what it boils down to...

what a 24 hours. i feel like i've just come out of a major break up. it's been tough to say good-bye to someone when i don't really even fully understand why i'm saying good-bye. you know that ache you get in your chest when you miss someone? when you stare at your phone or your inbox or facebook just waiting for their name to pop up? i have that now. and it is an unhappy feeling. i don't even want my cell phone near me. i don't want to check my email, and i definitely don't want to get on facebook (but i do it anyway, just in case). the worst part is wanting to be with someone when you know the best thing for both of you is to not be together for a whole lot of reasons - some better than others. despite the numerous failed relationships and heartbreaks i've faced, it never gets easier. it never makes sense. knowing it's the best thing never brings any immediate revelation of why or any sudden comfort. knowing you've spared some hurt feelings never saves the ones already destroyed.



what has bothered me most about this current situation is what was said to me last night: "i don't understand your emotional situation. you're so closed off. i don't know what you think or how you feel about anything." that more than anything literally made my breath catch in my chest and scared me to death. what is wrong with me? i know that i'm difficult, that i'm guarded and work to keep myself protected, but i've never heard anybody else say it. nobody else has ever picked up on it and called me out like that. i didn't know it was affecting my ability to communicate and have a relationship. that bothers me. granted, this was a strange situation to begin with, but this person obviously got to know me pretty well to see this side of me - to see it and question it and try to figure it out. that fact in and of itself makes me question everything that i've said and every reason i've given for saying it. i'm outgoing and friendly and compassionate - most people never realize how much i really do struggle to trust people and to allow myself to be vulnerable. there are so few people who have ever known the most intimate workings and feelings of my heart. and that this person saw that and was sensitive to that. man. what worries me is that i'm preventing myself from doing something i so want to do: fall in love. am i setting myself up for repeated heartbreaks, because i am unable to let people in? i don't know what i do about this. i don't know how i melt myself down to become less defensive and protected. i don't know how to let people in, rather than trying to keep them out. i think one of the biggest ways i do this, as far as relationships are concerned, is that i have ridiculously high standards. i am realizing more and more that i set such high standards so that i can always find something that i don't like so that i can end it before i have to let the person get close and let the relationship move forward. wow. more and more i realize that i am the problem. i'm praying that somehow the lord would work in my heart, melt it down, and make me a little less worried about beng safe from other people. this is also a scary thought, because i don't want to push jesus away - i don't want to work to keep him out. if anything, i want to work to let him in.

so much to learn and change and grow and make better and let go of and accept.

i've come to realize

1. you can't change people. you either accept them - and all their faults - or you don't. but if you choose not to, you give up the potential to have beautiful, meaningful and very real relationships.

2. life is not a competition. it's not about who's skinnier, prettier, makes more money, or has a boyfriend. it's not about one-upping other people. it's not about who you know. my life is my journey.

3. the truth is, very few people actually care about the things you care about as much as you do (or at all). most people are quick to dismiss what you're going through to talk about things they are going through. how unfortunate.

4. i don't have to be perfect. i don't have to eat right all the time. i don't have to work out everyday. i don't have to look immaculate at all times. my body does not have to look like heidi klum's.

5. sometimes not telling anybody a secret you know if fun.

6. standing up for yourself is liberating. really.

7. brothers and sisters in christ who have become close friends are a tremendous blessing. they make life sweet.

8. if jesus isn't the heartbeat of your life, your life is meaningless.

9. kanye west is, in fact, a jack-you-know-what. this is the only time i have ever (and ever will)agreed with obama.

10. you really can tell god anything.

in other news: i bought a house! i am so blessed and excited to be able to do this at 23 years old! it's a big decision, but i feel so good about it, and i can't wait to see what the lord has in store for this next chapter of my life. i never thought i'd own a home alone - like without a husband - but there's no sense in sitting around waiting for life to begin when i'm married. who knows what jesus has in mind for me. this is my life, and i'm going to celebrate every moment of it.

destruction

I have built a city here
Half with pride and half with fear
Just wanted a safer place to hide
I don’t want to be safe tonight
I need You like a hurricane
Thunder crashing, wind and rain
To tear my walls down
I’m only Yours now
I need you like a burning flame
A wild fire untamed
To burn these walls down
I’m only Yours now
I’m only Yours now
I am Yours and You are mine
You know far better than I
And if destruction’s what I need
Then I’ll receive it Lord from Thee
Yes, I’ll receive it Lord from Thee
I need You like a hurricane
Thunder crashing, wind and rain
To tear my walls down
I'm only Yours now
I need You like a burning flame
A wildfire untamed
To burn these walls down
I'm only Yours now
I'm only Yours now
And it’s Your eye in the storm
Watching over me
And it’s Your eye in the storm
Wanting only good for me
And if You are the war
Let me be the casualty
‘Til I’m Yours alone
I am only Yours
I am Yours alone, Lord
-Jimmy Needham

i am obsessed with this song. i'm trying to get brave enough to pray it. the thing is, though, that i really do long for safety. i like for everything to be going well. smooth sailing - that's my kind of ride. i fear the unknown, and i'm scared of anything bad happening. i literally live in fear of something going wrong, especially times like right now when everything is going so well. i heard this song months ago, but i just started listening to it again. begging for destruction seems ludacris, but when you think about the truth behind the words in this song, it makes sense.

why do i crave being safe? it's about control. i need to know that i'm in control. why do i need to be in control? because my heart is full of pride. my heart rests its confidence in ashley, not in christ alone. i don't trust god. i don't take him at his word. i don't believe him when he tells me that his plans for me are designed for my good; that all things work together for my good; that he is the lord, and he only does wonderful things. the walls i build up to protect myself may seem to keep me safe, but in reality they leave me at risk for being in the most dangerous place of all - outside of god's will. i've been there. i don't want to be there again. it's a sad, lonely, and scary place. but the thing about it is, when god violently destroyed those walls, it was the most beautiful thing i've ever seen. and in that place of brokenness, that's when he was able to put me back together the way he wanted to. i forget so quickly that it's not about me. it's not about my safety. it's not about an easy trip. god cares more about my holiness than he does my happiness. that's not to say he wants me to be miserable. if you know anything about god's character, you know that his heart's desire is to bless us. but it's not to say that he won't destroy things in our lives that keep us away from him. the only safe place to be is right where god wants me to be. why am i holding on so tightly to things that aren't mine to begin with? why do i so desire to have control in my life when everytime i get what i want, it's wrong? why cannot trust that the lord is big enough and good enough and loving enough to only give me what is best for me? why do i live in fear instead of ultimate faith in the one is never surprised by anything that happens in my life?

i am wrestling with this idea right now. part of me is so close to throwing up my hands in surrender. the other part of me wants to hold on to the control that satan makes me think i have. lord, make me brave enough but humble enough to beg you to rip through my life and my heart like a hurricane.

yo tengo dormir

this past week has been one of the busiest and most exhausting of my life. let's go back to LAST weekend - the 14th, 15th, and 16th. i had to go to camden friday after work to do hair/make-up for a wedding on saturday morning. i hadn't really gotten to spend any time with my brother, so he and i stayed up til about 2:30 am watching movies and just hanging out. i had to be at the bride's house at 6:30 am, so i was up at 6. that's 3 1/2 hours of sleep. i did hair and make-up, came home and ate breakfast, got ready, went to the wedding and reception, got in my car and came straight back to greenville where i got re-ready and went out. liz and i ended up staying at john's until about 3 am. got up at 9 the next morning to head to clemson to help gray move into his new house. got home at 4, went to the gym and worked out hardcore, met liz at the grocery store, then had john, joe, and aaron over for a huge dinner. john, joe, and liz and i ended up staying up til about 1 eating ice cream and watching talking. then began my week of moving. good grief. i worked every night (with jaime and liz) til about midnight (or later) packing and moving huge, heavy, cumbersome boxes to lindsey's house. all this on top of waking up at 6:30 am, working all day, and working out in the evenings. friday night we ended up going out with john and stayed out til about 2, then i was up until 3:30 taking care of a situation. i got up at 9 on saturday morning to workout and take care of a few last minute things before my mom and the movers came. we moved all day, and i was unpacking, organizing, unloading all day. at 8 liz and i got ready and went to dinner and ended up staying up til about 2 watching a movie. we got up at 9 and went to church, and after church i went to the grocery store, took 2 more loads (the last loads - finally) from my apartment to the new house, and went to bed, bath and beyond. i finished unpacking everything but my bathroom (since i don't technically have one), put together a shoe rack, and did a little rearranging/decorating. i was up until 3 am, because i couldn't sleep and because i was talking. i got up at 8:30, ate some cereal, then started getting ready for work, which was quite the ordeal considering my bathroom situation.

to say that i am worn out is the understatement of the century. my body is covered in bruises from moving furniture and boxes and tripping over crap i have laying around everywhere. my muscles are sore from working out on top of lifting and carrying and moving. i am completely wiped out. but there's no rest for the weary. i have something every night this week and another very busy weekend. i can't really see the light at the end of the tunnel yet - but i'm trying to depend on grace to just get me through each moment. i am VERY ready for september 7th - labor day, and a VACATION day! oh man. i can't wait to sleep. i bet i sleep all day long, and that's just fine. i'm going to let myself sleep all day and do absolutely nothing. i've earned it.

you live - you learn

maybe the happy ending is knowing that through all the unreturned phone calls, the broken hearts, the misread signals, all the pain and embarrassment, you never gave up hope.

-he's just not that into you

i think there comes a point in every woman's life when you finally realize what you deserve. for me, that point came thursday afternoon while sitting at brick street with my two best friends. after months of agonizing over the same guy, analyzing the same words and signals, and anxiously wondering what it all could mean, lindsey said this to me: "ashley, don't take this the wrong way, but he's not really chasing you." bam. she was right. i fought back a little emotion since we were in public and all, but as i let the weight of her words settle in, i realized that she was so right. the simple truth of the matter is that he's just not that into me.

after another conversation with liz and my mom yesterday while moving gray into his new house in clemson, i realized that if it's not worth it, then it's just not worth it. end of story. if i'm not getting back what i'm giving, then it's not worth it. if he's not making an effort, it's not worth it. if he can't follow through with what he's said, it's not worth it. after 23 years of waiting, why waste my wait trying to make an undeserving man do something he's just not going to do? why not keep waiting - and living the heck out of the wait - on the guy who's going to make everything so easy for me that i won't have to wonder or worry or ask questions?

i have realized lately that i have a lot to learn about life and about love. so much of me is so bitter towards the entire male population, that i have basically written off the possibility of there being any good guys left in the world. that's unfair. how can i be open to love and relationships if i'm cynical and angry and expecting every guy to treat me unfairly and hurt me? that in and of itself is unfair of ME. i will never meet anybody if that's my attitude - and that's nobody's fault but my own. i have no idea who or what or when god has in store for me, but if i spend my time doubting and being mad and hating all men and focusing on all the negative then i will definitely miss it.

it's interesting when you realize that you are the problem after all. dang it.