nearly six months have passed since my last post. how is that possible?! here is your out: this is going to be a LONG post. if you have laundry to fold, kids to pick up, or a nap to take, you should probably just click the x in the top right corner and be done with it. cause this is gonna be a long read.
when i last wrote on sunday, december 13th, i didn't know that it would only be FOUR days until our sweet baby boy arrived! we were expecting it to be the following week. here's a little run down of what happened that week:
our precious birth mother was such a trooper. she was suffering from gestational diabetes and elevated blood pressure. she was doing everything she was supposed to do to take care of herself and the baby, but her body was not cooperating! she had been going to the doctor twice a week for several weeks, and we were really just sitting on go at any time. she went monday morning, and we were really hoping the doctor was going to take the baby then. however, he told her to come back wednesday morning. we were disappointed, but still knew that at the latest we would have a baby the following week. our birth mother had other plans! she was bound and determined to have the baby that week, and she didn't let us down! i don't know what she did wednesday morning, but at 9:30 that morning she texted me a picture of her check-in papers for labor and delivery the next day! whoa. i was in the middle of the last week of school before christmas break, and things were CRAZY! i gathered what i could, left my awesome room moms in charge, and bolted out the door to get ready to have a baby!
we woke up early thursday morning around 4. kenny and i were both nervous and excited; we were super quiet all morning and as we drove in the dark 45 minutes to the hospital. we got there at 6, and settled in. our birth mom was already checked in, and she was already in labor, so we were thinking we may have a baby by lunch time - that's what the doctor had told us at her last appointment. 6 hours later and no baby. at this point, my mom and aunt had trickled into the waiting room with lunch and to keep us from going crazy. kenny's parents came over later that afternoon. we had random check ins with our birth mom and her doctors, but nothing much was happening. it was the absolute longest day of our lives. around 5 our birth mother's doctor came to talk to us. he told us that the baby was, basically, stuck, and no progress had been made. he was going to give our birth mother until 6 to make some progress, and if she hadn't, he would do an emergency c-section. the hour came and went with no progress. at 6:10 the doctor came and told us that we would have a baby within the hour. WHAT?! WE'RE NOT READY! OMG! WHAT'S HAPPENING?! he talked us through what would happen, and told us not to go anywhere, that a nurse would be back for us in a few minutes. at 6:20 a nurse came to get us. everyone in the waiting room - including both of our families and all of the random friends we had made throughout the day - said good bye with teary eyes, and we were off to meet our boy!
the nurse walked us back to an operating room. she walked us through the procedure for the c-section, and told us what would happen once the baby got to us. our birth mother wanted him to come directly to us to be cleaned up and have his vitals checked. the nurse told us it would be about 20 minutes. kenny and i paced that tiny room up and down. we talked nervously, laughed about the fun to come, and then spent those last few moments quietly taking in everything that had brought us to that point. we saw our birth mother roll by on her way to her operating room. they had left our door about halfway open, and they left her door half way open, too. at 6:51 we heard our miracle baby's first cry from across the hallway. about one minute later he was there. this tiny, perfect gift that we had prayed for and wanted and waited for was there. jesus has answered thousands of prayers throughout my life time, but this answered prayer, all 10 pounds of him, was so real, so tangible, and so incredible. i've never seen kenny so in awe. i, of course, was sobbing. i think at one point i was even on my knees. our nurses were sobbing. but kenny, kenny was just elated; he just stared at that baby - our baby! - the whole time the nurses were cleaning him up. well, that and trying to get his crazy, crying wife under control. by 7:15 that sweet angel was nestled in my arms, right where he belonged. what a feeling! i got my hospital bracelet and that officially linked the baby to me. i was a mama!! our sweet nurses went and snuck back all of our families. there were probably 15 of us crammed in that tiny room. it was hot and crowded and kenny and i were exhausted, but it was perfect, and i'll never forget it. i fed the baby his first bottle, and then they whisked him (and me) away to the nursery for his first bath. after he was cleaned up, i was allowed to dress him, and i wheeled him in his plastic bassinet down the hall to our own little hospital room. this was the most surreal experience of my life. we couldn't spend the night with him, so we left the hospital late that night to get some rest and head back early the next morning.
we were back at the hospital by 7:30 the next morning ready to spend the day with our boy! because our birth mother had a c-section, we weren't expecting her to sign TPR (termination of parental rights) until saturday. there is no feeling in the world like the feeling you have while lingering in that space of time between meeting your baby, and your baby officially becoming "your baby." i was so nervous i was sick. i knew - really, i knew deep down in my heart - that he was our's. i knew our birth mother had chosen us and loved us and wanted us to have him. i felt like god had already given him to us. but waiting for everything to come to pass, knowing that there was still a chance our birth mother could change her mind, was one of the most difficult things i've ever faced. thankfully, our attorney was a miracle-worker, and surprise! - we were able to sign papers friday afternoon. everything was official by 5:00 friday afternoon. unbelievable relief - the first relief and easy breathing we had had in months! we stayed with the baby until late that night, went home, got about 3 hours of sleep, and were back at the hospital saturday morning to take our little one home! putting that car seat in the car and driving away from the hospital was one of the BEST feelings i have ever felt! we got home around lunch time, and now here we are, six months later! the adoption was finalized a couple of months ago, and we are officially, legally, and FOREVER a family! on the day of our hearing, we were sitting in the lobby waiting for our case to be called. someone came out and called for "john doe." kenny and i didn't move, but our attorney hopped up and said, "that's us!" john doe. it had never struck me that technically our sweet baby was a nameless, parentless orphan. that realization broke my heart. the judge reviewed our case; kenny and i both took the stand; and then she said, "i've reviewed your case, and i have decided to grant your adoption. he is your child." so many tears. he is mine! oh, what a good gift adoption is, and what a taste of the gospel we have been given. the gospel is so good. so sweet. and i would never know it the way i do now if we hadn't struggled with infertility, chosen to adopt, walked through this journey, and brought our boy home. thank you, jesus, for allowing us to experience the gospel this way. friends, adoption matters. it is so close to the heart of god. wherever you are in life, consider fostering or adopting. there are over 132 million - as in 132,000,000 - orphans in the world right now. 132 million. many of these would be legally FREE adoptions! as in these precious children are being GIVEN away, and nobody wants them. friends - believers - how can we stand by and allow this?? we are called to love and care for the orphans! so many of us are worried about all the stray animals of the world, and that's good and right. but why aren't we worried about the babies with no homes? children who are unloved? boys and girls with no mamas and daddies to take care of them? david platt said it best: "it is important to realize that we adopt not because we are rescuers. no. we adopt because we have been rescued."
the past six months have been the most wonderful of my life! mothering is truly more amazing, more fun, and more rewarding that i could have ever dreamed. it has blown every expectation out of the water. (it's also really hard, so everything's not always rainbows and butterflies. just sayin.) there is so much more to add, and i'm going to try to update more often, but there have been so many people who have asked how everything happened - and most (if not all) of those people prayed our sweet baby home to us, so i feel like i owe them the story! life is so rich because of this road we have journeyed and the place the lord has brought us to. it has been hard, yes. i have doubted and argued and questioned and screamed and cried and complained, yes. but the hard is worth it a thousand times over when i walk in to a sweet, grey nursery, peek over the side of the crib, and see those big, blue eyes, that crooked grin, and hear that precious little laugh. he is worth it.
and we can't wait to do it again...!
Monday, June 6, 2016
Sunday, December 13, 2015
baby on the way
december is finally here! it's hard to believe that my last post was in august, and we had just been matched with our precious birth family. we have diligently been counting down the months, weeks, and now just days until our sweet baby is here. we've been preparing since july 24th, the day we found out we were "paper pregnant." well, really we've been preparing for two-and-a-half very long years. and i, well, i've been preparing to be a mama my whole life. this baby is so loved already. so wanted.. for a very long time this baby was just a distant, far off wish i hoped would come true. and now here we are. just days away from meeting this baby that will change our lives, and our hearts, forever.
this morning as i sat in church, i was suddenly overwhelmed by a thought: this isn't the only baby we are celebrating this christmas season. and this baby certainly isn't the most anxiously awaited baby to ever be born.
come, thou long expected jesus
born to set thy people free
from our fears and sins release us
let us find our rest in thee
israel's strength and consolation
hope of all the earth thou art
dear desire of every nation
joy of every longing heart
i know i've said it many times, but this adoption has taught me so much about my relationship with christ. as much as we have longed for this baby, it is nothing compared to the collective groan and depth of longing the whole of creation cried out with as it waited for the glorious revelation of jesus christ. creation waited once for christ, and he came as a baby in a manger. creation is waiting once again for him, and when he returns - and friend, he will return for us - he will come as a mighty victor.
adoption is an incredible picture of the gospel any time of year, but kenny and i are especially excited that our adoption is happening at christmas. because jesus came, and he himself was adopted by his earthly father, joseph, we are able to be adopted by god our heavenly father.
we could not be more excited to meet our baby. but i am also praying that the lord would not let even the birth of our little one overshadow the birth of the One, the savior king, in our hearts this season. in fact, i really can't think of a better way to begin our journey as parents, than for us to be totally consumed by the joy and glory and mystery of the birth of jesus. this little baby who will be our's will make us parents. it will fill our home with laughter and fun and lots more love. but the baby in the manger makes us holy. redeems us. saves us. the baby in the manger is life-giving.
this baby we're going to meet in a few days won't be the first baby to change our lives.
this morning as i sat in church, i was suddenly overwhelmed by a thought: this isn't the only baby we are celebrating this christmas season. and this baby certainly isn't the most anxiously awaited baby to ever be born.
come, thou long expected jesus
born to set thy people free
from our fears and sins release us
let us find our rest in thee
israel's strength and consolation
hope of all the earth thou art
dear desire of every nation
joy of every longing heart
i know i've said it many times, but this adoption has taught me so much about my relationship with christ. as much as we have longed for this baby, it is nothing compared to the collective groan and depth of longing the whole of creation cried out with as it waited for the glorious revelation of jesus christ. creation waited once for christ, and he came as a baby in a manger. creation is waiting once again for him, and when he returns - and friend, he will return for us - he will come as a mighty victor.
adoption is an incredible picture of the gospel any time of year, but kenny and i are especially excited that our adoption is happening at christmas. because jesus came, and he himself was adopted by his earthly father, joseph, we are able to be adopted by god our heavenly father.
we could not be more excited to meet our baby. but i am also praying that the lord would not let even the birth of our little one overshadow the birth of the One, the savior king, in our hearts this season. in fact, i really can't think of a better way to begin our journey as parents, than for us to be totally consumed by the joy and glory and mystery of the birth of jesus. this little baby who will be our's will make us parents. it will fill our home with laughter and fun and lots more love. but the baby in the manger makes us holy. redeems us. saves us. the baby in the manger is life-giving.
this baby we're going to meet in a few days won't be the first baby to change our lives.
Sunday, August 9, 2015
august update
oh, friends. if you could only fathom the joy that fills my heart right now! for any of you who have not yet heard (or read), kenny and i were chosen by a sweet birth mother on july 24th. we are expecting a sweet little baby on december 21st! i am so overwhelmed with just sheer awe for the work that the lord has done to connect all of the dots in this story. there are so many details that i would love to share, but there are some things that i just want to keep close to my heart.
so many times throughout this journey, even recently, i've been met with people who have questioned our choice to adopt. i have often felt slighted by people who are less than excited about our choice and our baby, and i can only guess that it's because the baby will not share our dna. those questions hurt me much more deeply than just about anything else in my life ever has. and really, i just have one question - particularly for people who question adoption and who call themselves believers (i should note, these are mostly people who ask me at the grocery store if i have kids, or at wal-mart, or random places and i end up talking about adoption): where would you be if not for adoption? you see, god designed adoption. adoption was his plan all along. if you are in christ, if you are a child of god, it is only through the blood of jesus christ that you are counted righteous and are able to be adopted as a child of god. when he chose you (#closetcalvinist) - you didn't look like him. you didn't share his make up. you were born in sin, and your heart was evil. you were his enemy. BUT. oh, that tiny word but that is so necessary to the follower of jesus. BUT while you were still a sinner - still his enemy - christ died for you so that you could be adopted into the kingdom. the forever family of god. if jesus never let me conceive a child on my own, i would still be thankful, because he counted me and kenny worthy enough to live out his adoption plan in our own lives. praise god for adoption, for love that knows no bounds - no dna, no chromosomes, no skin color, no biological predispostions, no genetic make up. praise god for adoption, for love that knows no depth that it isn't willing to reach - no sin too great, no heart too dark, no person too far gone. so when you think about our story, don't think about us. don't think about the miracle jesus worked in our lives - and he did work miracles, yall. think about the adoption you have experienced - or maybe desperately need to experience - in your own life. think about lines and boundaries and political correctness that grace stepped over when he found you. i got a message from a friend yesterday that said that my writing - my honesty and candor through this journey - has touched her life. this has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with our savior. our lives - our joy, our suffering, our stories - are so much bigger than us. we are so insignificant, and he is everything.
to say that we are overjoyed would be an understatement. we are absolutely over the moon excited to welcome this sweet baby into our lives. in south carolina, a birth mother cannot sign tpr (termination of parental rights) papers until 24 hours after the delivery. as confident as we are that this is our baby - and yall, god has shown us many times over the past two weeks that this is our baby - there is still fear of coming home with an empty car seat. i've been studying hebrews over the past week. in hebrews 3 and 4, the author writes about the sabbath rest. he's writing to (surprise!) hebrews - jewish believers who have lived their lives as slaves to the law. he explains that their unbelief will keep them from the rest that christ offers. of course, we could look deeper and assume that unbelief will prevent eternal rest. but that's not where i'm going today. rest. not sleep. not a nap. not waking up refreshed. rest. soul rest. peace. joy. hope. restoration. that's the rest jesus offers us. he has reminded me every single day that my own unbelief will keep me from his rest. it will keep me from his peace, his joy, his hope. in moments when fear grips my heart and i have exchanged the truth of god for the lies of satan (romans), when my eyes fill with tears over the fear of the "what ifs?," when satan tells me this is too good to be true, when i hear all the reasons why god can't possibly be this good to me - jesus gently reminds me that he is in my midst. he is in this situation. he has gone before and made a way. he has ordained and ordered and worked out every moment of the next four months. he is good, and he is for me.
as you continue to pray over the next four months, we would be so thankful if you would remember these things:
- our sweet little one (health, growth, safe delivery, and that it's little heart would already begin softening to hear the gospel one day)
- our birth parents - they are incredible people; pray for their hearts and that they would see jesus in us
- our hearts - that we would rest in the grace of jesus and trust that he is in this
so many times throughout this journey, even recently, i've been met with people who have questioned our choice to adopt. i have often felt slighted by people who are less than excited about our choice and our baby, and i can only guess that it's because the baby will not share our dna. those questions hurt me much more deeply than just about anything else in my life ever has. and really, i just have one question - particularly for people who question adoption and who call themselves believers (i should note, these are mostly people who ask me at the grocery store if i have kids, or at wal-mart, or random places and i end up talking about adoption): where would you be if not for adoption? you see, god designed adoption. adoption was his plan all along. if you are in christ, if you are a child of god, it is only through the blood of jesus christ that you are counted righteous and are able to be adopted as a child of god. when he chose you (#closetcalvinist) - you didn't look like him. you didn't share his make up. you were born in sin, and your heart was evil. you were his enemy. BUT. oh, that tiny word but that is so necessary to the follower of jesus. BUT while you were still a sinner - still his enemy - christ died for you so that you could be adopted into the kingdom. the forever family of god. if jesus never let me conceive a child on my own, i would still be thankful, because he counted me and kenny worthy enough to live out his adoption plan in our own lives. praise god for adoption, for love that knows no bounds - no dna, no chromosomes, no skin color, no biological predispostions, no genetic make up. praise god for adoption, for love that knows no depth that it isn't willing to reach - no sin too great, no heart too dark, no person too far gone. so when you think about our story, don't think about us. don't think about the miracle jesus worked in our lives - and he did work miracles, yall. think about the adoption you have experienced - or maybe desperately need to experience - in your own life. think about lines and boundaries and political correctness that grace stepped over when he found you. i got a message from a friend yesterday that said that my writing - my honesty and candor through this journey - has touched her life. this has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with our savior. our lives - our joy, our suffering, our stories - are so much bigger than us. we are so insignificant, and he is everything.
to say that we are overjoyed would be an understatement. we are absolutely over the moon excited to welcome this sweet baby into our lives. in south carolina, a birth mother cannot sign tpr (termination of parental rights) papers until 24 hours after the delivery. as confident as we are that this is our baby - and yall, god has shown us many times over the past two weeks that this is our baby - there is still fear of coming home with an empty car seat. i've been studying hebrews over the past week. in hebrews 3 and 4, the author writes about the sabbath rest. he's writing to (surprise!) hebrews - jewish believers who have lived their lives as slaves to the law. he explains that their unbelief will keep them from the rest that christ offers. of course, we could look deeper and assume that unbelief will prevent eternal rest. but that's not where i'm going today. rest. not sleep. not a nap. not waking up refreshed. rest. soul rest. peace. joy. hope. restoration. that's the rest jesus offers us. he has reminded me every single day that my own unbelief will keep me from his rest. it will keep me from his peace, his joy, his hope. in moments when fear grips my heart and i have exchanged the truth of god for the lies of satan (romans), when my eyes fill with tears over the fear of the "what ifs?," when satan tells me this is too good to be true, when i hear all the reasons why god can't possibly be this good to me - jesus gently reminds me that he is in my midst. he is in this situation. he has gone before and made a way. he has ordained and ordered and worked out every moment of the next four months. he is good, and he is for me.
as you continue to pray over the next four months, we would be so thankful if you would remember these things:
- our sweet little one (health, growth, safe delivery, and that it's little heart would already begin softening to hear the gospel one day)
- our birth parents - they are incredible people; pray for their hearts and that they would see jesus in us
- our hearts - that we would rest in the grace of jesus and trust that he is in this
Saturday, July 18, 2015
a lot can happen in a week
we have had what i would call an eventful week. hard. heart-wrenching. anxiety-filled. disappointing. those are some other words i would use to describe the past seven days. since my last post, one short week ago, we have two - yes, TWO - failed adoption situations. i don't even understand how this is possible. five months go by with nothing - no calls. and then BAM! two awesome opportunities that didn't work out.
we were contacted by a birth mother early in the week. things went well, and we were invited to her ultrasound appointment on thursday to find out the gender of the baby. the baby is due at christmas. we were thrilled. the situation was absolutely perfect. she changed her mind.
this morning we got a call that a baby had been born, and we had been chosen to be its parents. unfortunately, it was a situation we were uncomfortable with, and we had to say no.
i have no words. we were both so unprepared for these kinds of things to happen to us. we knew they were possible, but just didn't believe they would happen. well, here we are. and they've happened. and the struggle is real. maybe you would pray for us? this road is hard and unpredictable and can feel isolating. if we don't talk about what's going on, then it's easy to just withdraw and suffer through it. and jesus has called us to community bigger or more beautiful than that.
we were contacted by a birth mother early in the week. things went well, and we were invited to her ultrasound appointment on thursday to find out the gender of the baby. the baby is due at christmas. we were thrilled. the situation was absolutely perfect. she changed her mind.
this morning we got a call that a baby had been born, and we had been chosen to be its parents. unfortunately, it was a situation we were uncomfortable with, and we had to say no.
i have no words. we were both so unprepared for these kinds of things to happen to us. we knew they were possible, but just didn't believe they would happen. well, here we are. and they've happened. and the struggle is real. maybe you would pray for us? this road is hard and unpredictable and can feel isolating. if we don't talk about what's going on, then it's easy to just withdraw and suffer through it. and jesus has called us to community bigger or more beautiful than that.
Sunday, July 12, 2015
july update
oh, hey, guess what? i'm still not a mama.
every day gets harder. i don't know if i can really do justice to the combination of aching, longing, frustration, and many other feelings that fill my heart all day every day. i wake up thinking of our baby, and i go to sleep thinking of our baby. she is in every thought in every moment of my day. it's a curious thing to love someone so deeply whom you have never met.
i've had a really hard time lately. trying to be hopeful. trying to be patient. trying to be faithful. trying to trust god. i don't know that our faith as believers is ever so tested as it is when god says wait. for a while i really did well. i busied myself with the nursery. i was teaching. i started grad school. now it's summer. and i'm home. and i see the nursery all day every day. i've closed the door, and i'm afraid that is somewhat symbolic for the status of my heart.
i watched a video yesterday about a couple who struggled for years with infertility and eventually adopted. their wait was long and hard. the wife said something that resonated with me - something i have been thinking for a while, but that i haven't wanted to say out loud. speaking about her desire for a child and her still empty arms, she said, "it just seems so mean of god."
it just seems so mean.
yes. yes, it does. it seems mean and unkind and pointless. god could give me a baby right now - today - if he would. but he doesn't. and it hurts. it hurts my heart in ways i never knew it could hurt. the grief of infertility mingled with the agony and yet hope of adoption is a near constant turmoil that i walk.
choosing to have me remain childless while granting babies to everyone else in the world just seems cruel. it makes me question his love for me. it makes me wonder what i'm being punished for. i know he is good. i know his love for me is immeasurable. i know i am favored by him through the blood of christ. i know these things. but i don't feel them right now. it makes it hard to crack open my bible. it makes it hard for me to speak to him. it makes it hard for me to listen to my favorite worship songs. i am sure there of those of you who can hardly believe that i would admit that, but it's true, and i believe there are more of you who can relate than those who cannot.
i'm tired of people giving me alternative methods for how i could get pregnant. i'm tired of people telling me that we'll adopt and then i'll get pregnant. i'm tired of people asking if we have heard anything, and not because i'm annoyed that you care - i hate having to give you the same answer, because i know that you care for us. i'm tired of saying, "we'll have a baby by then," because the reality is, we do not and we may not. i'm tired of watching the days tick by with no calls, no emails, no babies.
but then there is the other thing the wife in the video i watched yesterday said. "what i saw as him not loving me, was in fact him being the most loving he could have been." here in this journey, however difficult and long it may be, he is writing the story. he is writing the story of our family, and he started writing it even before kenny and i met. he is writing the story that we could never imagine for ourselves. he is at work for our good and for his glory. we don't want just any story; we want the one god has written for us. we want his best for us, even if it means waiting. and as elisabeth elliot wrote, "god's stories never end in ashes." when all that i have left of my hopes and dreams are their burned remains upon the altar of my heart, he is not finished. he promises beauty from ashes.
in all of this, there is still peace, somehow. there is the joy of the lord and there is the promise of strengthened faith, developed character, and good things to come. we cannot claim to know the outcome of our journey to be parents. we may become parents next week, next month, or next year. god may answer our prayer, "yes." but even if he does not, he is still good.
every day gets harder. i don't know if i can really do justice to the combination of aching, longing, frustration, and many other feelings that fill my heart all day every day. i wake up thinking of our baby, and i go to sleep thinking of our baby. she is in every thought in every moment of my day. it's a curious thing to love someone so deeply whom you have never met.
i've had a really hard time lately. trying to be hopeful. trying to be patient. trying to be faithful. trying to trust god. i don't know that our faith as believers is ever so tested as it is when god says wait. for a while i really did well. i busied myself with the nursery. i was teaching. i started grad school. now it's summer. and i'm home. and i see the nursery all day every day. i've closed the door, and i'm afraid that is somewhat symbolic for the status of my heart.
i watched a video yesterday about a couple who struggled for years with infertility and eventually adopted. their wait was long and hard. the wife said something that resonated with me - something i have been thinking for a while, but that i haven't wanted to say out loud. speaking about her desire for a child and her still empty arms, she said, "it just seems so mean of god."
it just seems so mean.
yes. yes, it does. it seems mean and unkind and pointless. god could give me a baby right now - today - if he would. but he doesn't. and it hurts. it hurts my heart in ways i never knew it could hurt. the grief of infertility mingled with the agony and yet hope of adoption is a near constant turmoil that i walk.
choosing to have me remain childless while granting babies to everyone else in the world just seems cruel. it makes me question his love for me. it makes me wonder what i'm being punished for. i know he is good. i know his love for me is immeasurable. i know i am favored by him through the blood of christ. i know these things. but i don't feel them right now. it makes it hard to crack open my bible. it makes it hard for me to speak to him. it makes it hard for me to listen to my favorite worship songs. i am sure there of those of you who can hardly believe that i would admit that, but it's true, and i believe there are more of you who can relate than those who cannot.
i'm tired of people giving me alternative methods for how i could get pregnant. i'm tired of people telling me that we'll adopt and then i'll get pregnant. i'm tired of people asking if we have heard anything, and not because i'm annoyed that you care - i hate having to give you the same answer, because i know that you care for us. i'm tired of saying, "we'll have a baby by then," because the reality is, we do not and we may not. i'm tired of watching the days tick by with no calls, no emails, no babies.
but then there is the other thing the wife in the video i watched yesterday said. "what i saw as him not loving me, was in fact him being the most loving he could have been." here in this journey, however difficult and long it may be, he is writing the story. he is writing the story of our family, and he started writing it even before kenny and i met. he is writing the story that we could never imagine for ourselves. he is at work for our good and for his glory. we don't want just any story; we want the one god has written for us. we want his best for us, even if it means waiting. and as elisabeth elliot wrote, "god's stories never end in ashes." when all that i have left of my hopes and dreams are their burned remains upon the altar of my heart, he is not finished. he promises beauty from ashes.
in all of this, there is still peace, somehow. there is the joy of the lord and there is the promise of strengthened faith, developed character, and good things to come. we cannot claim to know the outcome of our journey to be parents. we may become parents next week, next month, or next year. god may answer our prayer, "yes." but even if he does not, he is still good.
but even if he does not.
daniel 3:18
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