ps i forgot

quote/lyric of the day:

so we are his portion, and he is our prize
drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes
if grace is an ocean we're all sinking
so heaven meets earth and it's just like a kiss
and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
i don't have the time to maintain these regrets
when i think about the way
he loves us
oh, how he loves us
oh, he loves us
oh how he loves

don't tell me that doesn't move your heart.

a few of my favorite things...

to see:
1. my family
2. candles in windows
3. tigers run down the hill
4. stars, stars, and more stars
5. sunshine

to smell:
1. fresh flowers
2. salty air at the beach
3. that burning smell of fall
4. hamburgers on the grill
5. romance by ralph lauren

to taste:
1. strawberries
2. sweet tea
3. macaroni and cheese
4. mom's homemade lasagna
5. dad's swedish meatballs and homemade mashed potatoes

to hear:
1. tiger rag in death valley
2. victory in jesus
3. john mayer. period.
4. christmas music for the first time (usually right after halloween)
5. a song i've been waiting to hear on the radio

to visit:
1. clemson
2. camden
3. the beach
4. houston
5. charleston

to do:
1. dance
2. read
3. watch movies
4. sleep
5. road trip

in your atmosphere

i've decided to try something different. because i'm obsessed with lyrics and quotes and the likes, i'm going to post them on my blog. whatever i've come across for that day. i just bought a cd from matchbox 20 (number 2 on my list), and found the following lyrics:

tell me how we're gonna make it last

you're ready to fly

i'm ready to crash

don't go

-cold

life ain't no beauty show

we don't know where tomorrow ends

and when we're sad it's kind of a drag

-all i need

and my favorite:

it hits you so much harder

than you ever thought it would

but you don't worry

cause you got soul

-soul

also, if you're wondering, i have a list of top 3 all time favorite musicians. they are as follows: john mayer, matchbox 20, and coldplay. 9 times out of 10 john mayer/matchbox are playing in my car. sometimes coldplay, but i reserve them for times when i need them. and yes - sometimes i need coldplay.

wrestlemania

"need and struggle are what excite and inspire us."

-william james

i used to think that my goal in life was to be happy and content all the time - that that was the mark of somebody walking closely with jesus. now i have realized that that is no life at all. where's the living if i'm never challenged or confused or frustrated? since i take advantage of the opportunity to be completely honest when i write here, i'm going to share with you what's going on in my life right now. last night i was watching the finale of the bachelor (the second finale, that is - thank you, abc), when lo and behold, the host introduced jillian (a previous contestant on the bachelor) as the next bachelorette. i thought to myself, and then consequently said out loud: "how ridiculous. who wants to fall in love not in real life? that's not really love." after i thought about this for a second, i quickly realized, oh yeah, i know that to be true - love that's not in real life isn't real and ends in heartbreak. i was so angry at myself after i had that thought. why do i always think about something that happened in my past? why does it affect me so much? why can't i just forget everything that reminds me about it? this began a great struggle between me and the lord that hasn't ended yet.

when i was safe in the solitude of my own car, i started asking god all of these questions. i don't understand. why do i still struggle with this? why do i still hurt? why can't i just shake it off? why do i feel like you want me to share my story if remembering can be so uncomfortable? i don't have any clear-cut answers, but there are some things that he was gracious enough to help me see. the most important thing i realized is that the event and the trauma it caused me has multiple layers. the quick-fix of a band-aid isn't going to cut it for this wound. it's been almost two years, but only now am i beginning to see how i've gone through phases. kind of like an onion - there are a lot of layers to peel back before you get to the good part (well, i don't really like onions, so to the edible part, at least). i've been angry, i've been sad, i've felt loss, and sometimes i've felt all of those. i don't know why it happened, i don't know why i struggle with it so much, and i don't know why god can't just zap it out of my memory, and that frustrates me to no end. i don't WANT to be reminded of it or of a person who isn't real. somebody told me in high school: we try to zap ourselves out of uncomfortable, painful situations and emotions super quickly - but we don't realize that staying in it, sticking it out, exploring it, and letting jesus deal with it is what we need. i don't really know what this means for me, other than i need to cut myself some slack, and understand that healing takes time. and i need other people to cut me some slack, too. be sensitive. i'm not a drama queen, but sometimes i just need to sort things out and talking about it helps. yes - STILL.

next struggle: i've just kind of been wrestling with god over some random things lately. japan. marriage. dating. freedom. i'm reading scandalous freedom for a class i'm taking at church (holler back brushy creek), and it's challeged the HECK out of me. i would like to blame this book, actually, for the source of this struggle. when i've really thought about being free, i think about how i'm free to choose. how i'm free to not do what god wants, i'm free to marry whoever i want/date whoever i want, do whatever i want. and part of me, you better believe, wants to do just that: whatever. i. want. i don't have any definite decisions to make right now, but i may have to make some in the near future (there are some things brewing), and when i think about what i would do - i WANT to say have thine own way, god, but when i think about this freedom that he's given me, it just makes it this struggle that i'm not used to.

i realize that this blog is probably confusing and you can't really follow what i'm thinking about. i am extremely thankful and kind of just in awe of my god who allows me this freedom and this struggle. he's okay with me wrestling with him and asking him questions and basically just fighting him on stuff. obviously he wants me in his will, but the struggle before i submit - he's okay with that. and i think that's interesting. i'm not used to feeling like it's okay for me to struggle. i grew up in a church where i was supposed to have it all together and have this perfect walk with christ that never faltered. that's garbage. this struggle, this constant struggle between me and jesus - THIS means that i'm walking with him. that i'm fighting to know his will and to make his will my own. i'm walking closely enough with him to know his will, and i know my own sinful self well enough to know that it's not always (or even usually) the thing i want to do. i think life is found in the struggle. and it's kind of beautiful, in a way, to think about it like that. in the moments where i'm restless and unsettled, that's when i challenge what i've always known to be true. and if even in the struggle, jesus loves me and is gentle and patient, and probably even laughs at me, then what i believe is definitely true. the reality is a lot of the time, i really want it my way, and even more disgusting than that: i would choose my way over his. but the saving grace in my story of adultery is that he loves me too much to ever let me go. i might struggle and fight against him, but even in the struggle i'm safe.

okay i tried to wrap this blog up about 20 lines ago, but i'm serious this time. i'm sure you think i'm crazy and that i'm a condemnable sinner (you are right). that probably doesn't make any sense, but it's just kind of the outpouring of my heart/head right now. so even though i'm kind of wrestling with god, i know that's okay - and i feel all the more joyful, and grateful, and hopeful, and alive for it.

i was just reminded of moses, abraham, david, job, and jonah. if you don't know why, go read their stories.

when crickets cry

i have read more in the past few months than i have in a long time. and i love it. i'd forgotten how much i genuinely love to read. mrs. krause has recommended several of the books that i've read, and i just finished "when crickets cry" upon her recommendation. it was wonderful. it was also strange for me to read. three characters in the book, emma, annie, and reese suffer from a heart condition called atrial septal defect. guess who else has asd? me. emma and annie both have severe cases of the condition, while reese's is manageable and doesn't really affect him. my condition is like his. for those of you wondering what asd is: when you're in the womb, your oxygen comes through your mother's blood. there is a hole between the top two chambers of the heart, allowing blood to flow between the chambers, because there is no need to regulate where the oxygen-rich and oxygen-poor blood goes. the hole is supposed to close up after birth, and in some cases (like mine) it doesn't. this can be a problem for a couple of reasons: more oxygen-poor blood is circulating throughout your body (making it difficult to breathe, making you tired), the hole can enlarge and create really big problems, and clots can occur if the blood isn't thin enough. in my case, the hole is tiny, and i rarely experience any side effects. i take an aspirin every day to keep my blood thin. i also have something called atrial septal aneurysm. that sounds very scary, but it just means that because of the asd, the wall between the top two chambers of my heart bulges out - a lot. it only becomes a real problem if there is leakage between the two chambers. in my case, there doesn't appear to be. because of the asd and asa, i have to take the aspirin, and anytime i have any procedure (having my teeth cleaned at the dentist, having my finger pricked - whatever it is), i have to take heavy duty antibiotics the week of the procedure, to ensure that i don't get an infection and spread the infection throughout my blood. it gets better. there is a part of your heart called the sinus node. the sinus node controlls the electrical currents in your heart that keep it beating and the rhythm in which it beats. sometimes my sinus node gets confused and causes my heart to skip a beat and jump in to an erratic and super fast (like scary fast) pulse rate. this hasn't happened for a while (thank God), but when it does it's pretty scary. it usually happens after i run or do any kind of cardio activity, although it's happened after climbing a few stairs. it doesn't become a problem unless my heart beat doesn't change back to a regular pulse. fortunately, that hasn't ever happened.

so all that said, it was a little weird for me to read a book where one of the characters dies from atrial septal defect, and where another nearly dies from the same thing. for a long time i lived in constant fear of my heart conditions, always worried that i was just going to drop dead. that sounds ridiculous, but when you have no idea any of this is going on in your body until you're 20 years old, it's pretty scary. thankfully, my conditions are not life threatening, and are completely manageable with aspirin, regular visits to the cardiologist, antibiotics, and knowing my heart. most of the time i forget i even have any of these problems, because they just don't bother me. that wasn't the case in the beginning though. i made myself sick with worry over the possibility of needing a heart transplant, having a heart attack, or rupturing the aneurysm in my heart. my cardiologist reminded me time and time again that i was okay and that i was not going to have any complications, and that i could do anything and everything that i want to do.

although i don't usually worry about my heart anymore, sometimes i still think "i wish i just had a new heart," because then i'd have nothing to worry about ever. a verse that "when crickets cry" uses over and over is ezekiel 36:26:

"moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh."

i LOVE that verse. it reminds me that God is holding my heart in His hand, but also that He can fix my physical heart and my spiritual heart. it also reminds me of another verse, psalm 73:26:

"my heart and my flesh may fail me, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

i'm so thankful that the hole in my heart wasn't just a tiny bit bigger, and that it hasn't caused life-threatening problems for me as it does for some. God's providence in my life is unbelievable. i should have a cheerful heart all the time.