it's a bittersweet symphony

life is weird. and confusing. and sometimes it's just hard. my mom sent me this forward this morning:

A Brand-New Ending

"To keep understanding is to prosper." Proverbs 19:8

Ordinarily people talk about a brand-new beginning, but the beginning is just a means to get to the ending. Spiritual writers like Neville have said that we must see from the end. This makes tremendous sense, in order to get to the end we must envision it, and walk towards it. We must not allow distractions to get in our way.

A successful racehorse has blinders on. The successful racehorse does not worry about the other horses, but only runs his own race which is against only himself.

No one can go back and make a brand new start. Anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
God didn't promise days without pain and laughter, or without sorrow, sun, and without rain, but God did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

Disappointments are like road bumps; they slow you down a bit but you enjoy the smooth road afterwards.
Don't stay on the bumps too long. Move on!

When you> feel down because you didn't get what you want, just sit tight and be happy, because God has thought of something better to give you.

When something happens to you, good or bad, consider what it means. There's a purpose to life's events, to teach you how to laugh more or not to cry too hard.

You can't make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved; the rest is up to the person to realize your worth.

It's better to lose your pride to the one you love, than to lose the one you love because of pride.

We spend too much time looking for the right person to love or finding fault with those we already love, when instead we should be perfecting the love we give.

Never abandon an old friend. You will never find one who can take his or her place. Friendship is like wine; it gets better as it grows older.

If your life isn't exactly what you want right now, it is time to start a brand-new ending.

The five simple rules to start a brand-new ending:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

no man is an island

i am the only single person in the world!! oh my gosh!! this has got to stop!!

okay i feel better now. but seriously. i don't mind being single, but just because i don't mind it doesn't give everybody else permission to go off and meet somebody and LEAVE ME!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh rawrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

deep breath.

and i'm good.

sorry about that.

let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

it is a beautiful thing to be able to look back on a relationship that ultimately hurt you with joy and fond memories. i can finally do that. it's a relief to remember good times and funny moments, although sometimes the inevitable dark cloud of reality shadows them. at least now i remember them. for a while i had completely blocked out a year and a half of my life. now i remember, and although there is fleeting joy in remembering the fun, there is still hurt and sadness over the loss of a friend and still confusion over the inside jokes and laughs over things that were not real. i came across something yesterday with the name "rhett" in it from two years ago. it was a weird feeling. kind of like a twinge of happiness and ache and fondness and loss and love and sadness all at the same time. which is weird, considering. i'm not sure when those feelings will stop, but the thing that keeps me hopeful (and sane) is that edges of those feelings are less sharp than they were last year. they don't pierce near like what they used to. and for that, i'm thankful.

now that i've bored you with my melodrama, let me share some verses from psalm 37 with you:

trust in the lord and do good
dwell in the land and feed on his faithfulness
delight yourself in the lord
and he shall give you the desires of your heart
commit your way to the lord
and he shall bring it to pass
he shall bring forth your righteousness as the light
and your justice as the noon day
rest in the lord and wait patiently for him...
...do not fret - it only causes harm
(verses 3-7a and 8b)

what really captures me is "feed on his faithfulness." another version talks about enjoying the pasture. naturally, i think of cows grazing out in a green pasture with wide open blue skies and puffy white clouds rolling by. cows graze all day. they eat slowly, at their leisure, whenever they want. that's how god wants us to enjoy is faithfulness. to graze on it all day long. to enjoy it. to rest in it. what promises are found in these verses! he will give me the desires of my heart (when my desires have become like his); he will bring my plans to fruition (when my plans are shaped like his); he will make me holy like himself! beautiful.

heavenly sunshine

sunshine is delicious. rain is refreshing. wind braces us up. snow is exhilerating. there's really no such thing as bad weather, just different kinds of good weather.

-john ruskin

i completely agree. but let me just say here and now that the weather we have had the past 5 or so days has been PERFECT. i would take 80 degrees and a clear blue sky with sunshine any day of the year. there is something about this weather that makes me feel so happy and so content and so...ALIVE! i love it. i love driving with my windows down and my sunroof open and my arm hanging out the window blasting my favorite music. i don't even care if my hair gets messed up from getting tangled up by the wind. i love how the breeze makes it cool, but the sunshine shooting down from my sunroof makes my shoulders and face and the tops of my legs warm. i love reading on my porch in the evenings when i get home from work. i love wearing my cute, spring dresses to work everyday. i love that it's actually fun to be outside right now - it's not too cold, and it's not too hot. i love that nighttime is still cool enough to throw on a sweatshirt and sit outside and look at the stars. which brings me to my next point.

when i look at the stars i feel like myself.

-switchfoot

so true. i pretty much feel like "ashley" all the time, but if you know me, then you know i love the stars (don't be fooled by the failing grade i took in astronomy sophomore year). i mean, i LOVE the stars. i hang my head out the window at night (of a moving car) to stare at them. i frequently stop in the middle of parking lots to gaze up at the sky. i truly love them. and i think, in a way, i really do feel more like myself when i gawk at them. i realize how small i am, and how big God is. i mean, He is BIG. i'm insignificant, and umimportant, and pretty transient. BUT (and what an i mportant but it is), God loves me. oh, He loves me! i am valuable, and i am treasured, and He delights in me, and He desires me! God made all of the glorious creation i see, and it does exactly what it should do: it points to Him; it brings Him glory. but then he made me, and although the thing i do best is mess up my life, He loves me and i'm chosen and called out and blessed and favored! incredible.

feelin' kinda sunday

i feel kind of weird lately. kind of out of sorts. it boils down to one thought, and you're probably going to get mad at me and think i'm a pagan and that i've lost my mind. that's fine. you're entitled to your opinion. but at some point, you've probably felt like i do right now - you just weren't pagan enough to admit it. and let me credit "a scandalous freedom" right quick for sparking these feelings in me. so here it goes:

i am so sick of christianity.

now before you get all up in arms and start praying for me and for the purging of my soul, i am not over god my father or jesus christ or what he did for me. that's NOT what i'm saying, and if you go tell somebody that's what i said, then you are a liar. i'm just tired of the routine. i'm tired of living life the way i live it because i think that's how i'm supposed to live. i'm tired of stepping around on eggshells around christians and non-christians alike. i'm tired to reading my bible most days because i "have" to. i'm tired of sitting in bible studies talking about superficial, sunday school topics that i've memorized. i'm tired of hearing christians say "god is in control," "i'm praying for you," and "the lord has a plan," because we all know that a lot of times these things become our excuses for not doing jack squat. i'm tired of non-moving christianity that never changes. this is absolutely NOT what god had in mind.

i know that this is my own problem, but i do think that society's "christianity" is partially to blame. we try so hard to be christians, that we stop letting jesus make us like himself. let's just be honest: i can't make myself do anything differently or change my heart or even just act the right way. so what have i done about this? well, quite honestly: i read my bible last night for the first time in a week and a half. i had a real, honest talk with the lord for the first time in the same amount of time. i didn't read my bible or pray, because i didn't want to do it out of habit or guilt or fear. and those are the reasons i would have been doing it. so i just didn't. and you know what? it was liberating. take that for being a pagan.

so what did i tell jesus during this talk? that i was sick of being a christian. that i was tired of being tired from trying so hard. that i was sick of reading my bible and praying. that i was completely over striving to act the right way. and part of me was cringing the whole time i was saying these things, because you're certainly not supposed to say those things to jesus, but you know what? i think jesus was screaming "FINALLY!!" i think he was rejoicing that i was finally realizing how enslaved i've become to christianity. paul never once writes that he's a bondservant of religion or of christianity or of routine or of reading his bible or of prayer. he's a bondservant of CHRIST. and jesus tells us that his yoke is easy and light. so obviously i haven't been a bondservant of his, because the yoke i've been carrying has been pretty heavy. but, i've laid it down. actually, i more like pitched a fit and threw it down, but whatever.

honestly: i don't feel all that different. i still feel a little guilty about my attitude and my actions, and i still feel part of myself trying to squeeze me back into that little box of "this is what you do and this is how you act." but i just keep asking jesus to help me focus on him. to help me let him love me and to help me love him back. if i just let him love me - really let him love me - then i can't help but just be consumed by him and captivated by him and fall in love with him. and that's when life changes. not when i'm running myself ragged doing all the right things and trying to be all the right things.

so i quit. i'm not doing it anymore. i'm not doing things because i think i have to. if i'm not doing it out of love - as a response to the love i receive - i'm not doing it all. and that might sound like an excuse to be lazy (and not actually do anything), but i know that the lord loves me enough to change me so that i love him more and more and more and so that i want to respond to his great love. i'm not living by routine and religion and church talk and saying the right things and doing the right things anymore. because the truth is, i just don't really care what you think. i'm not measuring myself by what you do or don't do, by what the church says is right or wrong, or anything else. my goal is jesus. it's as simple as that: i should look like jesus. and i'm not getting there doing it the way i'm "supposed" to. i'm shaking up my relationship with him, and i'm not going to try anymore. when i strive, i completely void what he did on the cross. if i have to try, there is no point to what he did. he came and did because i can't. i simply can't.

phew. i feel better already. but if you are living the same way i was living, i hope you don't feel better. i hope you feel uncomfortable and offended. and i hope jesus helps you to even just glimpse of the freedom he's offering, so that you can give up with me. this is about to be exciting. : )