back to you, it always comes around

my mother is the queen of rational thinking and good advice. today she told me that i needed to be careful not to "pigeon hole" people. now, if you're like me, you'd never heard this catchy little phrase before, and if you ask me, it sounds like some kind of rude gesture. but after further investigation i realized that she made a great point. let me "unpack" (in true perry noble form) this for you a little.

i've been sorting through a dating relationship recently, trying to figure it out, understand it, prepare myself what could or could not happen. i've been trying to decide how to handle it, what to do, what to say, what not to do, what not to say. there are some truths that i have realized about myself:

1. i am quick to write guys off - this is so regrettably true. my expectations are often unreasonable and absurd, and at the first sign of disappointment, i drop the relationship and move on.

2. i am quick to size up a situation - again, so true. i am so quick to decide if something will or will not work out, and then i act accordingly. fail.

3. i'm not perfect either - dang it. so many times, especially recently, i have found that i am at fault for problems in a relationship. while i like to place the blame on the guy or guys in the past who have made me the way i am today, a lot of the time if i just take a step back i realize that i could have done a lot of things differently.

4. i am scared - i am scared out of my mind to trust, to fall in love, to commit, to take a leap of faith and say "okay let's do this." i don't really have much else to say about this; i'm just scared.

those things said, i have come to the conclusion that i am very quick to pigeon hole people - particularly guys. i think a lot of girls share in this struggle. we start a relationship with a guy casually, then things progress, things get a little messy, and at the first sign of trouble we decide he's not perfect, so he can't possibly be the one. here's my take on this:

there is no such thing as the "perfect" guy. if you ask any married woman out there she will tell you that her husband, though she loves him completely and totally, is not by any stretch of the imagination perfect. and truth be told, i'm sick of searching for the perfect guy. guys are not a checklist. they are not a formula to figure out. there are not ten steps for understanding your man. there is no way to know what will or will not happen in any given relationship or any given situation. there is no way to size up a man based on imperfections or flaws. i'm so tired of people acting as though there's some magic step-by-step process for finding a guy, deciding if he's the one, and then proceeding accordingly. how unfair to approach a guy and a relationship that way. there's no way for me to know what's going to happen with my current relationship, because there is another person involved. a PERSON. not a formula. not a robot. not a checklist. he is a person. he changes. he messes up. he comes through with flying colors. he hurts my feelings. he makes me happy. he fails. he succeeds. he is a human being. i refuse to believe that by reading self-help articles about dating or relationships or deadly dating traps or whatever other kind of crap is floating around out there that i will be wiser and more equipped to handle this situation. he's a person that's not to be "figured out" - he's to be appreciated and honored and valued and trusted - and he should feel safe to do the same with me. it's not a matter of reading some article - having one fight - him messing up one time - and me saying "okay, well this is who he is and this is who he'll always be and this is how we're going to end up." this is true for ANY guy and ANY relationship - not just my current situation. i 100% believe that the only way to know if something will work is to try. and to try you have to give a little - you have to get involved - you have to let things get a little messy. you have to be willing to hurt a little. you have to be willing to be patient and wait a little. you have to be willing to be painfully honest. you have to be willing to sound like an idiot. you have to be willing to say the thing you need to say but you don't want to say. and if i'm scared, chances are, he's just as - if not more scared, too.

i'm tired of looking for the perfect guy. he's not out there. but there is a completely imperfect guy who's perfect for me. he'll mess up. he'll break my heart at times. he'll make me cry. he'll disappoint me. but he'll get it right occasionally. he'll make me happy. he'll make me smile. he'll encourage me. i don't want to be the girl who let a good guy get away, because i was too self-righteous to see all the good qualities through the flaws. i hope that a good guy can see my few good qualities through my many flaws. i don't want to approach him like a checklist. 1 corinthians 13 says that "love keeps no record of wrongs." i want to be quick to forgive, not keep score of shortcomings or disappointments. i think you have to be prepared to love somebody before you actually fall in love with them. you have to be willing - from the beginning - to be patient, to persevere, to go the extra mile, to try, to forgive and even forget - or you'll never even get to the place where you CAN fall in love. what guy can trust a girl who's throwing his mess-ups in his face all the time? what guy can trust a girl who's counting the times he hurts her? what guy can trust a girl who's demanding? what guy can trust a girl who's expectations are unattainable? i know that i need second chances - a lot of them. shouldn't i give second chances as easily as i accept them? when you find something you believe in, i think you have to.

so this is me throwing my checklist - my expectations (not my standards - totally different post for a different day) - my self-righteouness out the window.

like a sprained ankle, boy, i'm nothin to play with

i wanna show all my haters love
this song's for you
if you acted like me
and i was in your shoes
i'd probably hate on me too
-chamillionaire

i have a confession: i love rap music, and i always have.

i listen to it pretty much non-stop (when i'm not listening to john mayer, of course). i know you probably think less of me, but i don't really care.

some current favorites:
ice cream paint job - dorrough
good morning - chamillionaire
forever - drake, lil wayne, eminem
turn my swag on - soulja boy
empire state of mind - jayz and alicia keys
how low can you go - ludacris

listen. repeat. enjoy.

what is love? baby, don't hurt me - don't hurt me - no more

since love is in the air, i thought i'd follow up my last post with something i've been thinking on today. i've really been thinking about what it means to love somebody. not like them, not really enjoy spending time with them, but to really deep down in your gut-want to see them happy-need to have them in your life-do anything you can to be with them love them.

i've been pondering this quote all day:

do you want me to tell you something really subversive? love is everything it's cracked up to be; that's why people are so cynical about it. it's worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. and the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.

(erica jong)

love. "it's worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for." it's impossible to think about love without thinking about the creator and author and source of love: jesus. he makes everything about love absolutely true. or maybe everything we hear about love is absolutely true because of him. anyway. because of his love for me he fought for me - he was brave for me - he risked everything for me. it's not just a myth or a pretty, little saying or even a good idea. that's what love is. it's doing whatever it takes - giving more than you think you can give - taking less than you think you deserve - fighting like heck to protect this gift you've been given - risking everything, even your life. if my life should look like christ's, then shouldn't i love in that same way - romantically and otherwise? shouldn't i fight for it? shouldn't i give until i have nothing left to give? shouldn't i put the other person's needs above my own? shouldn't i protect the relationships i've been given? the answer is obvious: yes, i should. why?

because:

love never gives up.

love cares more for others than for self.

love doesn't want what it doesn't have.

love doesn't strut,

doesn't have a swelled head,

doesn't force itself on others,

isn't always "me first,"

doesn't fly off the handle,

doesn't keep score of the sins of others,

doesn't revel when others grovel,

takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,

puts up with anything,

trusts God always,

always looks for the best,

never looks back,

but keeps going to the end.

(1 corinthians 13:4-8, the message)

1 corinthians 13 had become overused and meaningless to me until i read this translation. moves my heart. jesus, help me to love - to fight for it, be brave for it, risk everything for it, and protect it.

love is all you need

if you know me, you know that i have a slight obsession with lyrics and quotes. today i decided to fill this post with some of my favorite words about love (hey, it's valentine's weekend). enjoy!

do you want me to tell you something really subversive? love really is everything it's cracked up to be. that's why people are so cynical about it. it really is worth fighting for, worth being brave for, worth risking everything for. and the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more. (erica jong)

love is the condition in which another's happiness is essential to your own. (robert heinlein)

when love is not madness, it is not love. (pedro calderon de la barca)

you are what i never knew i always wanted. (fools rush in)

place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, it's jealousy as enduring as the grave. love flashes like a fire - the brightest kind of flame. (song of solomon 8:6)

don't ask me to leave you and turn back. wherever you go, i'll go. wherever you live, i'll live. your people will be my people, and your god, my god. (ruth 1:16)

love is a choice you make from moment to moment. (barbara de angelis)

why love if losing hurts so much? we love to know that we are not alone. (cs lewis)

friendship is the finest balm for the pangs of despised love. (jane austen)

earth's the best place for love. i don't know where it's likely to go better. (robert frost)

where there is love, there is pain. (spanish proverb)

life is messy. love is messier. (catch and release)

dianne: nobody thinks this is going to work, do they?
lloyd: you just described every great success story.
(say anything)

i guarantee you there'll be tough times. i guarantee that at some point, one or both of us is going to want to get out of this thing. but i also guarantee that if i don't ask you to be mine, i'll regret it for the rest of my life - because i know in my heart that you're the only one for me.
(runaway bride)

a life without love is no life at all. (ever after)

you can't help who you love. you're not supposed to. (save the last dance)

la vita e bella. la vita e amore. life is beautiful. life is love. (life is beautiful)

if you're not willing to sound stupid, you're not worthy of falling in love. (a lot like love)

you have bewitched me - body and soul, and i love - i love - i love you. (pride and prejudice)

some of the best things in life are total mistakes. (paycheck)

love is a great beautifier. (little women)

the course of true love never did run smooth. (william shakespeare)

i'll follow you and make heaven out of hell; i'll die by your hand which i love so well. (william shakespeare)

journeys end in lovers' meeting. (william shakespeare)

doubt thou the stars are fire
doubt the sun doth move
doubt truth to be a liar
but never doubt thy love
(william shakespeare)

i want you. i want all of you. you and me. every day. forever. (the notebook)

reachin for the phone, cause i can't fight it anymore

picture perfect memories
scattered all around the floor
reachin' for the phone
'cause i can't fight it any more
and i wonder if i ever cross your mind
for me it happens all the time

it's a quarter after one
i'm all alone and i need you now
said i wouldn't call
but i've lost all control and i need you now
and i don't know how to do without
i just need you now

another shot of whiskey
can't stop starin' at the door
wishin' you'd come sweepin' in
the way you did before
and i wonder if i ever cross your mind
for me it happens all the time

it's a quarter after one
i'm a little drunk and i need you now
said i wouldn't call
but i've lost all control and i need you now
and i don't know how to do without
i just need you now

"need you now" by lady antebellum

this song is on repeat.