewing, i arrived back in greenville to find that my same old crap was waiting for me. so much for leaving my problems at the shore.

i told my mom this morning that i think i'm going crazy. she assurred me that i'm not going crazy; i'm going through a season. a season that she, too, had been through - along with everybody else - and a season that i may walk through again.

i feel like my life is on a treadmill. i'm running and running and not getting anywhere. had someone special in my life, messed that up, and now i'm back at square one. bought a house, moved out on my own, and now i'm lonely and looking for a roommate. got a great job, have been here two years, and feel i have no idea what i want to do with my life. i'm itching for a change of scenery or pace or faces or SOMETHING. jesus isn't missing - so before you go diagnosing my problem, don't. i'm searching jesus' heart like crazy. i have this weird desire to just move and start over. but then i think about why? why do i want to do that? it's because things aren't going the way i wanted them to. it's because i need to forget about someone i can't forget about. it's because i need to move on. it's because i'm bored. it's because i want more. all that's well and good, but everytime i get to this point in life (and i'm sure it will come again), i can't up and move. i can't start my life over. and really, when i think about it, starting over is only appealing in some aspects. making new friends, finding a new job, finding a new church - not easily done. i don't think i could do that again.

i have no idea what i want to do or where i want to be. i have these huge dreams and no idea how to make them happen. i have a list of things i want to do and see and experience, but no money or means by which to make them happen. so many people's lives are moving forward at what i (once) considered a "normal" pace: college, engagement, house, marriage, LIFE. i, however, do not fit that mold. and that's fine. it's not that i want to be like everybody else. it's just that i thought life would be different. i pictured "sex and the city" (minus the sex), and i ended up with "single in the suburbs." don't get me wrong: i love my life. i am happy. i am blessed beyond what i deserve. i just feel frustrated. i was so excited about a new opportunity that had opened up, only to have it slammed in my face this afternoon - after telling my mom new details about it five minutes before. i cannot for the life of me seem to let go of a relationship that i desperately need to let go of.

i don't know what season this is. i think it's that awkward transition between summer and fall. you don't know what to expect, can't plan what you're going to wear, brace for the unexpected, not too sure what to call it kind of deal. whatever it is: i pass. the only good thing is that it's only a season. here's what i know about seasons: they come and go. they always come again. they can have unexpected surprises. everybody in the world experiences them, just at different times. they all hold some sort of beauty. they are all necessary.

clinging to the truth that "whatever he gives is necessary. nothing he withholds is necessary."

the sky's made it's way back to blue

finally seeing some light at the end of the tunnel. i've been working really hard to get over this last heartbreak. yes. i said working. it has been work. it has been exhausting and painful and not fun. but it's beginning to be worth it. what's funny is that a lot of times i think we just say "okay jesus, fix it," without realizing that some times there are things we need to do in order to help fix the problem. for me, i had to take responsibility for my thoughts and emotions. i had to remember that i'm not supposed to allow myself to be trapped by my thoughts - i can't let my mind wonder. when i do, it's fatal. i have to constantly ask jesus to "take every thought captive" (2 corinthians 10:5). if i sit around and wallow in my thoughts, then i have to blame myself: jesus offers a way out, but i have to take it. i've also had to get a hold of my emotions. that directly follows getting my thoughts under control. it i'm sitting around thinking about what i miss, then naturally i get a little sad. i've also realized that it's okay to hurt and feel sad, but it's the attitude that reflects those things which is ugliest. i don't want to have a bad attitude. i don't want to be bitter. i don't want to be angry.

another thing i've noticed is that it is SO important to be careful who i surround myself with. so important. i don't really have anything else to say about that, but i'm excited about some new friendships that are forming. encouraging friendships with ladies (and guys) who point me to jesus.


i read a quote this morning that i loved: "don't give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about." while i really don't know why i can't get this person out of my head (or heart), i can't dwell on it - but i don't have to close myself to possibilities in the future. i think keeping an open heart and an open mind to WHATEVER god wants to do in my life is a beautiful but challenging thing. i can be excited and hopeful about whatever it is he wants to do, but i also have to remember that what he does might not be what i want. there's a fine line there, and i haven't quite figured out how to walk it. but i'm learning.

studied acts 4 yesterday. i think i'll try to keep y'all up-to-date with what i'm learning through my journey through acts. i'll break it down for you so you can keep up with where i'm at.

acts 4:
who - peter and john; priests; disciples and other followers

what - peter and john had healed the lame man in acts 3; they were arrested for preaching about jesus; when asked about how they had done it, peter and john carefully explained that it was only through jesus; the priests and rulers could find no fault, because they saw for themselves that the man was healed; they threated peter and john, and told them not to talk about jesus anymore; peter replied that they couldn't do anything else but talk about what they had seen and heard; the believers gathered together to pray, and the holy spirit fell on all of them - their numbers grew by thousands

when - after jesus had returned to heaven; after peter and john healed the lame man

where - jerusalem

why - the most practical thing i took away from this passage was that no matter what the circumstances or where they were or who was questioning them, any time peter and john opened their mouths they shared the gospel. the message never changed. they always only preached christ crucified and resurrected and gave a call to repentance. the message never changed. how often does the message of my life change? based on what i'm going through or where i'm at or what's happened or how out of touch with jesus i've been. i'm ashamed to say pretty often. in fact, i'm embarassed to think of what the message of my life has been the past 3 weeks. definitely not christ and his death and his resurrection and his victory and joy and peace and plan and love.

something else i noticed was that luke clearly says in this chapter that peter and john are uneducated, uneloquent men. they were dumb, dirty fishermen, in fact. but that didn't change their passion for the message of the cross. and it certainly didn't change the message's affect on the hearts that heard it. it's not the vessel, it's the message. it's not me, it's jesus. i need to repeat that often.

the last thing i want to share with you is that when all the believers gathered to pray and worship and fellowship together, after peter and john were released, the first thing they said was "lord, you are god." that's how they started. i had made a note in my bible when i studied this passage previously that said "they acknowledged that god is sovereign." i want my heart's cry every minute of every day to be "lord, you are god." not me. not my way - your way. not my will - your will. not my plans - your plans. not my desires - your desires. lord, YOU are god. that keeps me humble, and it keeps me at jesus' feet - where i need to stay. that phrase reminds me of something i saw on my brother's girlfriend's facebook profile:

"i want god's will, not mine. his blueprints, not my elementary scribbling. god's assignment, not my foolish plan."

lord, you are god. not me.

i am a crippled beggar

there seems to be no end in sight when you're walking through heartache. if i wasn't hurting before, i certainly am now. after a much needed conversation friday night, the person i care so deeply for and i are going our seperate ways, knowing how much the other cares, but believing that this is the best decision for us both. part of me wanted to fight him and argue about it, because this is not what i want - this is not the outcome i intended when i started this mess nearly three weeks ago. but because i do care about him (dare i go any further than that?), i want him to be happy; and if being happy is walking away from me, then so be it. it's weird to have someone walk into your life that you were totally blindsided by and have them change so much about your life and your heart in a relatively short amount of time. so, i will accept this change with grace, some tears, a lot of frustration with myself, and trusting that everything happens for a reason. jesus doesn't withhold good things.

i made it my goal to read a chapter of acts each day of may. acts is so encouraging and exciting, and i haven't read it through in several years. there are 28 chapters, and 31 days in may, so i figured even if i miss a few days, i'll still be able to finish by the end of the month. i was reading in acts 3 yesterday and found myself completely overwhelmed by what i was reading.

"Now Peter and John went up together to the temple at the hour of prayer, the ninth hour. And a certain man lame from his mother’s womb was carried, whom they laid daily at the gate of the temple which is called Beautiful, to ask alms from those who entered the temple; who, seeing Peter and John about to go into the temple, asked for alms. And fixing his eyes on him, with John, Peter said, “Look at us.” So he gave them his attention, expecting to receive something from them. Then Peter said, “Silver and gold I do not have, but what I do have I give you: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk.” And he took him by the right hand and lifted him up, and immediately his feet and ankle bones received strength. So he, leaping up, stood and walked and entered the temple with them—walking, leaping, and praising God. And all the people saw him walking and praising God. Then they knew that it was he who sat begging alms at the Beautiful Gate of the temple; and they were filled with wonder and amazement at what had happened to him." (acts 3:1-10)

this is why i was encouraged:
1. this man had been crippled since birth. all he had known was the ugly deformation of his legs. he sat outside the gate, called "beautiful," everyday, longing to walk through to the temple.

i am that same crippled man. though my legs and feet work just fine, my heart is crippled by heartbreak, sinful desires, wrong choices, disappointments, feeling inadequate, etc. because i live in a fallen world, my heart is twisted and deformed by sin. i see beauty and long for it, but it seems impossible that i would ever attain it.

2. the crippled man begged for crumbs - leftovers - whatever he could get - from anybody who would spare him a few seconds of attention. he might have hoped for more once, but learned to accept whatever was given to him.

i often accept crumbs. i see my situation as dire, and instead of taking all that jesus has to offer me - taking all of jesus himself - i settle for whatever i can get. i take crumbs in the form of what a man is willing to give me in a relationship, fulfillment i find in my job, big dreams that i've now diminished with my "practical" and "rational" thinking. i settle for less, because i don't always trust that my god is a big god with big plans for my little life. i assume heartache and failure, because it's what i've found to be true - and i don't seek jesus for anything beyond that.

3. the man gave peter and john his full attention, and when he did, he didn't get crumbs - he received complete healing: emotional and spiritual and physical.

i fly through prayers and quiet times and church services, expecting little from jesus and as a result, having my heart rarely changed and moved. the crippled man didn't expect anything more than the usual from peter and john. but when he looked at them and gave them his undivided attention, he gazed upon jesus - not two, dirty, poor fisherman. in that moment when he focused on jesus, he received healing. his shame and lonliness were transformed into unspeakable joy and feeling accepted. his deformed legs and feet were made straight and strong. his waivering faith was made firm, because for just one moment he trusted that something amazing could happen - and it did.

4. because of jesus, what had been ugly, deformed, broken, outcast, lonely and hurting, was made new and right, accepted, and healed. what once had to sit outside of the gate called "beautiful," longing to pass through, now leapt for joy inside the gate.

5. godly friends carry you to jesus. the crippled man's friends did the best they knew to do for him: every day they placed him in front of the gate to receive alms. but until peter and john came along, stopped what they were doing, and pointed the man to jesus, nothing ever changed.

i need my friends to point me to jesus when i'm hurting, when i'm sinning, when i'm happy, when i'm scared, when i'm lonely, when my cup runneth over with joy. i need them to always only point me to jesus.

this is my prayer: that i would know that kind of healing (really, that all my soul sisters would know that kind of healing, because who doesn't have some hurts and brokenness that could use fixing?). that i would look to jesus often and for more than a fleeting moment, and expect him to move and heal and fill up and change. that i would stop settling for less than what jesus wants to give me - the fullness of who he is. that i would never stop celebrating the times in the past that i have seen jesus heal and redeem and repair and make new. that i would be faithful to point each of my friends to jesus, no matter where they are or what their hang-up is. that i would stop sitting outside of the gate, but that i would let jesus carry me through every day.